"I did not expect it to be so easy to find happiness. I was twenty one years old when I met her. I still drank Bailey's Irish Cream and I still listened to Oasis. I feel funny even writing that down. Six years later, I don't do these things. I pour M red wine and we put on Ethiopiques. In the morning we kiss goodbye and in the evening we ride our bikes over overpasses, along canals. You cannot see the stars in the city but still we lie on our backs in the grass and we pretend we can, like when I was twenty one and she swept me off my feet. Six years. I did not expect it to be so easy to find happiness.

Last night she turned to me with colour in her cheeks and she said something that felt complicated and direct and unwavering, like she was taking my hand and putting it in a fire, and taking my eyes and making me see that our hands were in a fire. As she spoke, I listened without any confusion, because she is M. I watched each expression flicker across her face. Colour in her cheeks. In my heart I said, secretly, Okay, enough. Let's. Let's. All our lives, we shall lie in the grass and see certain stars that one-another has imagined."

- 'Until', Said the Gramophone 

These sentiments: at once incomprehensible and illogical, and yet to you they're as clear as day that you wonder, 'Why does no one else see what I see?' 

Do I wish to be overcome with these feelings, these giddy sensations? Heck yes. Someday, maybe.

But for now, it is enough to know that they exist and once existed. 

The irony of going on holiday when you're an employed person is that even though you have the spending power, you don't have the time. My Aussie holiday was 4 months of planning, but only took a fraction of that time - 7 days is too short! Ah Aussie, there's so much to love about you.

After the harrowing trauma Qantas put me through for a week before the trip, I finally managed to get my butt on the plane to Melbourne, bar the minor scare when they put me on Emirates at the last min. The flight back from Sydney was so much better though. I got to sit the A380! Bigger seats, smoother flight, decent food. Small note: every airline should give you a bottle of water at the beginning of the flight. That'll save you from the risk of dehydration and the pain of having to call the flight attendant frequently for a small cup of water. And kudos for the awesome hot choc/peppermint tea after the meal.

Melbourne is a charming city! I really love the awesome cafes (didn't get to try all the recommended ones though), and laidback and chill atmosphere going on there. Or maybe it's just the abundance of fabulous coffee - my first cup at St Kilda really cemented my love for Melbourne haha. Starbucks should seriously just close down. I'm gonna be savouring (and hoarding) those coffee grounds I bought back. And maybe get a decent machine too.

When I'm travelling, I'm most at my element when I can just wander around streets aimlessly and stop at interesting places at my own leisure. This is why I prefer cities to the countryside (more on that later), cuz somehow they allow you the pleasure of anonymity cuz you can just blend in with the other faces and pretend you're a local. Although of cuz that illusion fades once you whip out your camera and that clueless tourist expression comes out. So yeah on the first day, it was fun just wandering around St Kilda (although it was swarming with tourists), hanging out a friend's place watching TV and eating fish & chips. Even shopping was fun, like on Thurs when we discovered this really cool vintage camera shop (owned by the old Cantonese lady) and got some cool stationery. I sound like a loser but I guess I really just like the normal-ity of it and how regular it feels even though it's no diff from hanging out at home haha.

But anyway, I did go out of the city and we rented a car for the Great Ocean Road and Phillip Island. Driving was an experience, esp for someone like me who only drives once a week in Singapore. So imagine my horror when I realized I was gonna be the only driver cuz Lauren's license expired. But it all went swellingly well haha. The Great Ocean Road was windy but there were barriers in case I careened off into the ocean so it wasn't as dangerous as I'd thought haha. And this is the first time I drove for 3 hours at a stretch! Those "sleep and you die" signs helped too. Our little Toyota Yaris was also really easy to drive, but I guess anything's better than my magic school bus at home haha. Oh and I managed to parallel park on the first try! and mastered that uniquely Melbourne creature that is the hook turn (after I got honked at) :D

The Great Ocean Road had really superb views, and thankfully we had very good weather that day :) All blue blue sky, with the blue blue ocean. I would've liked to spend more time just sitting there admiring the scenery but regretfully we had to go. But at least we got to see the Twelve Apostles (only seven left). I think I'll move here after I retire, or after I marry a rich guy, whichever comes first haha.

Phillip Island was another treat, this time for its wildlife. We got to meet koala bears, kangaroos, wallabies and plenty of obnoxious peacocks and horny seagulls. And oh yeah, the famous Penguin Parade. Those little penguins are "aw shucks" cuteeee waddling up the beach. And they're soooo many of them - like 1516 or something the night we were there. Fun fact: female penguins select males by the burrows they've built (there's an open house too) and by how fat they are. We need to implement this system among humans. Boys should absolutely come with houses, cuz I can't afford them. So we saw the cute wildlife, and thankfully didn't meet any of the bazillion other dangerous creatures Australia is famous for haha.

And here's why I don't like the countryside as much as I enjoy the scenic landscape. I just don't enjoy living there. We stayed at this cabin on Phillip Island that came with plenty of spooks. Actually it's all our active imagination but I think the countryside quiet contributed a lot too. It's so quiet it's deafening. And it amplifies all those little noises that you hear all around you but have absolutely no idea where it's coming from. So basically we lay in our bed, scaring ourselves sleepless (or more like, Lauren poked me awake at every bump in the night). And we missed our surfing lesson the next morn! :( But yeah looking back, it's actually pretty hilarious. At least now we've established the fact that I'm strictly a city girl.

Yarra Valley was ok, a little meh though the tour at Domaine Chandon was quite educational. I think the drive there was more interesting. We were basically driving through the forest - like small windy road flanked by tall tall trees with bits of light peeking through, and no phone reception. It was fun, but after a while I was ready for concrete highway haha. Oops, there goes my city girl side again haha.

Speaking of phones, I dunno if it's a curse that I'm so reliant on being connected. I mean, it was great to be able to whatsapp, use Google Maps, upload FB photos and google anything on the go. But isn't a holiday meant for you to disconnect from everyone else? But yet, I don't wanna miss anything while I'm gone! I bet my parents had better, more relaxing holidays in their time. I blame it on the iPhone haha.

