The Great Escape!

I'm back from the land of "Truly Asia"! The best 5 days anyone could ever have! Not that we did the most fantastic things (we only went to Cameron Highlands and KL), cuz it's the company that really made the difference :D Honestly, whenever we're together, we could be doing the most boring thing on earth, and still be entertained. The past 5 days will surely keep me motivated and afloat for the rest of the semester, through whatever shit I might be going through.

1. Each of us had a role during the trip. Simin was the 队长/Programmes Head/Slave Driver, Jamie was the Welfare Head, Pei was the 2nd Welfare Head/Food IC, Nina was Navigator/Miscellaneous, and I was the 副队长/Logistics/Sai Kang Warrior/Slave.

2. Long bus rides. I think we spent like 21 hours in buses. Firstly, we had to take a 11-hour coach ride to Cameron Highlands on Fri night. Walao, the coach had to drop off some other passengers at Genting Highlands first. So we climbed up the mountain on the bus with the rest of them, before realizing we were going up the wrong highlands. Then near the top of Genting, we switched to a van which brought us down Genting, and brought us up Cameron. So basically, we climbed 2 mountains in one night. Nice. It was also 5 hours from Cameron to KL on the third day, and another 5 hours from KL to Singapore on the last day. Plus I was mostly sitting at the back, so I absorbed most of the impact from the bumps on the roads ahha. So basically I was bouncing up and down on my seat, and getting a bruise from bumping my head against the headrest repeatedly. Oh well, at least the bus(es) didn't break down.

3. Going up Cameron is a nightmare. The place is just a long, winding maze of ascending roads. So it's like this endless rollercoaster of twists and turns. The roads are kinda narrow at some parts too, so you really need skill to navigate them. And sometimes, when cars meet along a narrow turn, it turns into a "who can fit the most cars into the tightest space" thing which can be quite scary. I bet if I were the one driving, we would've have gone off the mountain at the first turn haha. So yeah, I really respect the drivers there.

4. Cameron Highlands is all about strawberries, oranges, honey and tea. We joined this countryside tour conducted by our hotel where we went to farms and a tea plantation. It was quite boring, though the view was really great and the air was fresh and clean. I think we didn't really enjoy it also cuz we were quite seh from the bus ride the night before, so we KO-ed whenever we were in the van.

5. KL isn't really as cheap as it's made out to be. The malls are just bigger versions of those in Singapore, and the brands there are about the same price. So it made shopping pretty pointless haha. We watched a movie the first day we were there though, cuz tickets are cheaper :D 'Australia' (the movie) was quite good. Cheesy, but entertaining and quite touching haha. And I realize we have this habit of talking during movies and laughing at the most inappropriate times. Someone could be dying on screen and we will still be able to find something funny in that. This was probably why the man sitting next to Pei changed his seat before the movie even started haha. We must have terrified him.

6. Being in KL really makes you appreciate the public transport system we have in Singapore. We had to change train systems (and lines), so we had to buy tickets everytime we had to go onto another line, instead of just buying a full-day pass. But ok la, at least there was public transport.

7. I've never eaten so much in just a few days. Like seriously. I think my stomach expanded to twice its normal size after this trip hahah. The first night at Cameron, we went to eat steamboat, where they had free refills of vegetables. And we asked for like 3 refills, and an additional refill of beehoon. So our soup was basically swimming with vegetables and beehoon. In fact, the soup actually turned green haha. And I didn't know beehoon expanded in soup, cuz suddenly we had lots and lots to eat. Plus we refilled our soup like I think about 10 times? It's a surprise we didn't scare the waitresses ('Wah 5 个小妹可以吃这样多!!'). We ate so much we could barely walk, and I looked like I had a pregnant belly hoho. Ya and after that, we went for dessert, and later that night, we ate the strawberries and oranges (that I horribly mutilated while peeling) that we had bought. Shiok.

This was basically the pattern throughout the trip haha. Eat a big meal, then go for more. Otherwise known as 去到哪里, 吃到哪里 muahah.

8. This trip was also the first time where I actually went on a Viking ship ride. We were at Sunway Lagoon and I didn't know what possessed me to agree to go on it (I think it was peer pressure). I used to be really terrified of them cuz they look puke-inducing. After the ride, I think I became more terrified hahah. Just thinking about the ride gives me the chills. The thing goes 360 degrees man! And not only that, it HANGS in mid-air for a few seconds!! I think I saw my life flash pass my eyes when I was hanging horizontally to the ground, with my fate depending entirely on the harnesses holding me to my seat. And of course I was screaming my lungs out ("FreakfreakfreakfreakFREEEEEEAKKKKK!!!"). Beside me, Pei was going, "Freak!! This was worse than I thought!!", while Jamie was laughing and having a great time. Hail the queen of rollercoasters. She laughs in the face of danger.

9. Sunway Lagoon wasn't as entertaining as the advertisements make it out to be. We bought the pass for the Water Park (which we didn't manage to go to), the Adventure Park (where all the rollercoasters are), and the Scream Park (which was a complete waste of 20 minutes of my life). We tried almost all the rides though, which were quite fun, the most exciting moment being the one where Pei fell off her seat at the relatively mild "Grand Canyon River Rapids" (it's just a round boat going down a 'river') hahaha. I think the Scream Park was supposed to be scary, cuz it's like this haunted house thing, but we failed to be scared. Mostly cuz the ghosts were lame (they blew air at us, and we could see them before they came at us), and cuz us being us, we mostly laughed at them (especially Jamie).

10. I was 'raped' by my friends. Or rather, they taupok-ed me. Omg I had like 3 girls piled on top of me, while the other one was happily taking pictures. FUN. But the next day we taupok-ed our 队长 haha. It was crazy, and I shall be traumatised forever. But I still love them :D

Round 1 - at first there were 2..
...then the pile became 3. I think I was starting to have trouble breathing haha.
Round 2 - at least I looked happy hahah
Round 3 - Simin's turn. You can't really see her though hahaha.

11. Our accommodation was ok. Though we found black stuff on our sheets at our hotel at Cameron. Our hotel at KL was the best la. I think there was this prostitution ring going on at our level, especially next door. Simin said she heard loud sounds of the wrong type of business coming from next door early in the morning. And there were several women in scantily clad clothing coming in and out of the room throughout the night. Gross shit. But oh well, what to do, we were on a budget and that's what you get for staying at cheap places haha.

12. I now have a few more names to add to my repertoire of pig-related nicknames, them being "babi girl" (a variation of Barbie), and "ba kwa". Sigh, the abuse I go through in the name of friendship haha.

In short, our trip was GREAT :D I think I'm gonna suffer from withdrawal symptoms once the semester starts. Without our endless crapping, name-calling, random bursts of songs (and nonsensical substituting of lyrics), inside jokes, spontaneity, auntie-ness, and the general willingness to be stupid wherever we are, life is gonna be super boring. I think to us, age is only a number hahha. Examples to illustrate my point:

Titanic at the Petronas Towers.

Spider pig!

We look like a pair of robbers. Actually we just put our jackets on back-to-front, and covered our faces with the hoods ahaha. That's what you do to entertain yourself on a 5-hour bus ride.

PS. I only have a few photos here cuz it's a pain to upload on blogger. And on a sidenote: the perdan Janice is back! One more person to bully, yay :D

Yeah, I know we long for something fine

When we pine for higher ceilings

And bourgeois happy feelings

blessed :)

At the risk of jinxing myself, I hereby declare that I'm very happy :)) In fact, the happiest that I've been in a veryyy long time. No I did not just get a bf, nor did I win the lottery. It's just that recent events in my life have made me realize how blessed and fortunate I am.

I very narrowly got myself killed in an accident just now. 100% raw excitement man. My heart is still racing now. It's only by the grace of God (and other drivers) that I'm still alive here. OMG I swear I'm never gonna drive like that again. Like Hazel said, "Your mum probably still lets you drive cuz she doesn't sit in your car very often." Which is true, cuz if she ever saw what happened tonight, she'd ban me from driving forever. So yes, thank God I'm still here.

