2015 has got to be the toughest year I've ever had to go through. But if it had a theme, it would be "family" and "patience".

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I've always thought of death as an abstract concept, something I knew the shape of, but not the weight. But the past year, I've really felt its reality and how heavy it can really be to bear when it touches those around you.

My mum's close brush with cancer was so out-of-the-blue it took all of us by surprise. Suddenly it seemed that all the time we have with her wasn't enough, and the regret of how I could've been a better daughter was suddenly all too stark and painful. It was the darkest 3 weeks of my life, and I've never prayed so hard. And God, in His infinite grace, deemed fit that we should have more time with her. All these little miracles showed me how blessed and loved I really was: randomly assigning my mum the head of department as her surgeon, letting her other organs be blissfully untouched by the monster tumour, and only needing to remove a few centimetres from her intestines when the tumour was 16cm.

Through it all, our family became even closer. I don't think we've cried or hugged so much in those few weeks than in my entire life combined (we're not exactly very tactile people). And the irony of my mum being the pillar of strength even when she was the one going into surgery (I remember crying when they broke the news, and my parents reassuring me that everything was ok when it should be the other way round).

It was a huge wake-up call to not take my family for granted, and I'm still learning this lesson everyday. It's hard to be patient when my mum's being naggy or asking the same questions over and over again. But now I try even harder to listen and to spend time with her, and to see those naggy questions as her way of loving and connecting with me.

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Then came my kong kong's passing. In retrospect, him being as old as he was, we probably knew it was coming sooner or later. The greatest blessing was that he accepted the Lord before he passed, and of course, that he could have such a long and fruitful life. Maybe that's why, even as we grieved, we were not completely broken. I will always remember those days during the wake, when we would reminisce round the table while we ate my kong kong's favourite food. There was laughter mixed in with tears, and that to me, will always be the gold standard of remembering someone.

These episodes have made me appreciate my family for who they are - their ability to be strong for each other, and to find the joy and humour amidst suffering.

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On the personal front, my anxiety is still a struggle that I'm learning to put in the background instead of focusing on it all the time. It'll always be there, but I'm getting better at recognizing it for what it is and minimizing the damage before it has the chance to mutate. But it comes to me in different ways, the greatest of which is my fear of my own mortality. When a slight fever becomes a fear of leukemia and diarrhoea becomes IBS. I'm tired of this paranoia and the unhealthy reliance on the Internet to research symptoms. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss, and I'm really trying to put this into practice to save myself the unnecessary worry and stress.

Speaking of stress, it seems like my internal tension has finally unravelled itself and manifested into gross acne on the outside. As if that wasn't enough to put up with, the side effects of the Accutane are really killing me - the dry lips, and the dry and swollen eyes. I'm really trying to love myself even more in spite of all this. And to tell myself that vanity is fleeting and sometimes the world really doesn't care what you look like (which is true). But ah it's a constant struggle and I bounce back and forth between self-loathing and unbearable self-consciousness, to heck it I love myself the way I am.

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Compared to the above, work seems like a breeze and a welcome distraction. I'm still being challenged everyday, both in my abilities to perform and to manage others. I'm learning to be more patient and kind with others' mistakes and failings, and hopefully be a better teacher and leader. But I've still got a long ways to go yet, although that's not an excuse. I still fail sometimes, like when I don't give others the benefit of doubt and instead immediately zero in on their mistakes, or when I blow up and give in to my anger. It's all a part of development I guess, the ability to learn and be a better person.

On the love front, I've tried putting myself out there but maybe I'm looking for love in all the wrong places, or having the wrong idea of what love looks like. I've always thought I knew what I wanted, but maybe those qualities are really just shallow and are just by-the-ways instead of real priorities. Just as I struggle with my acne, I'm still struggling with the question of whether it's settling if I go with what's in front of me. Maybe it's still there for a reason? Maybe it's time I let go of all my preconceived notions and just step forward and see where this takes me?

