This CNY

The bad news: I've eaten waaaayyy too much. All those meals out and CNY goodies. Double impact man. Bleah. My get-fit action plan had better start soon.

School is gonna start again. Shit. Projectstestsprojectstests... Kill me now, please.

The good news: I'm going to watch Fall Out Boy!! Well ok it's not that exciting, considering that I'm $61 poorer and our seats are like far far away. But it's better than nothing :)

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness in misery

more random thoughts

1. CNY shopping is a freaking pain. Like seriously. I've been hunting up and down for something decent to wear, and I've been everywhere. Like Vivo, Parkway (twice, cuz I love it so much) and Marina Square. But at least I finally found something yay :D Yes, I'm finally gonna wear a dress! Don't laugh ok. I know me wearing a dress is extremely out-of-the-ordinary, but it's NOT funny! Grr.

2. I plan to adopt a healthy lifestyle. That means no late nights if I can help it (yet here I am typing this at 2am), and going to cycle at ECP on Weds aka recreation day! Currently my exercise consists of running for the bus, and climbing/running up (when I'm late) the 8237492837 stairs at NUS. So obviously I need to do more, though the stairs are no mean feat. But I need lots of discipline!

3. I've been reading "Twilight", albeit a bit later than the rest of the world. Sad to say, I'm quite disappointed. For one, the book should come with a warning label in front: "Girls should be warned that Edward Cullen DOES NOT exist." Like come on, the only reason why it is fictional is because good-looking gentlemen like Edward Cullen are either extinct, or don't even exist in the first place. Plus he's a vampire. I found the story quite shallow also. I suspect the girl only likes the vampire cuz he's good-looking, and cuz he's a vampire. But that's just my opinion. Otherwise, the book makes for good reading when you have nothing much to do haha.

4. Speaking of boyfriends, I've come to the conclusion that I want someone who loves God more than he loves me. Cuz all the other good qualities will naturally fall into place after that. And at the end of the day, having a good standing in the Lord's eyes is the most important thing. But oh well, it's all in God's hands. I don't even know if He has someone planned for me, though I do hope He does haha.

5. School unfortunately, still sucks. That never changes haha. I can't decide whether I like super long days and more free days, or short days that start late and end early, but that come with a lot of travelling cuz I have to go to school more often. But at least I get to see my friends :) It makes school much more bearable haha.

6. If everything goes well, WWF will get to go overseas again! Whether it is to look at jellyfish at Micronesia (which is really cool by the way), or to take a train down to Thailand (cuz we're cheap), I'm confident we'll have fun haha. Now I just need to 生 money from somewhere.

Everyone's right and no one is sorry
That's the start and the end of this story

it's okay

I can't explain why I'm dreading the start of the new sem. Usually I'm nonchalant, and it really doesn't matter to me whether or not there is school. But this time, I'm filled with this feeling of dread, sadness and emptiness whenever I think about starting the new sem :(

I think after going through a month of fun, light, and happiness, it's really hard to go back to reality haha. Cold, dark and stupid reality. But it's ok. I'll be ok after a few weeks of school. It all just takes a bit of getting used to.

This sem will be better than the last. For one, I'm determined to do nothing but mug. Actually it doesn't look like I have any other choice, especially since I'm taking 4 Business modules, and a Science GEM that I'm starting to regret taking after looking at the lecture notes. Nevertheless, I'm still gonna try. I will not be distracted by issues that do not concern me. Never again.

But then again, I realise I actually study better when I'm sad haha. It's like a driving force because studying helps me to forget all my sadness. But it's not worth the cost, so it's still quite stupid. Of course I'd still prefer to be happy, like now.

I wish I could go back to my sec school days. A few of us went back to the new DHS just now (at 12am, but the security uncle was nice enough to let us in), on a whim. Even though a few buildings have changed and a few more were added (the canteen has a larger variety of food haha), the place still holds fond memories. Every nook and cranny of the school reminds me of something. I can even remember the names of the teachers, and all their funny characteristics haha. Those days will always be the best of my life.

It's okay if you can't stay long
It's okay if all our answers are wrong
It's okay if you want to move on

pick me up

"The fact is always obvious much too late, but the most singular difference between happiness and joy is that happiness is a solid and joy a liquid."
- J.D. Salinger, "Nine Stories"

I've never really understood what that quote meant. To me, it can mean that happiness is more substantial than joy. On the other hand, it can also mean that joy is able to take on any form, like how a liquid is able to conform to the shape of any container it is put in. I choose to believe it is the latter.

But I haven't been able to find pure joy yet. The ability to be happy in whatever circumstance I find myself in, whether good or bad. To find a bigger meaning behind everything that happens in my life. So far, my happiness has largely been dependent on the situation I'm in, which is quite worrying because I wonder what will become of me when I start working. I can't imagine going to the same place everyday, at the same time, to see the same people, and to do the same mundane tasks over and over again. For the rest of my life. It's terrifying. And I don't ever wanna live like that.