So, Sydney. Can I just say that free walking tours are the best idea ever to promote tourism?? You pay the guide in tips that you think he deserves and in return you get really educational insider knowledge of the city. (But yeah, we probably won't be able to sustain this in Singapore. We're too cheap, and it's hard to find someone who's willing to work for peanuts.) Anyway we looked at old buildings and heard interesting stories. Then dropped out to take the ferry to Manly, mainly to enjoy the view of the Opera House and Harbour Bridge, and get a tan at the same time. If I ever return to Sydney I'd really wanna visit Manly Beach. This time we only went to Bondi, initially with the intention to do the coastal walk to Coogee. But those plans went out the window the moment we saw the pristine beaches, blue blue surf, and the warm warm sun. And also peer pressure, from those hundreds of other pple just laying there. I felt overdressed in my tshirt so we went and bought bikinis and just splayed out on the beach until it got too cold haha. Best change of plans, ever. Though I didn't get the tan I wanted (my right side is darker from the time on the ferry) haha.

At night, we decided to act atas and dress up (sans makeup for me) to go up to this bar in Sydney Tower. Note to self: I really need to remember to bring a proper dress with makeup the next time I travel. I felt so inadequate in that classy place haha. But anyway, the drinks were expensiiiveee. And I didn't even finish it! Thanks to the 3 diff vodkas in it, I was already tipsy and super flushed a quarter into my drink. I'm such a lightweight haha. But oh well, it's nice to pretend to be rich and classy occasionally. You only live once right.

The last day, I wandered around Sydney alone (after Lauren left) and found myself at a flea market. It was awesome and I got to meet another Singaporean who was manning one of the stalls there. Speaking of striking conversations with strangers, I think I've never gotten the hang of that. I still don't really know what to say when pple ask me how I'm doing, and I'm always caught off-guard when strangers talk to me and end up coming off as socially retarded. It's a Singaporean thing; we just prefer not to acknowledge each other if we can help it :S But yeah I'm trying to work on that cuz it's always interesting to get to know others.

Oh also, can I just state that I never wanna stay in hostels again? They're cheap, yes, but I would very much prefer clean (and private) bathrooms, and some quiet at night. I think I'm getting too old for communal living and finding bras outside when I leave in the morn.

All in all, I'll really miss the charm and laidback-ness of Australia and its people (many many good-lookers over there, gosh those BLUE EYES haha). That said, I think this trip wasn't long enough and I'd definitely go back soon for more! For now, I'm thoroughly exhausted and totally NOT ready for work :( Though I can say that I do feel more refreshed emotionally and spiritually. And well, I still have a few more days of leave to clear so that's something to look forward to haha.

Emmy The Great - Paper Forest (In the Afterglow of Rapture)


You're not unlucky, you're just not very smart.
These things will never leave you - they're as close as you can get
To a blueprint for the future - but you can call it fate.
It's like these days I have to write down almost every thought I've held,
So scared I am becoming of forgetting how it felt,
And these fears they will unravel me one day,
But still I am afraid.

But I'm blessed - 
Just to be, more or less - 
Standing in the afterglow of rapture with the words the rapture left.
Oh blessed - 
Just to be, more or less - 
Standing in the afterglow of rapture with the words the rapture left.

Now you're blessed amongst all women,
Now a man who's very good,
He tells you how you feel until your life is understood,
And he leads you through it arm in arm as though
There was a map to guide the way.
Now you write because you love him, now you write because he's kind,
You write so much, you look up and you wrote yourself behind,
And you're standing in a labyrinth of paper and the map has been erased.

But you're blessed - 
Just to be, more or less - 
Standing in the afterglow of rapture with the words the rapture left.
Are you blessed?
Just to be, more or less?
Now you're standing in the afterglow of rapture, but there is no rapture left.

Oh come, and we will celebrate the things that make us real, 
The things that break us open, and the things that make us feel
Like these accidental meetings up and partings of the way
Are not so much our choice but in the blood of how we're made,
It's like the way I have to write down almost everything I see,
So that the record does obscure the thing the record used to be,
And I know I'm not unlucky,
I was just born this way.

But I'm blessed.

Now a paper forest grows up in the supermarket aisles,
The baby born with teeth looks at its mother and it smiles,
And we all fall down
Like wind blows through the paper forest.
And a paper forest grows up in the supermarket aisles,
The baby born with teeth looks at its mother and smiles,
And we all fall down
As wind blows through the paper forests
And a paper forest grows up in the supermarket aisle
Alarm clock fingers turn they're counting seconds like they're miles
And you say, "wake up now, 'cause I can see no paper forest."

(This new blogger interface is making me a little confused.)


Yesterday at cell group we were asked what was a motto/saying/verse that drives us, or determines how we live each day? For example, for someone it was "to be Number 1" (she's in sales). But for someone else, it was Psalm 143:8 - 


"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life."


I thought that verse was pretty good. 


Honestly, this question really caught me off-guard and I had a difficult time thinking of something. What I came up with was, "to try my best in everything I do" which is half-true. Anyway it was a lame response (I really need to sit down to find a Biblical verse that will probably work better), but it got me thinking about my attitude towards work and life.


There were a few in the group who talked about finding it hard to let go and not control every little detail in their plans. So their motto was basically to give it up to God. For me it's the exact opposite.


I love having little/NO control. I'm basically content to just bask in the background and let others settle the problems. I don't like responsibility, and having others look to me for answers and solutions. I'm the kinda person who prefers to go with the flow, and react to the situation rather than act and initiate something. I mean, I like some responsibility so I don't feel like I'm completely useless. And I like to manage projects to keep myself occupied (and again, to make myself look useful). But I don't like having to helicopter-manage, ie. to oversee everything and make important decisions for everyone. 


I think it's partly cuz I'm afraid of the consequences if I screw up, but it's probably cuz I'm such a lazy bum. I run in the face of difficulty and would rather distract myself with something unimportant instead of focusing on the problem at hand. I only get my act together when there's a fire literally burning under my backside. My academic life was mostly made up of last-minute papers and reports cobbled together through sleepless nights and lotsa coffee. But God really blessed me, in the sense that my last minute shit always turns out well. Maybe that's why I'm like this.


I'm so used to things eventually sorting themselves out, and maybe I totally misconstrued the idea of letting God take over control. I get so complacent that sometimes I literally just think to myself, "Oh, God will take care of this. I'll just sit back and let Him do His work." Only right now am I realizing how I've completely twisted this away from its rightful meaning.


