spineless

I'm sorry to say that I'm a spineless thing who sold her soul for a little extra cash. Again.

In exchange, I'm giving up my freedom and getting another 2 months' worth of drama, 6.45am mornings, and long train rides.

Oh well.

I wanted to stay home
but I went running running running running from the troubles

The job search has been a long and laborious process. Or rather, I've been making it long cuz of my procrastination. Especially now that my last day has been postponed to December. The good thing is that I can earn some money while (slowly) looking for another job, but the bad thing obviously is that I'm still at the office.

My work environment calls for an extremely delicate process of maintaining appearances, especially in front of the boss, and sometimes in front of colleagues. The brain-mouth filter also has to be constantly on alert, for fear that someone will misinterpret what you're saying or worse, will pass it along the grapevine. I seriously hope not all offices are like that. It's extremely tiring. To grin and bear it when your boss insults you, or to refrain from bitching about others.

On the one hand I want to be part of the group, but on the other hand I have to stay detached and objective. Well ok, my colleagues have been really nice and we get along fine. But I can't help but feel that it's dependent on what I say/do. Argh. And especially as a Christian, sometimes it's hard to balance what the world demands with behaving in a way that is befitting of your godly calling.

I think out of the 7 days of the week I only like Fridays and Saturdays cuz they don't precede work days. Yucks.

I'm so tired I don't know what I'm saying.

And if you fall hard, I fall harder
If you're gonna break, just let it break
I'll pick up the pieces and mistakes

No I know I took for granted that things
Would always go the way I wanted oh
I was going to be a treetop
A sea, a boat, a rock of ages

I don't always get it right
I'd see it in a different kind of light

Pay my lip service
Keep it eloquent
Optimistic but
Never quite elegant
Still a weirdo
Still a weirdo, after all these years

I'd always thought it's automatic
to grow into a soul less static
But here I am upon the same spot
Attempting to lift off into space

I don't always get it right
But a thousand different ways
And I just might

Pay my lip service
Keep it eloquent
Optimistic but
Never quite elegant
Still a weirdo
Still a weirdo, after all these years

backed into the corner

So I've quit my job.

It's a shocking decision even to myself. I never thought I'd be such a neh neh and quit after only 1 month. I can give so many reasons: I don't enjoy my job scope, the products are boring, unhealthy environment etc. But I guess only 1 reason is the most important: I'm not happy. Like my colleague said, "Once you feel like you're dragging your sorry ass to work everyday, then it's time to leave."

Except for me, I only needed 1 month to reach that stage. Sure, I can continue and stick it out longer and "give myself a chance" (like what my boss said), but what's the point? Of course I thought about the long-term benefits (good stepping stone, learning experience etc.) but I can't see myself continuing here for even a year cuz I only see my misery being prolonged. Even the pay has stopped being a motivating factor.

And of course, I've given this a lot of thought cuz there are severe consequences. Like, "What if I'm closing an important door on myself? What if this will ruin my resume? What if my next job is just as bad? Am I just being a quitter?" I have all these fantasies about what I'd rather be doing, for instance living/working in another country even if it's a menial job, running my own cafe where I don't have to answer to other people, travelling in Europe again etc.

But honestly, I have no idea what I'm looking for. I only know I'm not happy and this job is slowly depleting me. I'm just glad that I have the luxury to quit cuz I don't have a family to support. I'm also really thankful that I have supportive parents. So now, I'm seriously considering the path I want to pursue and thinking about my strengths and weaknesses, and really thinking about which job will fit me the best.