So I guess the only thing I can do, is not so much to change the situation around me, but to change myself and my attitude towards life. If I can find joy in the little things around me, and give thanks for everything life throws at me (including all the disgusting bits), then I guess that will make everyday seem a little brighter.



I still can't get over Ryan Adams haha. It's like a different experience everytime I listen to his songs.

I wish you would
Come pick me up

Year in Review 2008

Ok, here’s my annual year-in-review, a reflection of sorts. Hmm so this year has been quite a milestone (I turned 21!), therefore it’s quite fitting that so many things have happened that have taught me more about myself.

1. Happiness is what you make of it. I can choose to be happy, or I can choose to be miserable. It’s easier said than done, but it can be done. It’s better to be happy, and hopefully it’ll overflow and make others happy as well. But of course, you should be happy for the right reasons.

2. I should never let my universe revolve around human beings, because humans are unreliable and disappointing. They will never be able to always live up to your expectations. They can also never be there for you as much as you would’ve liked. I’ve let my actions, thoughts, and even emotions, be governed by the actions of others so much that I’m afraid I might have lost myself along the way. I need to find my way back to living for the Lord. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna ignore others around me; it just means I don’t live for them. I like to make people happy, but I won’t let their lives be the reasons for mine.

3. I’ve made a big mistake of imposing my opinions on others, which is probably a consequence of the point above. I’ve made their lives so big a part of mine that it’s become more of what I want, and less of what they want. I’ve been too blinded by what I think is ‘right’, that I failed to see that my perception of ‘right’ is different from theirs. I failed to speak less and listen more, and put my own feelings above theirs. I’ve always prided myself in being a good listener but I guess I might’ve lost that somehow. I now know I should’ve let others’ personal lives stay that way, which is to be personal. I also need to learn when to back off.

4. My trip to the US has shown me that I am able to depend on myself. On the other hand, it has also shown me that despite being independent, I still need others around to support me. If not for Lauren and my roommate, I’d not have experienced that much. Also, I really yearn to travel again. I’m serious. Going to a foreign country brings you out of your comfort zone, and you’re more willing to be adventurous and take more risks, which allow you to learn. But alas, I can’t afford to travel as much as I would’ve liked.

5. I need to be more patient. It’s ok if things don’t turn out the way I want them to. I just have to find another way around the problem. Losing my temper or going around pointing fingers won’t help. Also, I need more humility because it’s ok to not know everything sometimes. Instead of trying to look smart, all I really have to do is open my mouth and ask, even though it might make me look stupid haha.

6. I need to work harder at accepting people for who they are, instead of always trying to change them to suit my own standards. I mean, well, I accept my friends and all their flaws, but that’s only after I’ve known them for years (and also kinda because I’ve long given up trying to change them haha, just kidding). If these people aren’t who they are, along with all their little nuances, they wouldn’t be different from anyone else, and they wouldn’t have made me who I am today. Sure, their bad habits do irritate me sometimes, but this is who they are, and I need to be able to accept everything as a whole package, instead of just accepting the good and trying to banish the bad. Cuz well, I’m not perfect, yet no one really tells me off for being like that.

7. I should stop forming my relationships with others on a tit-for-tat basis. When it comes to friendships, it’s ok to not receive as much as you give. Getting back less than what you think you deserve is ok. Then again, giving is better than receiving. And it makes me happy whenever I’ve made someone else happy.

8. My friends and family are the most amazing blessings God has given me. They’ve been there for me when I was in my lowest points, whether it was to listen to my (trivial) complaints, give me advice, or to just be there. And of course, they were there to share my joys as well. In fact, they are the ones who make me really happy haha. They let me be myself, and I can’t hide anything from them. Plus they keep me grounded, and are not afraid to tell me off whenever I’m being stupid. Most importantly, nothing’s ever boring when I have them around haha. And this Dec holiday has only affirmed to me how important they mean to me. Despite some shitty incidents that have happened, they have managed to help me feel better about everything. So I’m gonna be really sad when school starts and we have less time to meet up, especially when a few of them go overseas.

9. And of course, the Lord has stuck close to me through 2008, like He always has. He has shown me that despite the bad times, there will also be good times. And every moment is something to be learned from. I might not be able to see the reasons behind everything, but at least I have His reassurance that it’s all for a greater purpose. He has comforted me through my lowest moments, and given me joy through the people He put in my life.

‘Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.’
- Psalms 25:4-5

10. For 2009, I hope past wrongs and mistakes will be forgotten (and learnt from), and that it’ll be a better and brighter year.

We cannot take a single step
Without these ashes covering our feet
And all these failing dreams
Are burning in the streets