For example, I'm not gonna lie but I'm facing some tough crap at work right now. Basically I'm managing failing products. Granted, they've been failing even before I joined. But now everyone's looking to me to resuscitate them. I mean, I really want to love my products but it's so hard when even I, myself sometimes don't see the point of having them. They're like the fake cardboard cut-out shrubbery/trees in a school production - you kinda need them but you won't notice them if they're gone. Or, to put it more bluntly, like trying to love the ugly and bratty kids in a kindergarten class. You know they deserve love too, but urgh it's so hard.


This can go both ways - either I work some magic and turn them into stars, or I completely suck at it and get fired (this might not be true, but I'm not taking any chances). I guess my main difficulty now is to get my ass up and get this project running without having my boss breathe down my neck, or worse, looking at me with disappointment. I think I'm more afraid of the latter. So the past week, I've been doing what I usually do - distract myself and dabble in other things instead of tackling this straight-on. It sucks. It's like inertia, I know I have to do it but I don't know how and I don't want to cuz I don't know how. Despite saying that I want to do my best in everything, it's getting to the doing part that's the hardest for me (which is why it's half-true). So I continued to drag until I can't anymore. What I should've been doing was to really go to God first, instead of letting myself get caught up in this vicious and unproductive cycle.


I think sometimes God just lets the situation get so bad that we have no choice but to go to Him on our knees. Cuz otherwise we'd just be wholly content to rely on our own wits, or even worse, take Him for granted and think that He will sort it out without our asking. Then we'd never realize that He is what we really need. Instead of choosing to wallow in a mix of panic/despair/blame (eg. why do I have to be saddled with the runts in the company??), then going about my own human (and really dumb) way of dealing with it ie. getting distracted with other things or complaining, I should've immediately turned to God for help.   


"I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:13  


How true. Only God can really give me the perseverance, discipline and wisdom to sort out all my crap. All I need do is ask, and obey. It's a simple solution, if only I didn't take so long to figure it out. So it is with renewed strength and motivation that I hope I can go about this mission of reviving my dying babies. From another perspective, this might actually a good opportunity for God to reveal His glory and for Him to do work His blessings in my life. All I have to do is to take hold of it and trust that His plans for me are good.


And firstly of course, to get off of my lazy bum.


ps. I'm really tired so I don't know if I'm making any sense. It's just really cathartic to get all my thoughts and troubles out, and to use this as a reminder in case I ever falter.

this living

There’s little in taking or giving,
There’s little in water or wine;
This living, this living, this living
Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
And rest’s for a clam in a shell,
So I’m thinking of throwing the battle —-
Would you kindly direct me to hell?


- "Coda", Dorothy Parker

good times never last.

I hate being blindsided. There I was, living in my own happy little bubble thinking that everything is A-Ok. Then something like this just has to happen. I guess it's true that good times never last.

First, the happy stuff:

Port Dickson was awesome. I really have to thank God on so many levels! Most importantly that I'm back in SG in one piece, esp since we went in a crappy excuse for a car. Many times during our journey, I felt like I was in the twilight zone - smoke coming out of our aircon vents, a wiper that makes the windscreen more blurry, an accelerator that has a delayed reaction even after flooring, and a super inaccurate GPS. Let's not even mention the worn out interior - splashes of red paint on the seat, a panel held together with blu-tack, etc.

Moral of the story: Never rent from a cheap car rental, no matter how attractive the price. There's a reason why it's cheap.

But I'm really glad our car (aka Bobby), or rather the passengers, was so fun. It truly was an adventure haha. I think our ridiculous situation prob helped to up the levels of crazy.

My virgin go-kart experience was a success too! 10 mins of pure excitement! And no accidents!!

As for our night activities, as usual there was lots of drinking. But no one passed out (unless it's out of pure exhaustion), and no one (ie. me) puked. It was quite an eye-opener to see the managers getting all crazy and initiating pillow fights though haha. I hope I can maintain a straight face in front of them in the office.

Seriously, I'm so blessed that God has placed all these nice people in my workplace around me, esp cuz there are quite a few Christians. I don't think I've ever had a manager pray with me before (we were praying for a safe journey in Bobby), and prob never will again. So yeah, that was another eye-opener haha.

And now, the horrible stuff:

So there I was, basking in the warm and blissful afterglow of this wonderful trip - it only lasted for an hour I think. And then I'm hit out of nowhere with really shitty news. Sometimes I think I'd rather be kept in the dark forever. Ignorance really is bliss.

Till now, I'm unable to give any clear explanations let alone give any possible solutions. Heck, it is not even my position to provide resolutions or to make any judgments. I can only say that in many ways, this is a wakeup call. But it doesn't reduce the anxiety and disappointment though. I can only pray and hope in the Lord, be as objective as I can, and show love no matter how difficult it is right now.

It's times like these that I really hate humans. Why do we (myself included) always complicate and hurt our relationships? I'm starting to lose hope.

There’s been some miscalculations,
there’s no room left to stand.

better off

#1 peeve with work:

I'm seriously very concerned about this drinking "problem" that I have/am developing. Maybe I'm just exaggerating cuz once/twice a week probably doesn't warrant being called a problem. But still.

I hate drinking for the sake of it.

Seriously, is there NO other way to have fun? The only things I get out of it are a throbbing headache, dulled senses, and nausea. I'm fine with alcohol if it's to chill out over good conversation with good friends, or just enough to loosen me enough that I can go onto the dancefloor without caring too much about looking like an uncoordinated idiot.

But I'm not ok if it becomes a pointless competition to see how much you can take, or if the end-goal is to get wasted. It's gross. So I guess it's a good thing that I managed to puke before 7pm last week at the D&D (after just 1 and a half martinis - another record). I don't mind looking like a loser if it means I don't have to, or rather can't, be forced to down more alcohol than I can stand.

Conclusion: I need more guts to resist the pressure of colleagues. Or I just need to puke more often. Cuz there's a limit to my liver and bank account.

Other than that annoying peeve, work and colleagues (when sober) have been great. Which I'm seriously more than grateful for :)

On the personal front, is it worrying that I'm really not that concerned about my single status? Maybe cuz I've been distracted enough that I haven't been thinking seriously about it. Or maybe it's just that I can't really see myself being attached to ONE person for the rest of my life. Ok sometimes I do wish I had a constant in my life; someone who is always there for me to rant to, confide in, or share my lame thoughts with. But these moments are fleeting and pass as quickly as they come. I'm not about to dress up/wear more makeup just cuz it'll get more boys interested haha. I don't wanna be in a relationship just cuz it's the social expectation and it's what everyone has. On the other hand, I also don't wanna hang around till I'm old and 'undesirable'.