Anyway I've been really torn between staying (and being miserable), or quitting (and risk not being able to find another job). I've been praying really hard, asking God to show me where it is He wants me to go, to illumine and clarify my thoughts. So far, I'm still waiting for His prompting. I don't know if it's because I've been so busy and frustrated with things that I haven't focused on my relationship with God so I can't hear Him, or because He really is keeping silent for a reason. But a friend told me this:

"Sometimes God just sort of lets us choose. One choice isn't right or wrong over another. Either way you choose, he will work in it. God just kind of steps back, and while he is still very much involved in our lives, and while i do believe he knows all that will happen, I dont believe he's robotically instituting it, and I dont think that he necessarily is handplaying everything you know. Some things, a lot of things, he just sort of... lets play out. The point is just, sometimes, the choice is up to us and do we seek him? of course! But often he seems... silent. You know? Perhaps about your job for instance. Do you quit? Do you not quit? there doesnt seem to have been a clear answer from God. So you pursue what you feel you want to do. and pray that if it's not what you're supposed to do, that he'll make it clear. And for you, he hasn't shut that door. so you pursue quitting. and you pursue finding something that you'll like better. and pray that his will be done and that his hand is in what happens... that he opens the right doors for you."

It's true. Making the decision to quit gave me such a huge sense of peace and relief. It's like previously I was miserable cuz I didn't believe quitting was an option. Maybe I'll come to regret this next time, but for now, I just have to trust that whichever direction I go, God's hand is in it like it has been all along. Many times in my life, He has turned something good out of the bad and I believe that this won't be an exception. I just have to go on putting my faith in Him and trusting that He is in control of everything. And of course, to do my best to serve Him wherever I am. The same friend said this:

"We've screwed up the word success. Success is simply doing your best with where God has put you, and doing the best with the doors that he opens to you regardless of where that is. If he places me to be a janitor. well, so be it. as long as i'm doing my best to glorify him in it, then awesome! And the other thing is i always pray that god will open the right doors and close the wrong ones and one thing i've found, is that where God is, there is peace. so when i have consistent unpeace, that is when i begin to question if perhaps it's not a door that he's closing. I dont know. i could be totally wrong in all of that. but i know that for me, i always pray that way. that his will will be done. that he will open the right doors, close the wrong ones. and though i am often unsure, it always seems that he guides me where i am at peace about being. and the wrong doors do close and the right ones do open."

I really thank God for placing friends like these in my life, especially times when I need them the most. Right now I think I really need to go back to God, refocus my thoughts, and really pray for wisdom and the courage to go where He wants me to go. I guess the only way to know His thoughts in me is to build a lasting and strong relationship with Him.

(I still have 1 month's notice to serve urgh. Right now I'm just counting down the days. Can't wait!)

Backed into the corner
You're by yourself now
But from here where you're standing
You can see it all now

updates

I'm officially back. Haven't really had the energy/time to blog :S

Anyway, just came back from choir mission trip to Bangkok. It was a really short trip, like only 4 days. But they were really fulfilling and rewarding days. It was a truly humbling experience, to see the appreciation in the audience's faces, and to truly see God working in them.

Basically we were there to perform "The Promise" musical, which is about Jesus' birth and death on the Cross. We had been practising for a few months, twice weekly. And I admit it wasn't easy to memorize all the songs and dance steps. But it was all worth it, and I would do it all over again. This was an eye-opening experience. Thailand is predominantly Buddhist and Christians are really a minority there. For example, at the Christian University of Thailand that we went to there were only 50 believers out of 6000 students. It was really quite hard for Christianity to thrive there. And it was truly a humbling experience to see the joy in the audience's faces when we performed. The students at the university even crowded around to take pictures with us after our performance!

I was very touched when an old lady told me she couldn't watch our performance at night cuz it was too dark for her to take the bus. It made me realize how blessed I was to be able to worship freely and so easily. I was also very very touched by the hospitality shown to us. The Thais are so warm and friendly! Everyone greets each other with palms together, saying "Sawadee-ka". So polite right. They also prepared really wonderful meals for us. I don't think you can find this level of genuine hospitality anywhere else. So hopefully, through our performance many lives have been blessed and many seeds sown, and God will continue to work in these people's lives :)

So although it was quite tiring (our schedule was really packed), it was all worth it in the end. The food was seriously awesome also. I think I can live on tom yum soup forever haha. Our hotels were quite nice, and I managed to squeeze in 2 hours of shopping at Suan Lum Night Market in Bangkok haha. Oh and I sat on a tuk-tuk for the first time! Exhilirating experience man. Our tuk-tuk got stopped by a policeman who wanted to see the driver's license. Being obviously illegal, the guy tried to bribe the police officer and they even negotiated for a while on the price. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at this. I mean, it's amusing for us tourists but it's quite sad that there's so much corruption here.