My results were ok, in that I guess it reflected the amount of effort I put in, though I wished my CAP could've improved by more haha. But still. And thank God I didn't fail my E-Commerce wahaha. But I'm still gonna S/U it.

My friends are the biggest, and most important, reason for my joy :D I'm very thankful God put this wonderful bunch of people in my life. People who understand me, whom I can happily crap around (and be 'auntie') with, and who can reduce me into tears of laughter. For example, during our WWF-finally-get-to-go-to-Teo-Heng session today, we were happily doing the actions to all those cheesy boyband songs and laughing at all those videos featuring random angmoh women who have absolutely no relation to the song (especially for English songs). I love it that we become this extremely siao and crazy bunch of people whenever we get together. WWF stands for "Wild Women Foundation" by the way :D

Also, I love the Backstreet Boys, but seriously I think they're too drama and 'act emo' already, especially that Nick Carter. Go check out the video for "Drowning" if you don't believe me. And I can't believe I actually listened to S Club 7 when I was younger. Their lyrics are downright cheesy ("Loving you is not just luck or illusion/It's in the make-up of our DNA", like omg). And Aqua is unhealthy for kids, cuz their lyrics are really quite porno ("Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky", hahaha!). Luckily my parents never listened closely to my music when I was younger, if not confirm kena ban. In fact, I think I actually own an Aqua cd wahaha!

Anyway, Christmas is here! The season for giving (and receiving :D)! But we shouldn't forget the true meaning of this day, which is that God became man in order to die for our sins so that we might be saved. I never fail to marvel at this. You might think a god as mighty as our Lord would've just easily used His powers to save us, but instead He went the opposite way and reduced Himself to the status of a human, even putting Himself through the shame of dying on a cross to save His people, who still continue to sin against Him over and over again.

"And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son."
- 1 John 5:11

Indeed, I believe that if not for His continual blessings, I wouldn't be where I am today. So therefore, this season is the perfect time to reflect upon what He has given to us, and hopefully from there, our blessings will overflow and touch the lives of others :)

Hey, love, we'll get away with it
We'll run like we're awesome, totally genius

"No man, proclaimed Donne, is an Island, and he was wrong. If we were not islands, we would be lost, drowned in each other’s tragedies. We are insulated (a word that means, literally, remember, made into an island) from the tragedy of others, by our island nature, and by the repetitive shape and form of the stories. The shape does not change: there was a human being who was born, lived, and then, by some means or another, died. There. You may fill in the details from your own experience. As unoriginal as any other tale, as unique as any other life. Lives are snowflakes—forming patterns we have seen before, as like one another as peas in a pod (and have you ever looked at peas in a pod? I mean, really looked at them? There’s not a chance you’d mistake one for another, after a minute’s close inspection), but still unique."

"Fiction allows us to slide into these other heads, these other places, and look out through other eyes. And then in the tale we stop before we die, or we die vicariously and unharmed, and in the world beyond the tale we turn the page or close the book, and we resume our lives. A life that is, like any other, unlike any other."

"I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it."

"We do not always remember the things that do no credit to us. We justify them, cover them in bright lies or with the thick dust of forgetfulness."

- Neil Gaiman, "American Gods"

church camp

So I'm back from church camp! It was great. I had a lot of fun, and learnt quite a bit too. It was different from other camps too, maybe cuz we were all older haha.

In the past camps, we used to hang out till 1 or 2am before going to bed, but this time, everyone (or at least I did) went to bed around 12 midnight cuz we had to get up early every morning. Well, except for the last night when we stayed up till 4am.

Speaking of age, I think the aunties and uncles had more fun than us. It was really funny to see a bunch of 50-something year-old ladies letting their hair down, and playing 'Blow Wind Blow', albeit with lots of screaming and slower reactions. And they really knew how to enjoy life lor. Like my aunt skipped the telematch to go for a massage and foot reflexology. Shiok hor. And the youths only knew how to sleep haha. Ok well, a few of us drove out to explore the surrounding area (our camp was in JB). It was really exciting cuz we had no idea where we were going, and only started panicking when we got on the main highway and saw signs like "To Singapore/JB", and "To Kuala Lumpur". I think we made like 5 or 6 U-turns in our bid to find our way back haha. Adventurous right.

The camp speaker was really good too. Basically the theme for camp was "Freed to Serve" from the Book of Galatians. I learnt that it's important not to accept perversions of the gospel, for example those preaching a "vending machine" God, where what you get from God depends on the amount you put in, which is really not how God works. The gospel is about God's grace, and nothing we do can change or add anything to it, and that's something really wonderful. I also learnt that because Christ died for us on the cross, He became the curse so that we can be blessed. Therefore we are freed from the Law, because we can never gain righteousness from our deeds alone because we would ultimately fail. So because of His death, we can attain righteousness by faith, and this makes us all members of the same family in Christ, which means that we are not to judge others just cuz they're different. Freedom from the Law doesn't mean we can go around sinning and be ok, because indulging in the sinful nature is just being bonded to sin, and it's not true freedom. True freedom is the freedom to realise what God intends us to be, and that is to love one another. By living in the Spirit, it transforms us and brings about the Fruit of the Spirit. From there, we should share the gifts of God. Therefore we are "Freed to Serve". I'm writing all this down not to bore anyone, but so that I can remember it better myself haha.

So yeah, camp was meaningful :)

Yesterday was also the WWF-failed-KTV-session cuz there weren't any available rooms at Teo Heng haha. But we managed to turn it into another WWF-watches-another-funnyfunny-movie session. Ok la, "The Orphanage" (it's a Spanish horror movie) was quite good. And I can truly say that my friends are the only people who will actually bother to hide behind a shower curtain to scare me haha. If not for the fact that I could see their shapes behind the curtain, I think I would have been scared to death. So great job guys hahha. I'm really looking forward to our Great Escape next week!! Hopefully we'd be able to meet Janice in KL too :))

I can't explain a thing
I want everything
To change and stay the same

growing old

Taken from Jamie's blog:

"Age has caught up with us when...

1. We feel sleepy just 3 hours after waking up.

2. We desperately need coffee to keep us on our feet.

3. When we people-watch at orchard road, we find that 90% of the crowd is made up of teenagers and 5% is made up of the occasional office worker or 20- or 30- something. We feel old.

4. We have conversations like this:

A: (referring to a group of school girls debating in loud voices about which pair of sport shoes to buy) Were we like that last time?
J: (without hesitation) NO.
J: (5 seconds later) We were worse.

5. "Eat, sleep, daydream, watch dramas" seems ideal.

6. We start to lament about the past and dread joining the rat race. We talk about working life and job prospects.

7. We're sick of shopping and bored of everything."

I've got some additions of my own too:

8. We prefer to go home for dinner cuz eating out is expensive. Or simply cuz we're just tired (refer to (1) and (2), above).

9. Cheap is always good. Always. No matter what they say.

Hahaha, sad hor. I hate having the digit "2" in front of my age. It means I have to start working and contributing to the household soon. It also means I should start thinking seriously about what I really want in life, and not just some overarching goal like "being happy".

Anyway I'm off to church camp tomorrow! I really hope it'll give me a chance to sit back and re-examine my life, and from there I'll have a clearer view of everything that has been happening. And of course, to re-connect with God. I realize the reason why I haven't been able to hear God's prompting recently is cuz I haven't been spending enough time praying. I've been too caught up in life's trivialities that I guess I've sort of drifted away from Him. And I'm hoping church camp will be a good time for me to get away from life, and grow closer to God.

Cause if I am the joke
Then you're the punchline

used to this

A random thought: I wish I could go back to the US. You know, one day I just might migrate there haha. Just for the sake of experiencing different stuff, like a different weather, different people, a different way of life. It's ironic, cuz instead of being contented that I've seen so much in just 6 months during exchange, I've become greedy for more. There's something to be said about wandering around a foreign city all by yourself, not caring much about getting lost cuz there's too much to see to worry about directions. Yeah, that's what I felt like in New York haha. It was exhilirating.