Maybe the reason why I'm still single is cuz I lack a sense of urgency haha. But still, I'm sticking to my motto of, 'if it happens, it happens'. And really, I just haven't met someone who's managed to catch and hold onto my (very fickle) interest. For now, I'm happy just prancing around doing what I like and enjoying this season of singlehood :)

Summer Camp - Better Off Without You

I think this song sums up what I feel about relationships right now hahah. Granted it's about an awful ex, but it's so ridiculously catchy and sing-out-loud that I think it applies to single ladies in general.

And if you said you'd never waste my time
I'd be so happy, I'd be so happy

I feel like I'm just waiting for the happy bubble I'm currently in to burst.

So far, the major occupational hazard I face is probably liver failure. Followed by bankruptcy. I think the amount I've drank (and spent) in the past month is more than what I've had this whole year.

So the difficulty is maintaining work-life balance, like more work and less life. As weird as that sounds. I guess that's a good bad-thing right? It's fun and a great way to socialize with colleagues, but after a while it's just tiring. And I really don't want it to be a habit; like a default activity to fall back on when I wanna relax.

Meanwhile, here's a really young and talented songstress, Lucy Rose, that I've recently fallen in love with. Delicate vocals and totally heartbreaking lyrics that display maturity way beyond her 18 years. Her songs give me a lot of feelings.

Lucy Rose - Scar

you said you would be waiting

yes, hi there, I'm still alive

The Drums - Money

My life in a sentence: I wanna buy you something but I don't have any money

Life got in the way, so haven't been able to update much.

Hmm, so work's been greaaat. Haven't really done any real work yet, but the people have been really nice and the environment is so much better - less uptight and formal. Even in terms of what I wear. Like I feel overdressed in my long-sleeved work blouses, which were the standard attire previously. I think my previous job set me up such that it really lowered my expectations so that I'm happy even with teeny improvements haha.

But above all, I guess God deserves the full glory :)

I'm still way tired though. But the company shuttle does help ALOT. At least I get to snooze during the journey, though I get the fresh-out-of-bed look when I reach the office. All I have to do is make sure I get my butt to the MRT station on time, which usually means doing the 100m sprint.

Also, Aussie in November! :)))

(I have this irrational fear that vocalising the good things in my life will make them untrue. I hope I didn't just do that.)

deuxième

Now that I'm going to be starting another job/phase of my life (for the second time), it's time to reflect on the journey of the past few months. And I have much to be thankful for:

It's seriously been a long period of searching. When I first started, I set myself the deadline of April. But April quickly came and went, and I was still jobless. And it's not like I haven't been trying. I've gone for countless (like seriously, I lost count) interviews and assessments. I've written faux proposals, press releases, sat for tests/essays, gave a nerve-wracking presentation, and even built a box for ping pong balls (but I must say, that was really fun!). Every call I got was an opportunity and a hope that this could be it. But after all that, I never got a single job offer. Which sucks. And I realized that when it comes to life, it's futile to set deadlines of any sort because if it's not the time, it's not the time. (Of course this doesn't really apply to real work deadlines haha.)

But God is faithful. He remembered me even as I sat around being despondent and discouraged. He blessed me with things to occupy/apply myself to, ie. helping with props for the Easter musical, DLTP, leading Bible study, a job at the father's company, my recently discovered interest in music blogging. Most importantly, I was constantly reassured and encouraged by friends around me. And then, He answered my call out of the blue.

This job was totally unexpected in many ways. For instance, after the nightmare of travelling from East to West the last time, I told myself (and everyone) that I will never go back to Jurong. But oh look, I'm back there again! And at a location even further and more inaccessible than last time. Looking back, I can only laugh at my naivety that I can be so sure of something. I guess this only proves that God works in ways we can't possibly fathom. We may decide on our plans, but in the end He decides our final actions and works events out in ways that achieve His will and purpose.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." - Proverbs 16:9

It's crazily ironic, and I still can't really make sense of this haha. I'm just super thankful that they have private transportation from Paya Lebar (and that HR wasn't bluffing me when they told me I have a seat), which is probably as good as it can get. And of course, I can only continue trusting that God's hand is in all of this, and that there's a reason why I'm back in Jurong.

As for the job, I think I'm equal parts excited and anxious. Excited because it's a great company, and I'm doing something entirely new to myself; I literally have zero experience and no idea about what to expect. And that's where the anxiety comes in. Cuz there's lots of uncertainty, especially doubts about whether I have the ability to do the job well. And really, there's the great fear that this time will be as miserable as the previous experience especially now that I can't get out so easily. But I can definitely say that I'm more optimistic than when I first started the last time. But yeah, I will try to level my expectations and not get too carried away by all the good things that I'm hearing before I even start.

At the end of the day, I think it's all about greeting each day and challenge with a cheerful heart and attitude. It's easy to say now, because I know for sure that there will be days when I get so frustrated I wanna scream and shoot someone (or myself). But I guess what I've learnt from the previous time is that I really need to keep my emotions and pride in check if I wanna get the most of out of anything. I need to remember to bring all my feelings of injustice and frustration to God for Him to deal with, instead of rashly taking things into my own hands and ruining the entire situation.

I have a feeling the next 6 months are gonna be tough :( But I have hope that I am here for a reason (aka Why I'm Back in Jurong), and that the Lord is with me and will help me accomplish all this, if I trust and obey.

Finally, these past few months of bumming and slumming around have actually been enriching. For one, I've learnt that it's actually pretty ok to be alone (cuz everyone else was working or busy having a life). It may sound like I'm trying to console myself but honestly, I really enjoyed the solitude and the freedom of having endless days stretched out before me for the taking hah. I had fun going swimming (albeit illegally) in the morning, walking over to the beach for coffee and a good book, and generally just walking around and exploring places on my own. I was never bored or lonely. Or maybe I'm just good at entertaining myself haha. But yeah, I will miss those times.

Oh, and The Jamie is back! I can't believe 2 years are already gone and she's finally back home haha. We can resume our makan adventures anddd... WWF is finally on track to full attendance at last :) This makes me so happy haha.

Anyway, while we're on the topic about waiting, here's a beautiful song about waiting for The One (if there ever is such a thing) to finally show up. I'm a sap cuz this actually made me shed a few tears haha.

Madi Diaz - Love You Now

So find me

When you want to find me

Say you want me badly

Let me know somehow

oops, i did it again

I wrecked the car again. Full-on scraped the paint off the side and leaving a crazy dent.