As for work, all I can say that this has been a lesson on making decisions. I have learnt much about thinking through all the consequences thoroughly before jumping into anything, and also learnt more about myself. I just hope this decision is correct.

Lord, I need You so much now.

I took his love like it was mine
I squeezed the truth until it lied

So the bumming has ended, and I am now a member of the workforce!

It's been a long journey filled with moments of uncertainty, low self-esteem ("I so lousy meh, how come no one wants to hire me?"), indecisiveness (when the job offers do come, but somehow don't seem good enough), and not to mention days when I was soooo bored just bumming around at home.

So I'm now a Senior Officer (Communications) at JTC. Hahaha sounds so big right. But actually I'm really near the bottom of the food chain. And of course, I'm now a slave to the government. I realize every job comes with its own set of pros and cons; it's just whether they weigh each other out at the end.

I admit that I considered rejecting the offer though haha. But the department head called me and had an hour-long conversation with me to answer whatever concerns I had. I think it's the effort she bothered to put in that really changed my mind, and also cuz she didn't gloss over the ugly sides of the job but shared her honest opinions. Hopefully she'll still be as nice when I start work :S So despite the potential zzz-ness of the jobscope (packaging JTC's happenings to the media, as if industrial estates are very fun things to talk about) and the kns office location, I think there'd be much to learn and benefit in the long term. It's your attitude that makes the diff I guess.

But I definitely do not look forward to travelling 1 hour all the way to the other end of the island everyday. The fact that work starts at 8.30am does not help. I foresee no end to my strong caffeine dependency. But oh well, I guess it could be worse. And now that I'm gainfully employed, I have to stop myself from regretting my decision and thinking about other potential interviews/offers that might come my way. I just have to trust in God, that this is where He wants me to be, and to make the most of it!

Now you do the same and you're right
Things are better in black and white

it commences.

So I have officially graduated. The end of a chapter, and the start of another.

(Note: None of the items I'm holding in the photo belong to me haha.)

This also means I have officially joined the ranks of the unemployed. No more student discounts! NUS even sent a letter to remind students to return their student cards. They congratulate you while making sure you stay firmly grounded in reality, yucks.

Anyway, is it weird to say that I somehow felt the Commencement ceremony wasn't any big deal? Ok la, I must say the gowns added a lot of pomp haha. I think my parents were happier than I was. Or maybe cuz to them it means they can finally stop raising me haha. 1 huge financial burden gone!

The Commencement dinner wasn't as good though. The food and service were bad, and the games were quite lame haha. But ok la, at least they bothered to have a dinner for us! Albeit as an excuse to slot in messages about alumni giving haha.

Ok I shall stop being bitter. I think cuz it's been so long since my last lesson that I've sorta lost the nostalgia haha.

I think I'll really miss my time in NUS. I'll always remember those times in lectures (or skipping them) talking nonsense to each other and discussing what to eat for lunch, the canteen meals (Western, chicken kebab, meepok with alot of chilli even after you said you didn't want any, coffeee!), staying in school till late for projects, writing endless reports, printing notes in the com lab etc. These are the little things that defined my time in Bizad :D

I'm really thankful for Boran, FOC and Rag (despite the hardship) haha. At the end of the day, I guess it's not so much my academic experience that have shaped me but the people and activities outside schoolwork. Without these people, I don't think I would've gotten through my 4 years so memorably or so smoothly :) I hope we stay in touch and as close as ever, even when we're old aunties/uncles! Then we can ask those fresh graduate kids to donate to alumni hoho.

I don't know if it's the same game,
if it's the same game although its the same control

Hello July!

Wow 2 weeks have passed by soo quickly! Europe still feels like a dream though haha. I feel like someone pressed the "Pause" button in my life on 20 May, then pressed the "Play" button on 13 June.