Singapore is boring. And I'm restless, and itching for something more. There has to be more than this.

But I don't have the means to keep flying everywhere. No point being envious of others. But I think I'm probably gonna fly off to somewhere different every chance I've got, after I start working haha.

Another thought. I realize I like to build my hopes on people, only to end up getting disappointed. Is it because my expectations were too high, or is it because people just disappoint in general? I mean ok, I do disappoint others as well, and unknowingly sometimes. Argh I've never been able to figure this out.

So I guess what I can do is to just move past it, and learn. It's a pity that things have to turn out this way, but I can't let this go, so I can't see any other way. But it's ok, I'll get used to this.

It's the nature of the experiment
It's the patterns of my temperament

I am TIRED.

So tired of all this.

I can't even remember how it all came to this.

What do I, what do I, what do I need
To do to get myself in a better mood

make it easy

I think I need some distractions in my life.

And you know, I think I had an inkling that something like this will come my way, from all the hints and signals that have been coming recently, and that I've chosen to ignore. But having an inkling wasn't enough I guess. I suppose I'm in a state of shock right now. The things I think I know, are never what they seem to be. And the people that I thought I knew, I realize I never knew at all. I just keep getting disappointed at every turn.

I'm probably making too big of a deal out of this, but this is who I am. So don't trivialize my feelings, and think I'll be ok with just a snap of your fingers. I will be fine, but not now.

Last time, I was able to turn this into a driving force in my work, as a means to distract myself, but now I can't seem to be able to find anything good out of this.

So what should I do? Keep hoping that I'll be better tomorrow? That time will pass quickly, and I'll be ok again?

I don't know. But what I do know, is that I do not want a repeat of what I went through. It was far too much, and I will not go back there again. Lord, I really need you right now.

Make it easy

Make this easy

It's not as happy as it seems

too free and too bored.

My exams have officially ended!! Erm well, they were ok. Intense, but at least they were over quickly haha.

And now I'm terribly bored. Sigh.

It's ironic how I always managed to find something to occupy myself with when I was supposed to be studying, but now I don't really have anything to do. By the way, time passes really quickly when you're slacking instead of studying haha. I can't believe it's only 1 day since my semester officially ended.

Actually I have stuff to do also. Like cut my hair, pluck my eyebrows, and especially the pressing need to clear my crap out of my room. I can't decided whether to keep my notes, or throw them away. I still have stuff from Year 1, by the way hahh.

I've been catching up on all my long-lost shows also, like House and Grey's Anatomy hoho. I should find new things to watch. Oh yeah, I watched like an episode of that Peranakan show on Ch 8 also, and woah it's super scary la! All that backstabbing and manipulation. Can you imagine living in a house like that?? I'd rather get married off and lead a safer life haha. But my grandma told me that's what life was like in the past :S Traumatising.

By the way, I really like Peranakan food :D Especially the kuehs haha. Too bad they all have complicated names that I can't remember. Oh yeah I remember that time when we were in Malacca for the weekend. Shiok lor. My dad stopped the car like every few hours so we could go down to eat haha. I think I ate like 4-5 times in a day, for 3 days.

On a small note, for some reason it doesn't feel like Christmas this year.

There are things that drift away
Like our endless, numbered days

la-di-da

This is bad. I keep getting distracted, as evident by the recent increase in my blogging frequency haha.

Psych sucks. Why can't they keep all the chapters equally long? The later chapters are like twice the length of the chapters in front! That's like 50 pages per chapter. ARgh. I like to keep track of the length of chapters, so I'd know how much I have to study, and motivate myself accordingly.

I concentrate better at home. Except that I can't study at home cuz of the FREAKING CONSTRUCTION next door! So I go to Starbucks and get fat on coffee. Or I go to KFC and get fat on cheese fries and Coke. Either way, I get fat.

Further proof that studying/school is bad for you:

You go from being all serious and focussed...
... to a bunch of siao zha bors in blazers.

That's my Services Marketing group by the way haha.

I feel so random and 'la-di-da'.

Here's what I've planned for December (so far):

1. Prepare to move into another room. So I have to clean out all my crap, plan the layout for my new room, get a new wardrobe, etc. Tons of stuff to do.

2. Church camp!

3. Meet up with all the people in my life, especially those who are coming back from overseas :D Like Janice and Joseph, whom I haven't seen for more than a year now.

4. WWF Great Escape! Woohoo!

5. Shop. I'm waiting for all the sales to descend upon Singapore haha.

6. In short, take a break to rearrange my thoughts, and forget about all the shit that happened this year. And start anew next year.

You were right about the end

It didn't make a difference

Everything I can remember

I remember wrong

I've finally cleared all my projects/presentations/reports!! No more staying in school till sunset! No more going back on Saturdays! No more rehearsals at 8am! YAY.

But sigh, I still have exams to study for. Even though technically 2 of them are for S/U-able modules, I still can't exactly slack. I need to at least get a decent grade for E-commerce (which, in my opinion, is one big waste of time), cuz my mid-term result was totally mediocre, and I need to be sure I can at least pass before I can S/U. And I really hope to do well for Psych, and APB (which is a core module). Except that I don't know how to study for APB cuz 1) I don't go for lectures, 2) there isn't a textbook (or rather, the lecturer doesn't teach from there, so I didn't buy one), 3) I don't learn anything from lectures or tutorials, which explains why I don't go for them. It goes the same for E-commerce and Psych, except that I have textbooks, and I attend more Psych lectures than E-commerce and APB combined. Haha I'm screwed!

And then, of all times to build a new house, they have to do it NOW. RIGHT BEHIND MY HOUSE. The piling work is so freaking noisy I can't even hear myself think. Even the ground vibrates man. How to study like that! Argh I think I'll just go out to mug. Staying at home is too distracting also haha. There's the computer, and TV, and bed. Haha ok, happy mugging everyone.

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore

Avenue Q

Woots. I just caught 'Avenue Q' this afternoon! 

And I must say, it was great! A bit explicit and R-rated (there's a reason for the age limit) at times, but other than that, it was really hilarious and relevant I think. It's like Sesame Street for adults haha. Basically it's about this group of adults (some portrayed as puppets), living on this street called Avenue Q in New York, and about the problems they face. Like unemployment, love, and finding their purpose in life, among other things. They also covered 'touchy' issues like racism, homosexuality and porn haha. 

You know this musical isn't meant for kids, just from the song titles alone. For example, "If You Were Gay", "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist", "The Internet is for Porn", and "I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today". Hilarious. And other explicit stuff I don't really wanna say here haha. I guess Singapore only allowed this musical to play here cuz most of the sensitive stuff are portrayed by puppets (albeit with humans behind them). But then again, most of these issues are things that most adults can relate to, which makes the show more meaningful.

The songs were also really great and catchy, and the cast was extremely talented. In conclusion, I really enjoyed the show :) So go catch it while you can.

But it was quite sad that we had to go home immediately after the show, cuz Pauline had to study :( I think I was out for such a short while that no one in my family actually knew that I had gone out, till I came home (and which also goes to show how insignificant I am in my family) haha. Oh well. Just a 'lil bit more!!

Except for death and paying taxes

Everything in life is only for now! 

just keep driving

Today I came to the sudden realization that I really love driving. There's something to be said about having the freedom to go anywhere you want, at your own pace, minus the inconvenience of having to squeeze with others on a bus/train, and minus the time spent waiting for the bus/train. Plus you get to avoid being held up by stupid, inconsiderate people who like to quarrel with the bus driver over small stupid things, that result in the driver refusing to drive, when all you wanna do is go home cuz you're so tired from being in school from sunrise to sunset. 

I especially feel all 'grown-up' and independent when I get to drive around to run errands haha. For example, this morning, I drove down to Lavender to collect my new IC (which cost me $100 #$&&^# and because my mum refused to foot the bill). After that, I went to the drive-thru at McDonald's and got myself a coffee, before driving all the way down to school. Speaking of which, I save 45mins if I drive instead of taking a bus. After my project meeting (OE IS FINALLY DONE YAY), I drove to Parkway to collect tickets, and to shop around a bit. Not bad ah. I managed to do so much today! And wow I feel so accomplished that I didn't get into any accidents at all! 