So stupiddd. EVERYTIME. It happens EVERYTIME.

I don't know whether to blame the size of the car, or the stupid ghetto (meaning small dark and cramped) multi-storey carpark. Or it's just my sucky driving skills. But I mean, I haven't been in an accident for over 2 years! So it can't be that bad right?

For some reason though, my mum wasn't too upset about this. And almost sounded gleeful that I'm paying for it.

Mum: Do you wanna hear the good news or bad news first?

Me: Sigh. Just tell me how much it costs.

Mum: I brought it to the workshop in Ubi and they told me it's $450. (Me: O.O) So I brought it to Tampines and they told me it's only $250! *smiles brightly*

Me: Sigh.

So there goes my first paycheck, before I've even started work.

Sidenote: I dunno if it's a good or bad thing that my car's such a regular at 3 workshops.

Fence me in and keep me close to you.

girl power

Here are a few of the songs that formed the soundtrack to my formative years. Not that I understood any of the lyrics then, but I definitely have a newfound appreciation of them now.

These are songs that I know all the words to, and can't help but sing along with at the top of my lungs. Most importantly, they helped to shape and define what I would listen to years later.

Lisa Loeb - Stay (I Missed You)

Paula Cole - I Don't Want to Wait

Will it be yes or will it be
Sorry

Tracy Chapman - Fast Car

We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

Shawn Colvin - Sunny Came Home

She says days go by I don't know why
I'm walking on a wire

It makes me wonder if there are any female vocalists of equal calibre in this generation - who can sing with such tenderness and tell a vivid story with their finely placed words and a few strums of their guitar.

Should I be able to make my own decisions?

I want to. I want to be able to to experience all this for my own, to deal with the consequences on my own, and to fail if I have to.

You start to wonder just how much your parents are willing to treat you as a grown-up. At 24, I think I'm long past being qualified as an adult.

Is it because they still see me as a child, or have I not earned their trust? Have I approached this the wrong way?

In a different time and place, I'm sure this wouldn't even be up for debate.

I really want to be in a different time and place right now. And I'm tired of being held back by their decisions for me - and willingly, worse of all. All the talk of growing up and being responsible all seems moot when I haven't had the chance to do so.

This is an opportunity that probably won't come by again, in this time and place. It might seem rash and rebellious. But do you honestly think that I do not know the risks? I am fearful and wary and uncertain. I have no idea what I'm in for.

And that is precisely why I wanna do this.

Bro, to me before he left: "Take care of Mummy and Papa ok. Don't quarrel with them."

In moments like these, I feel like the younger sibling. There I am, worrying about him being overseas and instead he worries about others. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve a brother as selfless as him.

It takes someone close leaving before you realize just how much you've taken them for granted, and how much you actually treasure them. You wanna take back those moments when you snapped at them for no reason other than that you had a bad day and they happened to be in the way, or when you gave them clipped answers just cuz you couldn't be bothered to explain in detail.

But of course there were good times too. Like how my bro is always the one I sit next to at family dinners so we could talk crap to each other. Or how he always makes me laugh and makes my lousy day a teeny bit better just by saying something stupid or by hearing his nonsensical opera singing from the bathroom.

It's times like these that I feel like the unworthy and rotten hypocrite that I am. When someone I always nag at for not going to church is actually so much more of a nicer and bigger person than I am. My bro's always the one who thinks of others before himself, who willingly offered his laptop for loan to me last year, who actually went and bought a portable dvd player for my grandma when she was in hospital and does jigsaw puzzles with her. And all I've been doing is being a grouch and complaining when I'm asked to do something inconvenient.

Another example - Bro to mum: "Don't always scold Jiejie (Sis) ok. Don't quarrel with her."

As you can tell, our sibling relationship is a little skewed. Somehow he's the one I should be learning from. And now that he's away, I feel like I have to take up the responsibility that was always mine but that I never cared for.

Which begs the question: How am I supposed to be the light of the world when I am such a harbinger of doom and gloom even at home? As a Christian, I've basically failed.

I guess now is the time for reflection, and for stepping up. I need to try harder at spending time and helping out with my family, even if it means wanting to shoot myself sometimes when my mum makes me repeatedly go through the steps for installing an iPhone app. And also to try harder to rein in my bad temper and general stupid tendency to be self-absorbed and self-centred.

In the meantime, I hope my bro is having the time of his life in NYC (!!) and that he'll come back soon cuz our house is getting way too quiet.

Hypocrite, reader

My double, my brother

I love to write, I really do. Words have the power to inform and to affect, and knowing that my words have the ability to do that makes me really happy. And of course, my other love is music. Or rather, listening to it since I can't really play any instruments (unless you count knowing enough to plonk away at single notes on the keyboard). If I could, I would spend my days scouring the internetz for new artists/songs.

Actually I think I have music ADD. I flit from artist to artist, depending on my mood and whichever sounds nice to me at the moment. I think I only ever listen to my "Recently Added" playlist, because there is always something new to discover and get hooked on - however long that lasts. Sometimes I hear a song on the radio, then download it only to realize that I already have it haha.

Anyway it seems obvious that the best way to indulge both my loves is to write about music, right? But I seriously find it hard. I'm always struck by how reviewers do their jobs. Firstly, to me, music is all about the feelings they strike up in you when you listen. It isn't like describing solid products and rattling off their pros/cons. You can't hold music in your hands and talk about how practical/useful it is. You can only listen and let it reverberate and sink in. So how do you even transmute your intangible feelings into literate words, such that your reader is also able to feel exactly the way you felt? Shouldn't it be enough for the music to speak for itself? And of course, music is subjective. One man's poison is another's wine. So who am I to judge whether this song sounds better than the rest?

Plus in order to provide technically-sound critiques, you need a huge internal catalogue of knowledge in order to understand the band's inspirations, or how they've made a certain genre sound even better and made it their own (or not). And most importantly, it takes time to listen and form your opinion of the song/album.

In other words, writing about music (and anything, really) is a labour of love. You can't continue unless you seriously enjoy it.