But it's not like I've been doing anything productive, apart from sending in the occasional job application or going for interviews (sadly I'm still very unemployed), since I was back haha. Oh last week we (me and my fellow unemployeds) made carbonara and financiers ("fee-nong-see-yer")! Awesome stuff haha! Oh and I've finished Season 1 of "Glee". I can't believe I've turned into a "Gleek" haha. But actually if you can ignore the shallow and cliched storyline, the songs and talented cast are reallllyy good! It's the kinda show where you can leave your brains at the door and just have fun haha. Now I'm halfway through "The Good Wife", an exciting legal drama. All politics and manipulation, amidst riveting cases hoho. It makes me want to be a lawyer haha.

Aye some upsetting stuff happened too. All I have to say is that I guess I sort of brought it upon myself because it was my decision and my choice, so I have to live with the consequences. Some things just cannot be compromised no matter how easy the alternative seems to be. Of course I have thought about taking the other way, but even if it might have made me happier, I know it will just be for a while and the long term result will not end well. I was fine before this started, and I will be fine (I already am) after. All I have to do is let go of my worries and trust in God's promises for me, cuz He will never shortchange me :)

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " - Jeremiah 29:11

So yeah, this verse has been a great source of comfort.

Anyway, I dunno how time went by so quickly. Next week's the Commencement ceremony already! I dunno why they call it "commencement" though. Cuz I'm commencing on a new phase in life? But anyway it's scary that I'm now supposed to be a working adult. I don't wanna work. But I want a job (and money)! So how?

The closest thing to perfect,
But the farthest thing from me.

Wicked!

Caught the musical "Wicked" in London's West End. Awesome stuff, with a really thought-provoking storyline, talented cast, and wonderful music! It's actually from the story "The Wizard of Oz", but told from the Wicked Witch of the West's perspective and how she's actually not wicked at all, just that her good intentions got twisted to meet other people's agendas. And how sometimes one should not judge others based on their surface appearances. Anyway you can read about it here. I'd watch it again if it ever comes to Singapore.

On another note, I just sobbed through 2 episodes of Grey's Anatomy. Urgh I'm such a weenie. I seldom cry in life, but here I am using up handfuls of tissue (and my shirt) to dry the buckets of tears I'm crying over a SHOW! But oh well, at least it's a nice show haha.

And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free

So I'm back! And already missing Europe :( You'd think 24 days is super long, but it's not. I can't believe I'm back already.

It has been one long trip, and there wasn't anything that I really regretted. The sights were breath-taking, the cultures incredible and the history just awesome. And we've been blessed with many many wonderful friends, even strangers, who helped us a lot. Of course there were bad (albeit very few) moments, but we managed to work through them. Travelling with just one person can seem quite daunting but I'm glad we worked through our disagreements and whatever misunderstandings we had. In fact, I feel blessed that we shared this trip together and couldn't have asked for a better travelling buddy :D

Coming back to reality is hard lor. After a while, I feel that I can just keep travelling from country to country forever. And it feels weird to be alone in my room, when I've had company for the past 24 days (24/7 somemore) haha.

Now it's back to real life and real responsibilities. Shit I don't wanna find a job. And my future is looking very uncertain now, especially after receiving my disappointing results (in Venice).

Anyway shall post my photos soon! Going to counter jet-lag now and try to get some sleep haha.

And I know what I'm doing
Is incredibly wrong
That the music has ended
But the beat just goes on and on

5 countries in 24 days

I'm leaving on a jet plane!

Going to Europe is a stressful affair. Maybe cuz it's just the 2 of us girls. You have to take extra precautions and be extra kiasu about everything. Now I start to really treasure the presence of a guy haha. Guys are less blur, more streetsmart, better at directions and they can help carry bags! Now the 2 of us have to rely only each other :S Talk about blind leading the blind haha.

I pray that we'd be safe from accidents, pickpockets/crime, any mishaps. Even if anything happens, hope we'd get through it unscathed and that things will work out nicely. And also that I'd be able to survive 3 weeks of trekking around Europe with my giant backpack. I foresee I might lose weight on this trip haha. Most importantly, we need to have FUN! I look forward to all the sights and sounds we're gonna experience! :) But not receiving my results haha.