The only thing I don't like about driving, is the parking. I can't park for nuts. But today, I managed to park properly 3 times :D And I don't really like to have passengers. Not because I'm selfish. But cuz I don't really know my way around, and cuz it gives me more pressure cuz I don't wanna kill anyone while they're sitting in my car haha.

Haha oh well, what a pointless entry. 

On a sidenote, 就差那么一点点了, 再多一点点！

I look towards December with much anticipation :)

I'll be your best kept secret

And your biggest mistake

Why school is bad for you.

1. My complexion is super gross now.

2. The same goes for my weight.

3. I have no social life to speak of.

4. I see my project mates more than I see my friends.

5. I live my life on a day-to-day basis, based on whichever deadlines come my way.

6. A public holiday makes me very happy, even if the holiday wasn't meant for me to celebrate.

7. I resorted to watching 'High School Musical' to de-stress. Or rather, watching Zac Efron :D Shameless, I know. Haha but who cares.

Sigh..

Ok back to work. 1 more month Ade! 1 MORE MONTH!!!

JIAYOU!!

Counting on the night for a beautiful day

I shake it your way, I shake it your way

persevere

Ah ok. Well. I'm sorry for making everyone worry over me. I'm fine now, I think. Maybe not yet. But I'm getting there, I promise.

Had a bit of retail therapy during the past few days. Bought some nonsense here and there. Like this album by Ryan Adams (not to be confused with Bryan, but Ryan is so much better). 

Actually I've already downloaded the album a few months ago. But I decided to do something legal for once haha. And I don't mind paying money for good music :D

I haven't shopped for myself for a very very long time. It's very irritating cuz I've been shopping for other people, and now I'm broke and badly need people to return me my money haha. So yup, it's nice to finally buy something for myself, as impulsive a buy it may be (I don't care what I buy, as long as I buy something). Sigh, my sad sad life.

There's nothing much to say about school, except that it still sucks. I think that's the only thing that never changes in my life - the fact that school sucks. Long days that drain your life's blood. Projects that never seem to end. 

I'm really looking forward to the end of the semester! The wwf Great Escape beckons!! I just hope that it'll go through for real this time. I seriously need to get away from Singapore, and people.  As sad and desperate as it may sound haha.

Just 1 month left! PERSEVERE. 

So if I'm being honest with you and it seems like I'm being cruel 

At least you didn't get a rip off, a rip off

take it with a smile

I wonder where the Adelyne I knew a few years ago went to? That "cheerful, happy-go-lucky, and crappy person" (in her friends' words) everyone knew.

Someone please bring her back. 

She's become someone I don't recognize anymore.

Or is she not the real me? 

(You know something is wrong when you start referring to yourself in the third person.) 

I am fairly agile

I can bend and not break

Or I can break and take it with a smile

And I am so resilient

I recover quickly

I'll convince you soon that I am fine

It's not me to blog everyday. But I need to put my thoughts somewhere, if not I'd explode. These past few days (and probably the days to come) have been trying. My emotions have been swinging from end to end. I guess it's all my own doing. It has got me thinking too. 

Like how do you judge who your true friends are? I've always believed in not investing too much of my emotions into one person, and not showing them too much of myself. Especially if I don't really know them that well. Cuz in the end, when disappointment comes, it'll only hurt that much more. The people you care about the most are usually the ones who are most capable of hurting you. And the thing is, I'm the kind who feels too much of everything. It's like once you give too much of yourself, they have control over you. Like giving them ammo against you. But this time, I guess I've forgotten about all this, and it's come back to bite me. 

So right now, I'm trying to detach myself from all this. God help me. I will get through this. Some people just aren't worth that much.  

Like what Jamie said, "Then you just don't give too much of yourself, and don't expect too much in return? Since you already know the outcome, try to avoid it lor. Cuz else the outcome is that you'll be sad and hurt ma."

She made me realize that the friends I really need to treasure are those who have been there for the longest time, and who know me inside out. They can put what I'm feeling into words, and tell me things I don't even know about myself. And trust me, these friends are really important to me :) Just that, I've been so pre-occupied with my own problems that I fail to see that they're there. And yeah sometimes, I don't wanna burden them with my seemingly insignificant issues. 

I think I just need to be more smart about who to trust wholeheartedly. Like not put all my eggs in one basket too soon. I need more patience to wait and see what people are really like, cuz most of the time, what you see isn't what you get. It's funny how I get more naive and stupid as I get older, instead of learning from my past failures and becoming smarter about everything. I keep thinking things will be different this time, that maybe I was wrong last time, but in the end, it always ends up the same way. Call me cynical, but I really have to remember that.

I guess that's just what life is. You live, and you learn. It may hurt really bad now, but after a while, I'll look back as a much better and stronger person.

how many times

In a way, I need a change 
From this burnout scene 
Another time, another town 
Another everything 
But it's always back to you 

Stumble out, in the night 
From the pouring rain 
Made the block, sat and thought 
There's more I need 
It's always back to you 

But I'm good without ya 
Yeah, I'm good without you 
Yeah, yeah, yeah 

How many times can I break till I shatter? 
Over the line can't define what I'm after 
I always turn the car around 
Give me a break let me make my own pattern 
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered 
I always turn the car around 

I had no idea that the night 
Would take so damn long 
Took it out, on the street 
While the rain still falls 
Push me back to you 

But I'm good without ya 
Yeah, I'm good without you 
Yeah, yeah, yeah 

How many times can I break till I shatter? 
Over the line can't define what I'm after 
I always turn the car around 
Give me a break let me make my own pattern 
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered 
I always turn the car around 

Give it up, give it up, baby 
Give it up, give it up, now 
Now 

How many times can I break till I shatter? 
Over the line can't define what I'm after 
I always turn the car around 
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking 
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting 
Always turn the car around 

How many times can I break till I shatter? 
Over the line can't define what I'm after 
I always turn the car around 

Don't wanna turn that car around 
I gotta turn this thing around 

four, three, two, one

Sometimes the harder you push, the harder you get pushed away. 

Sometimes you think you know, but in actual fact, you don't have the slightest idea.

Sometimes you try so hard, but it's all so futile.

Sometimes when you tell yourself it's time to give up, you can't help but cling on in vain hope that something will change.

But in the end, you realize that nothing has changed. 

So then, what do you do?

Four, three, two, one, 
I'm letting you go 
I will let go 

If you will let go 

[ineedYou.]

THIS ISN'T ME.

WHAT'S GOING ON??

STOP THINKING SO MUCH.

ARGH. STUDY, I NEED TO STUDYYYYY.

I never should've gone tonight. It was a big mistake. Now I've gone back to square one.

But this charade is never going to last
So pick the poison and pour yourself a glass

If this was the thing to do.

Just a brief update:

1. NUS's definition of "recess week" is different from the rest of the world's. There's hardly any difference from a typical school week. I still go to school, I still have tons (if not more) of work to do, and I still don't have enough time to go out and have a life. Well ok, at least I don't have to wake up at 7am on Mon.

2. F1 is stupid. Cuz of the closure of all the important roads, I took 2 hours to go to school today! Gee, I never imagined that it was possible to stay in the same vehicle for more than 1 hour when travelling in Singapore. But yeah, there was a super mega jam at Suntec, and the bus was crawling at 1m/min I think. Walking was probably faster. As a result, I was 1 and a half hours late for my project meeting.

3. I am definitely NOT looking forward to school re-opening. It's like the gates of hell opening. When the evil spirits called "presentation", "assignment" (not 1, but 2), and "midterm test" (they come in pairs) come out to play. All in the same week. Joy, oh joy.