I know all this cuz I've tried to do it on my tumblr (link here, and on the right for those who're interested). It started out mainly as a place for me post whatever songs/videos that I liked, ie. sorta for book-keeping purposes. Plus I happened to have a lot of time on my hands haha. Then I discovered that there are others (albeit strangers from across the sea) who like my posts enough to 'like'/reblog them, or even follow my blog. There's a certain satisfaction in knowing that there are people who appreciate and share your interests. So I considered actually writing blurbs to go with the audio/video, to like share my (humble) opinions. But when it came down to it, I realized how HARD it actually was haha. So I only write something when I'm moved/inspired enough to do so, and even then it's mostly just a few lines.

(I feel like I'm drifting further away from what the main point of this post was supposed to be. So I shall end my rambling soon.)

Anyway yea, so I'm trying to challenge myself to contribute more constructive posts. As hard as it might be, it keeps my brain from degenerating during this lull period. And it is good practice cuz I really hope to find a job that allows me to write creatively. But of course I hope I won't write stuff for the sake of it, or because I wanna pander to "the masses". I'll still keep it close to what I love, cuz that was the reason I even had the tumblr in the first place.

As much as "talk-ischeap" is a guilty pleasure, I hope to keep it up even after I find employment and real life restarts.

- end verbal diarrhoea -

PS. editing blogspot templates are a PAIN. I'm starting to despise blogspot for its general unfriendliness. But well, I'm going back to basics with this layout haha.

So black and blue

For you

I think I'm developing a phobia of interviews.

It probably explains my relief that my interview has been postponed.

Been hearing stories about friends of friends who took anything between 8 months to 1 year to find a job. But amazingly they all end happily with their dream jobs (one guy became a bus inspector haha). So then, if 8 months is what it takes to find the job that I like - where I don't have to force myself to look enthusiastic - and a job that likes me for who I am, then I'm down. But of course, I'm also hoping I won't have to wait that long haha.

In the meantime, I need a part-time job to keep myself occupied. Ice cream server, anyone?

Also, here's a janglin' summer tune to make the heatwave feel a little bit better.

Helena Beat by Foster The People

Because Blogger always happens to be down when I feel like writing something, I'm jotting this down on TextEdit (Mac's version of notepad) first. On the same note (haha so many puns!), I think I'm doing most of my blogging on tumblr.

Seriously I think it's awesome; it's like the twitter version of blogging. You can easily find posts on any topic that you happen to fancy at the moment, follow/stalk others who have similar interests, and the best thing is, you can see all their posts all on one page, aka 'the dashboard' so you don't have to visit many individual pages. But anyway, my tumblr is only for media content, ie. videos, songs. So it's like the mistress to my blogger - only there to fulfil my meaningless whims and fancies, but not for anything serious. Not like my posts here are really insightful or thought-provoking.

Sigh.

I'm SO FRUSTRATED by my interviews. I've been to 10!!! 123456789 TEN. That's a record. Somehow I'm saying the right things, but it's just not enough. And maybe sometimes I'm really intimidated by long conference tables. Do I not seem like I want it bad enough?? How am I supposed to want something badly, when I don't even know what that something is? And how do I convey passion without going on my knees to beg?

Maybe I'm not really cut out for marketing. I'm tempted to start applying to agencies. An interviewer once told me that it's a good place to start if you're not sure which industry you wanna join. But I'm afraid of the long hours/crappy pay and facing the wrath of clients. Maybe it'll be a good training ground for me to start cultivating patience and a calm temperament.

I really need to trust and hold on to His promise that there's a reason for all this waiting. And that it'll all be worth it in the end.

Anyhoo, really love the song below. If you weren't listening closely to the lyrics, you'd think they were singing about sunshine and rainbows. Heartbreak never sounded so fun.

Cults - Abducted by cultscultscults

He broke my heart cuz I really loved him

So here's an update of my life:

Jobless and single. Still. And sleeping on the floor cuz my bed broke (no fat jokes please).

I'm such a destitute.

I think my position should be "Professional Interviewee". I keep going for interviews (been 8 so far), but somehow I don't get any offers. I'm starting to think that I'm either really not cut out for marketing, or I just love to flub my interviews.

But I must say, I'm getting really used to this aimless sort of existence. Ok sometimes I feel like a leech on society, but I'm seriously having fun and enjoying all this time that I have for myself haha. Is that wrong? Probably is.

I'll pretend a pretty pretend

When all I wanna see is the end of this

who will you follow?

'I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

“Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.'

- 1 Corinthians 15:50-58

24.

WHAAATTT??

1. Dinner with Mum and bro.

2. Nice Jap dinner in my belly.

3. Impromptu supper at 11pm!

4. Driving late at night, with the radio up and me singing at the top of my voice.

5. ANTM!

I'd say it was a pretty good night :)

Happy song! -

I'm already out
of foolproof ideas,
so don't ask me how to get started,
it's all uncharted

The single Rose
Is now the Garden
Where all loves end
Terminate torment
Of love unsatisfied
The greater torment
Of love satisfied
End of the endless
Journey to no end
Conclusion of all that
Is inconclusible
Speech without word and
Word of no speech
Grace to the Mother
For the Garden
Where all love ends.

- T.S. Eliot, "Ash Wednesday"

I've been reading T.S. Eliot lately, and feeling really impressed by his mastery of words.

The things that get me the most excited about (besides traveling), are the moments when I discover a really great band/singer, or a really great writer. There's this huge rush of excitement where I want to read/listen to every work, that at the same time is reined in by the fear that if I consume everything too quickly I won't be able to make the moment (and joy) last. Confusing, but true haha.

And then I feel like I need to share this joy with the rest of the world, which explains the random posting of tracks/videos/excerpts (I even have another blog for this purpose). I want everyone else to experience what I'm feeling. Sadly, my social circle has different tastes, which brings us back to why I go for concerts solo. But that's another story for another day. Anyway, so when I do find a fellow 'kindred' soul, I get so excited that I'd gladly set aside whatever I'm doing (usually unimportant in the first place anyway) to send some songs over or even burn a CD.

I think the gift of song and the gift of writing is rare and to be treasured, yet meant to be shared with the rest of the world. It's amazing how an awesome song/performance can stir one's emotions and resonate something inside you didn't even know you had. It can change the mood and atmosphere of a place and person. It gives hope (and maybe sometimes drive you to depression, but in a good way haha), and succeeds where words otherwise fail. This is probably why series like "Glee" are so popular haha. Music speaks to all of us, no matter the genre. A good book/poem does the same too I think. I'm amazed by how someone I've never even met is able to put my emotions into just a few lines of wonderfully-placed words which when separate don't make sense at all.