See you all soon! :)

What makes you think I'm enjoying being led to the flood?
We've got another thing coming undone

CP feels like a million years ago.

The presentation is over (albeit not as well as I would've liked) and I'm done crapping my personal reflections and (largely figmented) individual log. All in all, that's about the most crapping I've done in my four years in NUS.

Strangely, I don't feel very exhilirated that I'm all done with school. Maybe it's like what Kaishi said, the whole world has moved on without us while we were still stuck in the CP twilight zone.

Now, planning for Europe has taken over CP's place in my life, and it's quickly burning a massive hole in my pocket :S Gahh. So many things to do! And I'm starting to get a bit worried about the 2 of us travelling. Have to worry about pickpockets, getting lost, having not enough money, random volcanic eruptions, internal conflicts with each other etc.

What a daunting trip haha. But I really pray that everything will turn out well in the end! And we need everyone's prayers too!

Another pressing concern is my unemployed status. Urghh. Finding a job is one of those things which you know you gotta do, but you just don't want to (like everything else). Can I please not move on with my life so quickly?

Sometimes it's really hard to differentiate between what my heart wants, and what God wants for me. How do I tell which is which? If something feels good, does that mean it's right? I'm just afraid of facing up to the consequences of a bad decision. At the same time, I don't want to let go of something good (but again, how do I know?). I think I just really need to trust in God's plan for me.

Sigh, why is it that I still have so many worries after CP??



One by one we give each other away

sunrise

The week of 26 April 2010 shall henceforth officially be annually commemorated as "CP Week", aka the week I gave up my life for CP. Actually I don't think it's just a week, more like the whole month of April.

And now it's finally done, and submitted!! Albeit after countless delays.

So chio hor hahaha :D We decided to go the extra mile and soft-bounded our 300 pages worth of crap. With a shiny cover to boot muahaha. Looks darn professional hor. Hopefully our chio report will get us an A haha.

But printing it was a total nightmare. Everytime we print something, some random errors will surface and we'd have to reprint. I think a whole forest died to support our endeavours. Then we'd have to sort everything out in order. Problems with the printer didn't help. But it was a hilarious sight. 2 girls kneeling in front of each printer, amidst a sea of scattered paper, pleading with them to work properly hahah.

Honestly, I can barely remember what happened during the week. Only hours and hours sitting in Boss' living room writing and writing and writing.. (Theme song no. 1: "Just keep writing, just keep writing..") Then reading and reading and reading. Interspersed with cursing and swearing and crazy conversations with each other/myself. During the past week home became a hotel cuz I was only back to sleep and bathe haha. How sad.

Seriously, CP requires a whole range of skills. Writing, crapping (using cheem words to mask your ignorance and hope that no one will realize that you have no idea what you're saying), making nice charts/diagrams (same reason), formatting (I hate Word.), being a photocopy auntie, and even requires us to be couriers to deliver our report to the prof's house personally (-.-).

I'm just glad I've got a bunch of friends as groupmates for support and entertainment haha.

But it's worth it!! Now on to presentation!! Yucks. It's gonna be tougher to hide our ignorance for this one. Just hope the company directors won't spot any glaring errors :S

Then it's FREEEEDOM!! (and job applications yucks yucks yucks)

Finishing CP is like seeing the sunrise again haha. Ok I'm exaggerating, but I'm just really relieved cuz I can finally move on with life :)

All the very best of us
String ourselves up for love

Apart from the fact that I'm seeing stars, my head is killing me and I'm barely making any sense, I'm just immensely RELIEVED.

33 hours (straight) of work, 3 hours of sleep and we've got 300 pages of report. It's far from over but at least we've got something to hand in haha. I just hope we don't have to do a major overhaul of our report after the prof gives his feedback :S CP is a nightmare. I can barely remember what happened in the past week, except for endless days of facing MS Word with textbooks open around me. I NEED 29 APRIL TO COME SOON. Actually 3 May, cuz we have to do a presentation also *#(*$&(@*#&$

The only good thing was that I'm doing it with friends so it's more bearable :) Especially when we start fantasizing about life without CP, or start comparing it with other painful events in our "would you rather.." game haha. For example:

"Would you rather do rag or do CP?"
"Would you rather kiss XX or do CP?"

