Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over—
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
- Langston Hughes, "Harlem"
--
Sometimes I dream of being someone I'm not.
A DJ (the turntable kind)?
A writer?
A label manager?
They're all within reach, but yet, not really. Maybe cuz I've missed that window of opportunity, when I had the advantage of youth and time. Now I don't have much of either. Or maybe it all comes down to whether I'm willing to let go of everything I have now to devote myself fully to these things.
Maybe all I really want is to pursue my whims as I please. Without the burdens of a job and money to weigh me down. I mean, my job now is pretty great. I get to go home on time (most times, anyway) to chase my fancies after-hours.
But there are times when I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions. My tumblr started pretty much as a way to kill time, sort of like a pinboard for music I love. Till now, I'm trying to keep it as that. I try to only post stuff I really like, and not just whatever's hot at the moment. As much as I like having more followers, I don't actively publicise or tell others about it. It's just something to keep me going outside of work. But of course there are times when I wished I could just give it my full attention, and develop it further into a fully fleshed-out blog. Then I think about the whole plethora of other blogs out there which are so much better and my dream sort of fizzles out.
When I'm in the reality of my 9-to-5 (more like 8.30-to-6, cuz my government really needs to relook the definition of 'working hours'), there are times that I feel proud of and of course times where I felt I could've done much better. It's all good to have these career goals to work towards, but the problem is I don't really wanna continue to be a corporate slave. If not for my awesome colleagues who make work seem less 'work', I think I'd be really miserable right now. If working towards a "manager" post is all I should ever aspire to, my existence is unfortunately quite meaningless.
Anyway I guess what I'm trying to say, is that CRAP I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANNA DO. At this moment, it looks like I'm having trouble trying to commit to either one. It's either I don't think I have the time/talent, or I just don't want to. And like pretty much everything else I do, by the time I get to committing, I'd have already lost interest.
This is a problem that I can't really resolve right now, though I really should soon, otherwise it'd be too late to go for either option.
This has been a Sunday night existential ramble.