I think I'm really just awed by the fact that we as human beings, have been created by God to be distinct from animals such that we are able to feel, to give and take these feelings, and in turn, use them to create works of art that can reach others and stir up a plethora of emotions in them. Wonderful, no? And for this I give thanks :)

I'll try
But I couldn't be better

Wow it's almost been a month! It's MARCH already! Soon it'll be April, and I'll officially be 24.

Sadly, I don't have much to show for.

It's surprising how your days pass by so quickly even when you're not doing anything. Really, they seem to just blur together. I dunno if that's good or bad.

I want a change in my life. Not just my current circumstances, but life in general and in the long term. I feel like I haven't achieved much in my 24 years of existence - maybe just completing my education? Should aiming for a great career be my goal? Cuz somehow I don't see myself doing that.

I think this idle-ness is getting to me.

And disappointingly, as much as I have been sending in job applications, I haven't received any calls for interviews. I'm starting to think those 6 months are a blemish on my record. Or maybe my phone isn't working.

The Wilderness of Manitoba - Hermit

Will you ever know me,

The way I think you should

tik and also tok

This is the reason why I love Glee.



I love it when they re-invent songs and make them even than better the original. I also love the intro by Principal Figgins, "Tik and also Tok by rapper Ke-Dollar Sign-Ha".

Ok granted the episode was about drinking, and although it was supposed to be about why alcohol is BAD for you, to me it came off a little more like it was glorifying it. Esp given the amount of fun they seemed to be having in the show. I hope there aren't too many tweens watching :S

Oh well, as much as the episode made me wanna go out and party, I'm a complete boor when inebriated, ie. I turn lobster-red, and puke or pass out. As opposed to "weepy-hysterical" or "happy-girl drunk" (as illustrated in the show). I guess it's true. After experiencing the BAD effects of booze, you sorta get scared into NOT wanting to repeat them.

Oh but there was this scene in this country honky-tonk bar where pple were line-dancing together to the music! That brought back memories of Texas, cuz it really does happen there. It's like Singapore's mambo, but with feet and minus the crazy hand gestures. I remember dancing together in one line with a bunch of strangers, all the while trying not to step on their toes. Good times :D

And have I mentioned that ANTM and Amazing Race are back!?!? In Kaishi's words, "my buddy, life begins again!" :)

In other news on the unemployment front, I've been in a big fat lazy funk (not the dancing kind). I'm soooo lazyyyyy. And I'm so borreeddddddddddd (as evident from the increase in my fb/blogging activity, and they're all meaningless posts too). Well not really, I've been doing church stuff - helping out with props for the musical and trying to get my act together so I can lead a Bible study session.

Anyhoo, this is an awesome (albeit much quieter) song.



You’re the only one that hurts,
Only one that hurts me more than a little bit

What I love about concerts is the experience, and because you really get to see the effort an artiste puts in to make it worthwhile for the audience. I usually either dislike/have more love for an artiste after their concert. And I'm glad today's was the latter.

It was a rare chance to see Rachael Yamagata perform solo and acoustic in an intimate setting without her band, and it was worth the awkwardness of having to go alone (although I saw several other loners like me haha). Although she flubbed some of the lyrics, and her guitar was slightly off-tune, the performance was still mind-blowing and awesome. The smaller stage and acoustics really enhanced everything, though I think her voice will still sound awesome wherever haha. What I really loved was her easy banter and willingness to share her thoughts/feelings, even going as far as to share her past relationships and even that she's in the midst of a break-up (aww), or joking that her songs are depressing/suicidal haha. Most bands just go up there, do their thing, and go off.




(That's me trying to be artistic with the photo haha.)

And of course she had an eager audience which lapped up everything she gave out haha. It helped that she wasn't afraid to laugh at herself (especially when she couldn't remember lyrics/chords), and even got the audience to sing along at some parts.

This being the first time I attend a concert alone, I made sure I went all the way and queued up for an autograph (first time also, and probably the last) haha. I usually don't believe in being a groupie, so this is a big step. Anyway I got a photo, and got RY to sign my ticket and iPhone cover (she said it's nice btw)!! It's a crazy move, and totally unlike me, but I'm glad I did it. Absolutely made my dayyy! :)) Though it looks like it's time to get a new cover haha.


:D

Ok as much as I would like to document everything, I shall stop being an obsessive fan.

And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here

Updates:

My time in Jurong is finally done! I dunno how I feel though - a mixture of happiness and wistfulness? My colleagues were the best people I could've ever asked to work with, and I'm glad they've become more than just colleagues. They made my days more bearable, and provided lots of fun and laughter. Will really miss them :(

They've set a really high benchmark of expectations for my future colleagues that I'm really worried will not be met. Like what if the people at my next job are a bunch of meanies?

Then again, I'm also glad to be leaving. At least people can stop asking, "So when is your last day again?" haha. This is sort of the end of a memorable, albeit short, chapter in my life. I can't say I didn't come away with anything, cuz I did. I really learnt a lot; things like being aware of the different little nuances that can convey anything and everything, thinking before speaking, and the many different shades people come in. In the real world, there's no black and white. Just many many greys. And I guess I know more about navigating through all these things, though I'm still far from being an expert.

So now I'm in the transition period haha. Again. I feel kinda aimless, though I hope it won't be meaningless. Right now I don't think my priority is in finding a new job (I mean, it is in a way) but in really seriously considering what I want and seek for my next position. I can't say, "I won't know what I like until I try it" anymore. Cuz then it'll be a repeat of the previous job, and this time I won't be able to just pat my backside and leave.

So I'm really praying for wisdom and guidance in my decisions, for God to reveal His purpose and plans for me. And of course, for me to use my free time wisely and meaningfully. If this is God's season for me to be unoccupied, I pray it'll be fruitful and this period will help me to sort out my thoughts, priorities, and really use it to grow in my spiritual life (been slacking a lot recently).

Oh and I went ahead and bought a Rachael Yamagata ticket! Haha madness. I was literally camping in front of the com (at work :S) waiting for ticket sales to start. And they sold out in 5 mins! Woots, so really glad I managed to get my hands on 1. This will be my virgin experience of being a loner at a concert though. I just hope with the chaotic ticket sales, there'll be plenty of others like me haha.



But I'm the one that's acting like I'm so strong
You're the one that's acting like nothing's wrong

music sampling

Sooo many of my fav bands are coming to Singapore but I have no one to see them with! WHY. It's so hard to find people who share the same tastes in music. I need more friends :(

Is it sad to go to a concert alone? Cuz I'm really tempted to do it, esp for Rachael Yamagata. I know it'll totally be worth the awkwardness of sitting by myself haha.