4. I am officially addicted to coffee. Ok well, I've always been addicted, just that I've been in a state of denial. But now, I admit my life is being ruled by caffeine. I get a headache if I don't get my daily fix. But the last time I attempted a venti coffee, I almost went into shock ie. uncontrollable trembling, and a heart rate that was threatening to shoot out of the ceiling. It's a love/hate relationship I have with coffee. Can't live without it, can't live with it.

5. In a sense, I'm glad for all these mundane things that are keeping me occupied, cuz it takes my mind away from other matters.

There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do

My problem is, I feel too much. I let humans affect me much more than they should. Despite all my past experiences.

But this is who I am, and I can't help it.

I don't know what to feel now.

Should I be happy or sad? I'm caught in the middle.

And I don't know what to do. I guess I just don't know when to let go.

But I know I need to resolve this, and figure it out, before it consumes me. There are other more important things in life that I need to get on with, but I need to be rid of this first.

Tell me all the places we could go.
And count the headlights passing on the road,
A long, long time ago.

the nicest thing

Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something



(no, I'm not pining for anyone)

skip school, start fights

This is exactly what I feel like doing now.

I feel so restless and purpose-less. Ok well, I have school stuff to do. But I'm just so tired of work.

And all my friends are like slowly trickling out of the country, a few at a time. It's super depressing. 2010 is gonna be a sad year. I think I'm probably gonna be the only youth left in church :(

I need to escape too, ie. jump off a cliff. Or go for a long drive, except that I might die along the way haha. I hereby conclude that I'm a bad (and reckless) driver. Either that, or I'm just incredibly lucky after getting into a few narrow scrapes.

Anyway, I wanna run away from school. Yeah, skip school, start fights!

Sigh. I need to go back to my readings.

And I am nothing of a builder
But here I dreamt I was an architect

all mine

Today I did this survey to fulfill my 'Intro to Psychology' Research Participation requirements (I still need 4 hours more argh). And in the survey, I was asked about my goals and 'personal projects' currently. And I can't really think of any.

Is it considered a failure if you don't have any particular goals in life? I guess for me, I don't really have any long-term goals; I prefer to live my life according to what needs to be done in the next few months (or semester). It makes my life less complicated. And also, I tend to lose sight of any long-term goals I set, because something will inadvertedly happen and change the entire course of my life. And maybe cuz I'm just too lazy to think about the future. Whatever happens, happens. I'll deal with it as it comes. But that's just what I think.

I don't build my life around people either, because people disappoint. If you let them raise your hopes up, the fall will only be much harder. It's happened to me too many times.

So if I don't live for any goals, or people, what then do I live for? I guess I just hope to live to see another day. Everyday is different, and you never know what to expect. If something good comes along, then that's great, if not, then find a way to get through whatever shit is thrown at you. I find joy in the little things in life. Sometimes a minor thing (like talking to a friend) can lift my mood for the entire day. And of course, a minor problem can ruin everything also.

That's what my life is made up of, little things that make or break me. But I tend not to think too much about them. I don't like to make my life more complicated than it already is. I want to move on. Life is unfair. That's just the way it is. I can't change it, so I accept it and change the things I can.

As for my purpose in life, I guess I haven't really found one substantial one yet. I guess it's all in the Lord's plan, which is still hidden to me, or rather it's not my time to know it yet. So in the meantime, I'll just try everything that comes my way and be open to experiences, in the hope that I'll find something life-changing in that. And yeah, find joy in the little things.

And it's my bad, my broken
All my should have's left unspoken
Mine all, mine all mine

even after so long

After hearing from Kaishi about how homesick she feels in HK, I can't help but think about my own experience in the US, not too long ago. Gosh, I can't believe it was only 7 months ago? It feels like I've been gone for a few years haha.

So yeah, I remember feeling lost and so alone, and how every phone call from my parents/friends brought me to the brink of tears. I remember desperately channel-surfing in my hotel room at 4am in the morning, just to find a show that will help lull me to sleep because I only felt more homesick and miserable every moment that I was awake. And of course, all those prayers and time spent poring over my Bible, looking for verses that will bring comfort. I remember something in my devotional about find treasures in the darkness, and it brought great reassurance and comfort to me, especially this verse:

"I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." - Isaiah 45:3

In retrospect, I guess God put it there for me, to reassure me that He's with me, even in the deepest and darkest throes of my loneliness. And for that, I'll forever be thankful.

Thank goodness over the next few days I was caught up in the bustle of moving into my dorm and preparing for school, and didn't really have much time/energy to be homesick. Plus I got to hang out with the other Singaporeans, so at least there was company.

From then on, things only got better. I can't even begin to count how blessed I was during my trip. The Lord blessed me with company, at first in the form of Kirsten, this Singaporean-Texan who showed us around for the first week. Then there was Lauren, who graciously brought us everywhere with her, even making us feel like part of her family. I'll always remember hanging out at her house, watching 'Friends' and cooking up nonsense for lunch, and all those road trips down to Houston/Dallas/Burnet haha. And of course, that wonderful birthday surprise she planned for me.

There was my roommate also, who at first I thought was quite aloof, but in the end turned out to be one of the nicest people I know. I remember those crazy conversations we had till late at night, how we tried to get back at our noisy suitemates, her random bursts of dancing, that Gig 'Em banner/aircon shield we made (I brought it back with me :)), how we made fun of those people on TV and watched 'Law and Order:SVU' till 3am. And of course, her exasperated (and futile) attempts to get me to dress up better haha. They say that your roommate is either your best friend, or your worst enemy. Thank God she was the former, unlike the other Singaporeans' roommates haha. Oh and the French and Spanish also, although they tend to party abit too crazily for my liking haha. All these people remind me that despite our different backgrounds, we're still similar people underneath and can still click together. Oh man, I miss everyone so much! I guess in the end, it's the people you meet, rather than what you see, who have the deepest impact in your life.

I was also blessed in that I managed to score the best grades of my life in the US, in spite of the constant slacking and ponning of classes haha. Too bad they don't count sigh. And of course, I didn't get caught in any mishaps or terrible accidents, especially since we were flying/driving around so much. We missed getting a speeding ticket twice during Spring Break man! But then, there were the darn flight delays that seemed to plague me wherever I went.

I guess I wouldn't have been able to pull myself out of those negative/depressing thoughts if not for my friends in Singapore also. Especially Shuqi (who emailed me constantly, and who made the effort to find me 21 items for my birthday haah), Pauline (my fellow US exchange student, and the only other person sharing the same timezone), WWF (for that hilarious birthday video), and Boran (who helped me buy textbooks).

Oh man, this is making me even sadder. I can't believe I'm still thinking about the US, even after so long. But I guess I don't ever wanna forget my time there. So bear with this entry, especially if it seems like a repeat of other entries haha.

Well, they can take, take, take the kids from the summer
But they'll never, never, never take the summer from me

one more vacation

In the midst of my huge pile of readings (and that's only for 2 modules), I can't help but feel that my life is spent meaninglessly. I feel that I should be doing something else besides going to school, studying, and sleeping. But like what? Join case competitions or school clubs? Then again, I don't know if I can afford the time. I'm still working part-time for the PR firm I interned for, but although the work so far is still manageable, it can get unpredictable and might burn up my weekends (and whatever leisure time I can afford).

I guess it's mostly peer pressure that's forcing me to think about all this. And of course, the undeniable need to build up my resume. Many companies are also starting to come in for recruitment talks, and I can't help but think about my future after graduation. I seriously don't know what I wanna work as. I'm just trying to delay my graduation, but before that, I need to be able to meet the criteria for Honours. Which brings me back to the desperate need to study hard, and pull up my pathetic CAP.

It doesn't help that I have so many projects, reports and presentations this sem. And those readings. Gahh. As mentioned in my previous post, my Mondays (and now Tuesdays) are horrendously long and packed. I'm almost burned out before I even reach Wednesday. Then I spend the rest of the week recovering (and preparing for the next week). Shit man.

I feel so miserable right now :( Lord, please give me strength to make it through this semester. And the wisdom and discipline to use my time wisely.