As you can tell, on a pain scale of 10, CP ranks like 15 or 20.

Now I've got 2 exams to study for in 2 days urgh. King Lear is back to haunt me.

Oh and I've got like $7.50 worth of library overdue fines to clear yucks.

And I hope the Iceland volcano with the name I can't pronounce will finally stop erupting before May! Or at least erupt after June haha.



You've been hittin' the heartbrakes hard.
It ain't no use, cause we're still gonna crash

waiting for

I'm paying the price for my procrastination. I just hope it's not too big a price to pay.

But curiously, I don't really regret all those time wasted. Or maybe not yet.

23 is a big number that I'm not sure if I can live up to. It means bigger responsibilities and expectations. Yet here I am, wholly content with my underachieving self.

Argh. I hate thisssss. But if I survive this I know I can survive anything.

And I'm waiting for the day
What am I waiting for?

april's fool

I have achieved the pinnacle of slack-titude!

I really need to push myself harder to do things I don't wanna do (hint: starts with "C", ends with "P"). Sigh. But oh man, what have we brought upon ourselves?? This boring BORING project about a company that doesn't really seem to have any issues (or at least any that they want us to know about).

I'm tired from doing nothing. Well, not really nothing if you count driving around the Central-South area of Singapore, getting lost and doing several illegal U-turns haha.

Oh it's April Fool's Day. Or rather, I'm April's fool because I didn't think it'd come so quickly.

I count the steps from where I am
To where I started
I would have let you
I would have let you leave

Why oh why did I decide to take Intro to Lit Studies??

I thought I could translate my love for reading into grades, but I only just realized my love is shallow. What sounds nice and insightful does not mean it's easy to analyse or write about. Like form, rhymes, rhythm?? What talking you??

Like that means like that la, what you want?! How am I supposed to know what the poet is trying to say?

Conversation of the week:

Pauline says:
doing other modules' work makes me feel like im cheating on CP
adelyne. says:
cp is like the neglected wife, while we go around cheating with other modules haha
Pauline says:
HAHA
the other modules are the mistresses
hahahah
adelyne. says:
hahah it's time to go back to our first love!
not really love
but no choice
Pauline says:
haha
forced marriage
adelyne. says:
can divorce after april haha
Pauline says:
hahaha
ya
tsk
adelyne. says:
we're pathetic hahah
Pauline says:
yes

Welcome to my sad sad life. I can't wait for April to be over (even though it's my birthday month) (and March isn't even over yet right)!

You're like an old perfume
That brings back memories
That old, forgotten tune
That I now recall

procrastination, dear old friend of mine

I think giving yourself deadlines for work is like setting New Year resolutions. You never get round to doing them, despite the lofty ideals you had in the first place. Of course, when the REAL deadlines loom nearer, you have no choice but to dig deep and just pia.

But in the meantime, watching shows online/on TV will do.

The story of my life.

I think procrastination should be included in the "Deadly Sins". Or maybe it's under "Slothery" (is that a word? Slothiness? Slothy?). The point is, it is deadly. But I can't control myself!!

And if my heart should somehow stop
I’ll hang on, to the hope
That you’re not too late

After CNY, comes CP. No surprise there haha.

What I really need now is balance in everything, from my responsibilities and obligations to my emotions.

Taking things one step at a time has never been more important. That goes the same for my walk with God.

But I'm grateful for every little accomplishment/crossed hurdle along the way :)



Well, I've been afraid of changing
Cause I've built my life around you

CNY with so many dietary restrictions is not CNY.

I'm at home drowning in self-pity and misery while my family is out having fish head curry :( Not that I can't join them, just that there's no point in looking at people eat food you can't eat.
I hate this.

Hives + cramps + CP = Emo elmo and "Why-is-this-happening-to-me??"