Since I'm at it, I might as well share other favs:

Phoenix! Awesome French band that sings in English. They make me wanna get up and dance haha.





KT Tunstall is cool in this video cuz she's a one-woman band. She beatboxes, then records it on this machine that loops it so it becomes the beat of the song. And she plays the guitar, and whistles!



And of course, The National. Their music moves me. Regret not buying tickets to their upcoming gig.







We're half awake in a fake empire

twenty eleven

Wooo, is it 2011 ALREADY. It seems like once the millenium started the years just starting zooming past. Or maybe I'm just getting older. In the words of my dad, "Next year is the rabbit year, which means you're 24 already. By the time the next cycle comes in 12 years, you should already have 2 kids. (Me: WHAT?) But no pressure."

Anyway although the past year might seem brief, as usual it didn't go down without any drama. There have been plenty of highs and lows: CP and its sleepless nights, graduation!, Europe (still can't believe I was running around that continent for 3 weeks, but can't wait to go back), and who can forget being shoved head-first into my first job (and subsequent resignation). Nice. But of course, I'm really thankful that in spite of everything, I got through the year relatively smoothly, and all the better for it.

For 2011, my hope is that it will be a chill year. But of course, life will always be full of drama. What I really hope for is that I can let go of the regrets of 2010, and live a purposeful life! I hope to finally find a job I enjoy, and continue the transition into the role of responsible, working adult instead of still wishing I was a student. This also means to be able to better balance work, family, friends and of course time with God. Speaking of which, I also hope this year will be a good time of spiritual refreshment and reflection.

Below is an article in today's Straits Times which I found to be quite meaningful for the new year:

A toast to new year exertions

Idleness is over-rated, purposeful work is the stuff of happiness

THERE is an entertainment hub in Sengkang that is strikingly devoid of glitz and glamour - just two fields facing each other across a road that leads to the Fernvale housing estate.

Yet every Sunday, except when it pours, the place draws devotees of a good sport - cricketers in elegant, all-white shirt-and-trouser ensembles, soccerites in strong, bright team colours, ultimate frisbee enthusiasts channelling dry fit chic, and slipper-clad families clutching kites with which to catch the evening breeze.

People do not go to the Sengkang hub to sit around and be entertained; they go there to play - to stretch both mind and body in a good workout that is also good fun.

Good play takes effort. It is strenuous, sometimes painful, on a good day exciting and absorbing. It is the opposite of idleness, and in that sense, similar to work.

Recently, a colleague and I were talking over Christmas office party leftovers about whether work was the opposite of fun. She declared it was; I disagreed.

Another colleague joined in and said one of the most fun things she did of late was to talk to older Singaporeans for a story related to death that she was writing.

As it turns out, the dictionary lists as the antonym of work not fun, but idleness. The Oxford English Dictionary, that self-described 'definitive record of the English language', contains a reference to an 1889 book by novelist J. K. Jerome titled The Idle Thoughts Of An Idle Fellow, which reminds us that 'There is no fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do'.

I suspect many of us have come to equate happiness and the good life with rest and relaxation because our lives are often so busy and packed full of tasks that we feel obliged to get done.

But what would be the point of leisure if we actually had nothing to do? Sitting around doing nothing is boring, mind-numbing and muscle-wasting.

A former colleague once went on a much anticipated two-week break in Phuket to get away from it all and just chill. It turned out to be a real bore after the first few days. He could not wait for the holiday to end. He realised then that he would have to rethink his retirement plans.

Last year, Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew drew mixed reactions when he said Singaporeans should not rush to retire but work for as long as possible. In 2008, he put it more starkly when he said: 'Retirement means death.'

Those who expect to retire at 62 for a life of enjoyment are making the biggest mistake of their lives, he warned. 'If you want to see sunrise tomorrow or sunset, you must have a reason, you must have the stimuli, to keep going,' he said. Mr Lee is clearly a man who has found meaning and purpose in his work.

But this is not a column to harangue Singaporeans to work longer, timed to coincide with the re-employment law that the Government plans to pass early this year - although sceptics may think this lady doth protest too much.

Rather, I am trying to say that we should all focus on what makes us come to life, each in our own way. That is a question worth exploring in this season of New Year's resolutions because to be fully alive is to be happy. And surely happiness is ultimately what we all seek when we make resolutions about living better in the new year than in the old.

American psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihaly has made it his life's work to study the psychology of optimal experience. He has coined a term for those times in our lives when we feel such a deep sense of exhilaration and enjoyment that we think: 'Ah, if only life could always be like this.' It is at those times that a person is in the state of effortless yet highly focused consciousness he calls 'flow'.

His research involved getting thousands of people around the world to monitor and record their experiences during the course of a day using the Experience Sampling Method he developed while at the University of Chicago. He has concluded of 'flow' that 'the best moments usually occur when a person's body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile'.

Here again, we find the opposite of idleness. Human beings are in flow when their skills match the challenges they are presented with. By contrast, if their skills far surpass the challenge, they become bored. If their skills are not up to the challenge, they feel anxious.

He also found that people are more often in flow while at work than at leisure. That is because on the job, they feel skilful and challenged, and therefore more happy, strong, creative and satisfied.

In their free time, people may feel that there is not much to do or that their skills are not being used, and may tend to feel sad, listless, dull and dissatisfied.

Yet many people say they would like to work less and spend more time in leisure. Why this contradiction? Prof Csikszentmihaly thinks that 'when it comes to work, people do not heed the evidence of their senses'.

'They disregard the quality of immediate experience and base their motivation instead on the strongly rooted cultural stereotype of what work is supposed to be like. They think of it as an imposition, a constraint, an infringement of their freedom, and therefore something to be avoided as much as possible,' he wrote in one of his books.

Perhaps the same holds for our concept of play as well, with the prevailing perception being that the less effort expended, the better one's leisure time. That may well explain why millions of people around the world seem to prefer watching rather than playing sport.

If our belief is that happiness lies in doing less rather than more, in resting within our comfort zones rather than stretching ourselves to meet new challenges, are we short-changing ourselves by closing off potentially exhilarating experiences that come from total immersion in a difficult activity of our choosing?

I suspect so, and hence I wish you all many happy exertions in the new year.

Happy New Year! :)