Don't call the doctors
I don't need no medication
I just need one more vacation
And make it last

butterflies in the stomach

For some reason, I'm kinda dreading school this semester. You know, the butterflies in the stomach feeling. Not that I've always loved school, but I guess after being away for 7 months, I'm just really afraid of going back to see that everything has changed and not being able to cope with it all. Also, this sem I'm gonna be taking different modules from most of my friends. Even though, technically it's like being back in Texas, where I'm the only Singaporean (and Asian) in my class. It's just different.

The worse thing is, my Mondays are like absolutely crazy. 9am to 8pm?! Albeit with two 2-hour breaks in between. Which sucks, cuz I won't know what to do with myself during those breaks. Walk around, study, hang around? Sigh. It's times like these that I wish I stayed in hall haha. I think sooner or later, I'm gonna skip my 6pm class hahaha. And I have 9am classes on Mon and Tues. And I have to take a bus, so that means I have to wake up at 7am. Gawd. I think I can count the number of times I've woken up before 8am in the past few months, with one hand.

Anyway, the past week has been crazy. I've had 3 occasions where I've had to stand for hours while being squashed in a crowd of people. The first one being Singfest, the second one at Zouk, and the third at Rag on Fri. Mambo Night at Zouk was nuts. There were sooo many people! But it was fun, other than almost being jostled to death, getting into a back-to-back shoving match with a guy who kept pushing his way into my personal space, and being winked at by an ang moh (creepy but amusing). It was entertaining to see people doing the Para Para-like Mambo 'moves'. If it were anywhere else, it'll look downright ridiculous haha. But clubbing should definitely be kept to a once-in-a-while kind of thing. It's bad for your heart, ears, eyesight, and health in general.

Rag Day was tiring too. Went back to help on Thurs, and it was discouraging to see the seniors hard at work mache-ing, while a huge group of juniors were using eye power. Somehow, they made our effort last year seem like it was in vain. I've heard many disappointing things about the juniors also. Well, at least they won! Haha and didn't put Bizad to shame as we had previously expected.

Ok, let's hope this sem will go smoothly. It's time to work hard again, after a 7 months long honeymoon. I need to pull up my CAP (it's what I always say each sem right ahha)!

And I know I said some things that hurt
It took 97 missed calls to finally get over you

I HATE WORK.

All I do is sit around on my ass, doing things that I seldom see the point of. It's a waste of time, really. I feel like I'm just doing sai kang for the boss, instead of really learning anything.

I'm ready to quit and slack before school starts. Speaking of which, I'm not at all ready for schooL! After my exchange, I don't think I'll ever get used to mugging and slogging my guts out haha. I feel so lala.

And I still have to write a 3-5 pg report on my exchange. Very (*&#$(*# lor. How am I supposed to put fun into words?!

Ragging later also. I'm afraid that I won't have much to do there. Then it'll just be another waste of time. But I'd feel bad if I don't at least go down to help out abit.

Oh and Singfest on Sunday was a blast! But I'm still in the midst of blogging about it haha.

Bidding season is on again. At least I don't have to bid for my Business modules, or anguish over getting just 1 module out of 5. But I still don't know what Breadth/GEM I should take. They either look very zzz and nonsensical ('Microchip Revolution - From Sand to IC' wtf?), or they don't fit into my timetable. I'm hoping to get a 4 day week, or a 3 day one if I'm lucky haha.

I don't want to wait
For our lives to be over
Will it be yes or will it be
Sorry

Singfest 08!

WOOTS. I'm back from SINGFEST!! Which ended like 1 hour ago, yeah like totally overshot the scheduled time haha. Other than the fact that I can't feel my legs, my hearing is still muffled, and my whole body is aching, I had tons of fuN!! It was worth the $180 (after Visa discount somemore) I paid haha.

Yes I know, $180 right. Here were some responses I got:

My friends: "You know how many things I can buy with $180?!"
My auntie: "$180?! I won't even pay $160 to watch Pavarotti!!"
Mum: "Huh! Pay so much go there still must stand ah??"

But it was worth it! Cuz I saw JASON MRAZ, ONEREPUBLIC, and ALICIA KEYS. But oh man, it was freakin' crowded. Which probably explains why the tickets for today were sold out. I think there were about 10,000 people man. There was even a super loong, snaking queue just to go in! But we managed to cut queue (muahaha) and got in easy. Oh btw, I went with Pauline and her bro who's 3 years younger.

Wah Fort Canning Park was already packed when we arrived man. And it was only 4pm? I think there were more people than grass. Some people brought like their own picnic mats, complete with sandwiches, beer and wine haha. But we were empty-handed, so we had to make do with the free Starhub plastic sheets/bags. At first we were sitting like way behind cuz the acts weren't that interesting and mosh-worthy. Like Stacie Orrico and Jamie Scott? I only know like 3 songs between the both of them haha. After OneRepublic's performance (which was stellar), we decided to risk our safety and bash our way to the stage. I think I trampled on alot of feet/bags/mats/people, on the way there haha. But oh well.

See, more people than grass right. Otherwise, Fort Canning Park is a nice place for a picnic haha.

OneRepublic, from far far away.
So Panic at the Disco was up next, and we were like about 50 meters from the stage. Aww man, their first song was ruined cuz the mike went deaf and no one could hear what the lead was singing. And no one in the band knew about it despite the audience going, "We can't hear you!" But after that it was great although I only knew a few lines to their songs. Then we attempted to move further up nearer the stage so as to better experience JASON MRAZ.

Panic at the Disco, up close.
Everyone was there for Mraz haha.

I can tell you being in the mosh pit definitely brings you closer to your death haha. You're like surrounded by a million sweaty bodies, which equates to whiffs of bad body odour if you're unlucky enough to stand under someone's armpits. And you can't breathe properly cuz you're being squeezed from every corner. And you go deaf when someone near you starts shrieking/screaming. It doesn't help when there are inconsiderate people who take their own sweet time to squeeze their way past you, leaving you shoved between them and a wall of bodies while they take a moment to shout for their friend Yvonne. OMG I wanted to strangle that girl.

Sorry ah, quite blur. Anyway, Jason Mraz was awesome!! There was alot of interaction with the audience, and he's really good at making up lyrics out of nowhere haha. No wonder he's Mr. A-Z. The crowd was really enthu also, I think almost everyone was singing (and screaming) along with him. Best choral performance haha. Actually I think most people were only there for Mraz's performance.

After Mraz, it was the Levi's Fashion Show and Rick Astley ("Never gonna give you up, never gonna make you cry..."), which we weren't interested in, so we went to PS for dinner. The food sold at Singfest was freaking expensive man. $6 hotdogs?! It's like blatant daylight robbery. Anyway when we came back, the Pussycat Dolls were performing. And woah, they're good (albeit slutty haha), prancing around the stage in stripper clothes haha. I always wonder how people can sing and dance at the same time haha.

The final act was Alicia Keys. She's like the headliner for Sunday's concert, which wasn't a surprise, cuz she was world-class. Her singing was great, maybe even better than on the radio hah. But I thought it was better suited for a more intimate concert hall setting, rather than a big ass outdoor music festival. And she talked way too much! Like in the middle of her songs, so much that I kinda forgot what she was singing in the first place haha. But other than that, she was quite exciting to watch, jumping from the keyboard to the piano, and even dancing for a bit haha. Her backup singers and band were really good too. But for some reason, some of the audience left during her performance (probably to avoid the stampede after), and I felt bad for her haha. In conclusion, Singfest was good! I kinda regret not going for the first day though, cuz I really wanted to see Travis. But oh well, at least I saved some $$ haha. The second day was still worth it, though. I took many videos but they're too big so just gotta make do with pictures haha.

Just take it easy
And celebrate the malleable reality
Nothing is ever as it seems
This life is but a dream

young adults' retreat

I'm damn lazy to blog. There's nothing much going on in my life also haha. Oh well there was the young adults' retreat we had over the weekend. That was great. I learnt alot.