Or it could just be PMS. Rahhh.

Lord, I need Your comfort and peace of mind.

So don't go away,

Say what you say,

Say that you'll stay,

Forever and a day

hive-d

Misery comes in the form of hives.

Don't know what they are? I didn't know till last night, when it turned me into a panicking wreck.

"Urticaria, also known as hives, is an outbreak of swollen, pale red bumps or plaques (wheals) on the skin that appear suddenly -- either as a result of the body's adverse reaction to certain allergens, or for unknown reasons." -WebMD

I can confirm that they're damn gross. And it's true that sometimes no one knows why they come about. They're sneaky and mysterious, like they'd suddenly appear in one area then disappear and re-appear elsewhere. It's making me paranoid cuz I keep checking for new spots haha. I just hope I'd get better before CNY :(

On the good side, it gives rise to funny conversations like this:

adelyne.
now much better, except will still have random patches here and there
no one knows what i'm allergic to haha
and like the patches will come and go, like will suddenly appear in 1 spot then disappear and appear elsehwere
make me paranoid lor, cu zi keep checking for new spots haha
and i think will take a few days to fully recover :(

huajia
)))
i read "cu zi"
i thought you take off your pants every now and then to check for new patches
HAHAHA
i read as ku zi

adelyne.
hahahaha!!!
well i do that too
but you werent supposed to know

huajia
HAHAHHAH
((()))
i help you check?

Well, I'll just treat it as another one of God's freak acts of nature haha.

Heart skipped a beat
And when I caught it you were out of reach
But I'm sure, I'm sure
You've heard if before

Ya and I have time to do bo liao pie charts right.

You're the shit and I'm knee-deep in it

11am, and I've already had 2 cups of coffee. I've got the caffeine shakes!!

It's gonna be a loooong sem :(

Everybody says time heals everything
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
Are we just going to wait it out?

twenty and ten

To celebrate my new blog layout (not that it's very pretty haha), here is my sort-of reflection for 2009/resolution for 2010. I know it's a bit late la, but better late than never right!

2009 has been a relatively peaceful year for me I think. Like nothing phenomenally good/bad happened. I went through the motions in school (with the usual whining and moaning), failed to pull my CAP up to where I would like it to be, chased after kids in Sentosa, went to Vietnam, sent more friends off :(, did PR for a month, and *poof* it's 2010 already.

I've had really stressful moments in 2009, the most recent incident being when I was trying to juggle work, CP, and Brandstorm all at once, all during my holidays when I was supposed to be playing and avoiding stress at all cost. I wanted to cry during that time man. But I'm really glad that God really provided and saw me through December, as well as all the other stressful times throughout the year. Looking back, I can honestly say I had fun. Work wasn't as bad as expected (except when I made mistakes :S). I met some really nice people, and learnt quite a lot :)

Relationships-wise, I've had quite a few misunderstandings with friends. But I can't say that it was all for the better. I guess we all change, and if we drift apart then so be it. If we manage to see past all our differences next time, then good. But for now I'm just happy the real important people are still hanging around in my life haha.

I guess I can say it was a good year. I managed to get through the tough times relatively unscathed, and had fun during the good times :) Does this mean 2010 is gonna be really bad? Like maybe 2009 was a preparation for 2010. I hope not.

Ok, enough of the past (I can't remember much anyway). For 2010:

1) I need to be less judgmental of other people, and the decisions they make. It's ok if we disagree with each other, and others don't think the same way I do. I have to respect their choices, and support them regardless. Well not exactly, especially when I think it's a wrong decision. I guess it's enough to just shut up and stand aside sometimes, instead of constantly forcing your own opinions onto them.

2) It's ok to give and not receive as much as you expect in return. I think everyone knows this, but it's seriously very hard to put into action. Being humans, we expect others to reciprocate with the same amount of effort/time/concern/money we put into them. So we become disappointed and upset when the other party is seemingly oblivious or unappreciative, and we wonder if it's worth it, and just how much is enough to give. We forget that the main purpose of our giving is to show concern for the other person, and not to satisfy our sense of self-gratification. As Christians especially, we've been called to love others as Christ first loved us. It's our duty to love others, even go the extra mile for them, and we don't have the right to demand equal reciprocation from others. But ya, it's really hard to do, and it's something I'm still learning.