It was held at the Changi Village chalet, and the theme was 'Tell a Story', and true to that, we had speakers come to share their personal trials and stories. And trust me, when I say 'trial', it really is a trial. When you hear what they've gone through/are going through, you realise your own suffering pales in comparison. It really puts things in perspective. There was this lady who is married with kids but has cancer, and the guy who married his girlfriend even though she had kidney failure and all. In a way, I think they were really brave to come forward and talk to this bunch of strangers. But I'm really thankful for that, cuz I really learnt alot.

For example, the lady never once asked God 'Why me?'. Instead she said, "I know God chose me out of so many people cuz He knows I have the strength to take it." And it's true. We couldn't tell she had cancer till she said so. She's still quite cheerful and determined to live and watch her kids grow up. And most importantly, she trusts God to the point that she doesn't question Him, but leaves her life in His hands. He's in control after all, and He has reasons we cannot fathom. All we can do is to trust in His purposes.

The other guy also. Out of all the girls he can choose, he chose to marry the girl who's very sick, and whom he has to take care of for the rest of his life. This is called faithfulness at it's very best. In a sense, I guess he and his wife were made for each other. She's sick, so God sent her a man who's willing to take care of her. And for her, I think it takes alot to trust a man to be there for you always.

So yeah, it was an encouraging weekend. I also had lots of fun catching up with all the church people haha. And making new friends too.

On another note, I have 3 more weeks of work to go! ARGH. And most of my friends have already stopped working. It's quite sad lor, cuz it used to be that I couldn't find anyone to go out with cuz everyone was working, but now everyone's free except me haha. Work's getting boring also. I hate calling people! Though it's fun to meet journalists and stuff haha.



That's Ryan Adams (not to be confused with Bryan). I'm in love with him haha. Though he's quite an eccentric musician.

Dancin' out on 7th street
Dancin' through the underground
Dancin' little marionette
Are you happy now?

I hate it when people think they're better than me, and think they have a right to tell me what I should/should not do.

Who are you to judge me anyway?

And it's not like I'm gonna make the world a better place if I change. If I irk you so much, then just go away. Just don't tell me off like you have a right to do so.

It's times like these that make me wish I could go back to the US. No one expects too much from me, and I'm not pressured to do anything I don't want to. Back here, it seems like I'm being let down at every corner I turn. People disappoint me.

And I've come to the point where I don't really care anymore. I'm indifferent. Go do whatever you want, tell me whatever you want; I'll live with it.

Argh, I'm pissed.

If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?

i should be working

Ok I really should be working right now, but aiya, I'm super bored and sian. That's the bad thing about working at home. You get so comfortable, it puts you in the wrong frame of mind. Plus there's no one to supervise you haha. And I've been calling the same pple so many times, yet none of them answered the phone. It's damn irritating.

Anyway after reading Kaishi's blog entry about rag, I was inspired to look at all the pictures and videos we've (Boran) taken since FOC 2006, ie. China, Rag, etc. (Ya I know I should have been working.) Oh man, they brought back so many fond memories haha. And yes, I still can't believe we actually took all those retarded videos. But it's ok, I like being retarded :D And it's good to know I have retarded friends to be retarded with. I like the word 'retarded' hahaha. Ok I shall stop rambling (and being retarded).

My point is, I've been really blessed to have so many friends that I can actually click with, and are on the same wavelength, whether it is on our beliefs, values, or just the fact that we are amused by the same things. I'm not afraid to be myself around them, even if it means playing a fool. And this goes to all my friends, like Boran, WWF, PPG, and those in church.

Anyway, looking at all the Boran pictures really makes me of think of how far we've come since we first met 2 years ago at FOC. I'm glad we managed to be good friends so quickly haha. I wonder if we actually knew we were gonna be so close at the time of the videos. And even though Rag was quite traumatising and threatened to distant ourselves from each other, I'm thankful that we grew closer after everything, and I found new people to sit in lectures with :) That means you, Juli and Kaishi haha. And of course, Boss la (I realize I stopped calling her that after exchange haha). You're not just a driver to me, you know :D haha kidding. You're much much more than that :) I actually really missed all of you when I was away.

Ok well now that Kaishi is going away for exchange, and Juli's gonna graduate next year, I hope we'd still be able stick close to each other. Like when we meet up 10 years later (hopefully when we're all rich and successful muahaha), we're still able to be all retarded and spastic and be amused by the stupidest and dumbest things haha.

Wah what a mushy entry. So unlike me. Sigh, ok gotta go back to calling people. Hopefully they'd be free to entertain me now.

When you’re gone, all the colors fade
When you’re gone, no New Year’s Day parade

It's THAT time of year again. The Choosing of Modules.

Should I do 3 project-intensive modules and kill myself, for the sake of completing my REs? Or slack, and do more UEs? I'm getting confused just looking at my graduation requirements.

And I need to pull my CAP up, seriously. I wanna do Honours. So that I can delay working for another year. Haha, just kidding.

Sigh. I dunno I dunno I dunno!

I hope the module preference thingy doesn't mess up my timetable. It sounds like a nightmare, from what I've heard. I don't wanna go to school everyday haha.

Calm down, I'm calling you to say
I'm capsized, erring on the edge of safe

no better and no worse

For some reason, I feel damn depressed if I don't have anything to do/anyone to meet up with after work. It's like I don't really have much to look forward to after work :( Sigh. I really don't want my life after graduation to be like that!! Damn those Monday blues.

But then again, I'm kinda lazy to go somewhere haah. And I save money by staying home. Oh well.

Once again, I stress on the need to GET A NEW LAPTOP. (*&%(@*^%( thing!!! WHY ON EARTH DOES IT KEEP HANGING AND DYING ON ME?!?! Oh and that day I accidentally dropped it (ok it's my fault too) and now the CD slot thing is hanging out hahah. It's pathetic really. I think I should back up my stuff on my external hard drive, then leave my laptop somewhere and wait for someone to steal it so I can get a new one haha!! Ok, that's mean. I still love my laptop. In any case, someone please donate a new laptop to me thanks :D (Preferably a Mac :D:D)

But, I wanna complain about the Internet at home also. It's super s l o o o o o w.... Cannot la, like that. If I work from home how?? I won't be able to get anything done!! And going out is expensive! Plus that time Wireless@SG banned me from the network cuz apparently, I was using too much -.-

It's sad how nothing I own works properly :(

Haha ok, I think I'm done with complaining for now. Argh, I can't wait for Friday!!

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

round-a-bout

So after days of lamenting about leading a meaningless life, I've finally found a job! I'm currently working for a local PR firm as an intern. It's a new company, so no one's heard of it before haha. But so far I'm having fun (I'm only 2 days into the job). It's something totally different.

For one, there isn't any fixed office for me to go to. They have an address in Orchard, but that's only for collecting mail haha. The 2 bosses work from home, and from anywhere actually, since they're always running around Singapore meeting clients and stuff. Therefore, I work from home too haha. Which is really cool. For example, yesterday I was just following my boss and running around everywhere with her. From Buangkok to Katong, and to Toa Payoh, then to Kaki Bukit. And today, I didn't even get to see my boss. She just gave me some stuff to do and left me alone haha. But I still had to run around Singapore. Oh well at least I got to have lunch with my friends at Raffles Place haha.

Basically my job scope involves writing press releases, compiling lists of media contacts (this is quite a pain actually), and calling journalists and stuff. And of course, running around the whole of Singapore. The good thing is that it's different from what my other friends are doing at their internships. Everyday is different, and you don't do the same things all the time. I get to travel, and not stay behind a computer 9 hours a day. And I get to meet lots of people. I get to stay at home also! But it's not that great actually, cuz I need LOTS of discipline to make sure I get up on time (my official working hours are from 9am-6pm), since there's no where for me to go. It doesn't actually feel like I'm working haha. But yeah, it's also damn tiring to run around everywhere.

To me, I don't really think it's important to work for a reputable company doing the same things as other interns everywhere. Of course I want the prestige and all, but I'd rather learn, and expose myself more to different things. Sure, it's embarrassing to be going around doing weird and crazy things in the name of PR, but it's different and fun, if you look at it positively haha. I don't learn the hard skills, but I might be able to gain some soft skills. And at least then I'll know what I want/not want to do in the future after graduation. You only get to be a PR intern once, after all haha. I can sit behind a desk for the next 40 years of my life.

Anyway. After 2 days, I realise I need:
1. A better laptop. This one is stupid. It keeps hanging and it's freaking slow. I can't do too many things on it at one time, which sucks, cuz a big part of the job is to do many, many things at one go.
2. My ipod at all times. I deal with loneliness by listening to music haha. Plus there's the travelling.
3. My phone. My boss expects me to be on standby for any assignments, from 9am - 6pm haha. Sigh no slacking.
4. A car. It's tiring to take the train and bus. And it's not very nice to cab around, when there're other cheaper forms of public transport, which just makes me more tired haha. At least I can still claim my transport fees from the company.

Ok I hope I'll be able to learn more quickly in the next few weeks, and be an asset, not liability, to the company haha.

Don't you be a round-a-bout
Not another round-a-bout
We've come this far
Yet back to the start
Don't you be a round-a-bout

the detail's in the fabric

What makes me sad:

1. Disappointments.
2. When someone doesn't understand me, and frustration turns into sadness.
3. When I feel inferior.
4. Guilt.
5. Loneliness.
6. When I miss someone (no one in particular, in case any of you are wondering). Especially when I miss someone, like when I left Texas in May :(
7. Boredom (speaking of which, I really need a job now. Still looking for one though. Argh!)

When I'm sad I:

1. Read.
2. Listen to music.
3. Crave for company.
4. Eat (trying not to, though)
5. Sleep.
6. Blog.
7. Drink beer. Haha just kidding.

If it's a broken part replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

life goes on

I crave the freedom I had in the US. The open-ness. I can be whoever I wanna be and no one will care or look at me any differently. I feel so constrained here. Probably because over here, the expectations people have of me are well set out and I have to meet them. In the US, I make my own expectations. I don't have to answer to anyone except myself. And of course, there's so much more to do over there. The Americans always manage to find something to amuse themselves with haha.

The past 5 months feel like a dream. And like waking up from a dream, I can barely remember most of what happened, just that it was great and I never want it to end. Sigh reality sucks. My time there has also got me thinking about some things. Like the purpose of life, and the pointlessness of having to live life according to what society thinks is the road to being successful. What is being successful anyway?

Then again, there's the matter of placing too much thought into everything. Not that one shouldn't think or ponder, but too much of it becomes stifling I think. Your worldview becomes a warped perception of the truth, when it's something that should be taken at face value in the first place.

Ah, I think I'm becoming too bored at home.

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around

left and leaving

So I'm finally back in Singapore! In spite of all the things I've said about not wanting to come back, I can't help but feel a sense of relief and happiness when the plane touched down. Even seeing the SIA air stewardesses on board made me feel slightly better cuz it means I'm one step closer to home. And I can honestly say that I was really glad to see my dad waiting for me at the gate in the airport.

It's nice to see that nothing much has changed. To see the same old trees lining the same old highway. Walking through the rooms in my house, and seeing the same old things (or crap) in the same places where I left them 5 months ago. And of course, it was really nice to see my dog again :) He still remembers me!

It was nice meeting up with Shuqi and Huajia today also. Talking to them felt like I never left at all. I'm really looking forward to meeting up with the others also, especially WWF haha. Except that Jamie is in the US, and Janice is still in London pfft.

The jet lag is still killing me, though it wasn't as bad as when I just reached the US. I'm trying my best to adjust back to a more normal sleeping habit. And that means not waking up at 7am haha.

The bad thing about coming back is that I have loads to unpack, and lots of shit to sift through. I also need to find a job. Argh. Plus I need to mentally prepare myself for life back in NUS. Time to mug properly. No more slacking and skipping classes haha. Sad day.

In conclusion, it's nice to be back. My time in the US was an adventure, and I've really learnt alot. I've learnt to rely on myself, and about the importance of the people around you. I've also learnt that everyone is different, yet despite our different backgrounds, we can still click really well together. And that one should always be open to other cultures and opinions, and be willing to move out of their comfort zone. That's almost the best way to learn anything, I guess. Most importantly, I thank the Lord for bringing me this far. For the opportunity to travel this far away from the familiar. For seeing me through every obstacle I ever faced there. And of course, for the wonderful experiences I've had.

But I still miss the US, and the people back there. The problem with a semester-long exchange is that, once you start adjusting and really have fun, it's time for you to leave :( Which sucks. I really miss my roommate, and Lauren, and the French. Chatting with them online doesn't help, especially when my roommate says things like, "what will i do without you. who will i dance with and who will tell me i'm stupid?" And the sadder thing is that, I know that my memories of them will fade with time, and when all of us get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. But I shall not think so much, and just go with the flow. One day at a time.

All this time lingers, undefined.
Someone choose who's left and who's leaving.

where i want to stay

So I'm in Las Vegas now. And it's not called "Sin City" for no reason. I'm amazed by what I see around me. Gambling, sex, and drinking. Everything's done in excess. Even the hotels and casinos are built to excessive extravagance. It's all so fake.

The casinos are always packed, and there are so many of them. And the streets are filled with people carrying yard-long margaritas or beers. The drunk are everywhere. And last night while walking back to our hotel, we even saw an exchange going on between a prostitute and this fat, drunk guy on the streets. It was sick. And the roads are strewn with flyers of naked women. In conclusion, this city is pretty disgusting. Human depravity at its worst.

So I'm quite happy to leave haha. Our trip has been good so far. I like our pace. No rushing around, and we take ALOT of breaks haha. Too many perhaps. The company is good also, though I don't really know the two guys very well. For pictures, go to facebook. I'm kinda lazy to upload them haha.

Anyway it's 10 more days till I come home. Really looking forward to it, yet dreading it cuz I'll really miss the US. The best 6 months of my life were spent here :)) Ok, till next time.

And my popcorn squeaks with the question, wonders why I'm not at home
Where you wait beside a silent telephone, doodle circles within circles all alone
Have to stop myself from climbing on the table full of empties to yell:
"Why, why can't I draw right up to what I want to say?"
"Why can't I ever stop where I want to stay?"

tired of all this

Earlier today:

I am now stuck alone, at New York JFK airport. My f-ing flight to Boston is cancelled, and I was rescheduled to the 9.15am one tomorrow. I was made to run from terminal to terminal, from counter to counter, because no one can help me. And I didn’t get any sleep last night. Perfect conditions for a breakdown, huh.

Oh well, at least someone from Delta airlines called me to help me out. So I can take a 7.05pm flight. But it still sucks. I’ve NEVER had a smooth flight here before. F-ing weather and air transportation system. I’m sick of all the delays, cancellations, and walking around the airport lugging a huge bag. I guess I’d feel better if I wasn’t alone. And it’s quite ironic that my flight to College Station in January was delayed too.

Right now I’m taking a break and waiting for the time when I can go to check in at my gate. And I’m charging my phone at some random shop haha. Cuz I’ve been calling all the airline hotlines, texting (and complaining) to friends, and now my phone is dead. And I really need it later. So I went in to this shop where they sold chargers and asked if I could charge my phone for a while for $3, instead of having to buy a charger haha. Damn cheapskate hor. But who cares, I’m tired and desperate.

8 hours later:

I'm finally in Boston with my mom and her friend. OH my flight got delayed -.- Yeah we basically stayed in the plane for 1 hour. But I got a First Class seat! HAha not that it matters, cuz the flight was only 40 mins. And gee, my mom is already nagging me to death. Sigh. And I don't know if I can go to the Canadian side of the Falls, cuz of visa issues. Argh. Actually I'd rather not go, cuz I'm really tired from travelling. I wanna stay put in one place for a while. So I'm hoping I can stay with Pauline aha.

Ok I'm going to bed before I collapse tomorrow.