3) On the same note, I need to be more forgiving of others. Forgetting is hard, and forgiving is even harder. Sometimes, even after I forget, I still can't properly forgive. I think I just need a bigger heart.

4) I have to cultivate a spirit of dependence on God, instead of trying to rely on my own feeble human ability. I need to continue to turn to Him in both good and bad times. During busy times especially, it's very easy to forget that God is there. When we're so busy going through the motions, we fail to see the clear purpose of why we're doing what we're doing. Then it becomes easy to lose hope and focus. I need to remember to take a step back from life often, and reflect on what I'm doing and whether it is glorifying to God. He hasn't failed me yet, and He definitely won't fail me in the days ahead :)

5) I need to be less dependent on the company of others. It doesn't mean that I'm supposed to be happy being alone, just that I'll be ok when friends leave. The world won't end just cuz I have fewer friends to hang out with (ie. whine and complain to). Friends come and go. I just have to get used to it, and treasure those that are around.

6) As for the perennial question of, "Why am I still single?" I've decided that there's no point worrying over this. It's all up to God's divine timing. If it happens, it happens. Maybe He's decided that I'm not ready yet. But I must admit that it's hard to not worry about this, especially when you're surrounded by couples everywhere. It takes a lot of faith to trust that He is working His hand in all of this, and that He has someone out there for me. I guess the more important thing for me to work at is in being the right girl for the right guy (if and when he comes along).

7) 2010 is probably gonna be tumultous and full of changes, what with me graduating and working (pray I'll find a job :S). I wonder how I'm gonna cope. I wonder if my usual mentality of 'I can get used to anything with time.' will still work. It's the process of getting used to something that is painful I think haha. Then again, once I've gotten over the hurdle, I realized that it was actually just to prepare me for bigger hurdles ahead. "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." So this year, I need to remember this mantra through whatever shit life throws at me. And anyway, back to point (4), with God by my side I can get through anything. I just need to trust in Him, and trust that whatever happens is for a reason and for a greater purpose that I cannot fathom just yet.

And just a sidenote:

6) Sleep early + wake early = good for the body.



Come out to meet me
Run out to meet me
Come into the light

facts

The thought that this semester is gonna be my last in NUS had me thinking about the things that I've come to accept as facts of life during my time there:

1) Bidding life and limb for a module on CORS, only to not get it.

2) Confusing your breadths, GEMs, UEs, REs, SS. Then worrying that you haven't completed enough of them to graduate.

3) Coming back to school on your free days.

4) Coming back to school during term break.

5) Basically, coming back to school ALL THE TIME.

6) Staying till 11pm for project meetings.

7) Buying/selling textbooks on the IVLE forum, and comparing with friends to see who got the better deal.

8) Printing notes in the com lab. Fast, efficient, and cheap. Except when there's a long queue and the person in front of you happens to be printing a book.

9) Skipping lectures. Then cursing the lecturer for not uploading webcasts.

10) The fierce drinks stall auntie who smiles at boys and scowls at the girls. But the coffee is pretty good. And she's running a monopoly.

11) Uncle Edward at the Western stall with his superhuman memory. And his very stressful "Next please!"

12) Surprise! at the fruit juice stall.

13) The kebabs that always run out. I haven't eaten kebab for 3 months!

14) Always complaining that we eat the same stuff in the Biz canteen, but never actually making the effort to walk to other canteens haha.

14) Dangerous shuttle buses, regardless of whether you're a passenger or a pedestrian.

15) Stairs. Endless, countless stairs.

16) The forever crowded CRC.

17) My stagnant CAP. And not in a good way.

18) Student discounts!! :D

So that's my non-exhaustive list. Shall add to it whenever I think of more stuff. The more I type the more I think I will miss NUS :(

Anyway here's to a successful, not so stressful, FUN last sem in school!



Say you'll stay, don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you