And maybe it's really ok and not that bad to be alone, but to stand alongside and be happy for others who have found their own happiness.

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In conclusion, while 2015 was definitely painful, I wouldn't have traded it for the lessons I've gained - to find patience, kindness, joy and love where they may lay because they really are in the little things, if we only deign to look closely and outward of ourselves.

For 2016, my hope is to find patience and to learn to let go. Patience with my family and to be a better daughter and sister, for my acne to go away (because it will pass, like all things) instead of constantly wallowing in self-loathing, to deal with challenges with calm and emotional fortitude instead of immediate paranoid panicking and inadvertently lashing out at others.

To finally stop fretting, and let God lead me where He will take me.

I might be over-thinking or being extremely paranoid, but deep down inside I think I'm just really terrified of commitment.

hashtag: forever alone.

Kinda getting disillusioned with work now.

My portfolio just got a whole lot crappier. And I always feel like I'm forever cleaning up after other people's shit, when it's not even my fault. My objective is to acquire customers, not housekeep. If a promotion (which I'm totally grateful for) means more of this crap, then I'm opting out.

The boss is getting more stressed too, and taking it out on us. Dude, I'm sorry but I can't read your freaking mind.

This whole thing about having to fork out money to get a WORK PHONE (ironic seeing that I work at a PHONE company) is dumb too. Well the alternative is to give up my personal line which I've had for over 10 years, and I refuse to do that.

Conclusion is, I'm starting to see an expiration date to this place.

looking back on 2012, I'd say it's been a great year. 

nothing drastic happened, and the small bumps were smoothed out pretty well.

I guess it could be better described as a year of growth - both at work, and as a person. I wouldn't say I'm a better person, but I definitely learned a lot more about myself.

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Work-wise, the year started quite traumatically. we were barely holding the fort, and were basically running around like rabbits, patching holes here and there as they appeared. I was this close to the end of my tether. even after the team added some much-needed manpower, it was still quite stressful. a lot of things were top-down and we could only react and do as we're told (very begrudgingly). things happened, and we had to clean up the mess, even though sometimes it wasn't even my fault.

but I still had lots to be thankful about - an awesome teammate, boss (as annoying as he can be a lot of times), and colleagues. they've been really supportive, morale-boosters; people I can whine to, count on for help, and most importantly, let loose and be crazy with. they just make work fun. and honestly, such an environment is really really hard to come by. 

they've taught me to be appreciative, patient, objective (which is difficult cuz we're so close personally), and to be kind to others outside of my circle. cuz sometimes, that's all you really need to get things done quickly in your favour. in the coming year, I hope to be able to expand on all those attributes, especially in the most trying of times. it's easy to lose it and really give it to people cuz they deserve it, and it's in those times that I really need to apply God's grace and love. I've learnt that when you show kindness, it gets paid forward and in ways and times when you need it the most. 

in terms of work performance, I hope to also continue learning and applying. I'm thankful for this forgiving environment, where it's ok to make mistakes. this year, I can't say I'm the new girl anymore and in a sense there's less room for errors. so it's time to be more conscientious, hardworking, and motivated. I'm still trying to find out how to stay motivated, especially when I'm doing something difficult, or when I'm not interested. so that's the challenge for this year - to be enthusiastic and work hard!

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outside of work, my second trip to Europe was an absolute blast. I had the best time just hanging out at Paris on my own. it showed me that I can be ok and still have fun by myself. or maybe that's not such a good thing, cuz now I don't know how I'm gonna manage if I get a boyfriend haha.

I've also started realizing that dang, I'm getting really old. my friends are getting married off, one by one. so I'm thankful for all the other single friends that I have and can still hang out with. and I still haven't felt the urgency to be attached. in 2013, I'm just gonna continue to be comfortable in my own skin, have fun with friends, and keep all my options open. if he arrives, then he does. I ain't in any rush.

this year should also be the time to be more thankful for my family, and to show it. my grandparents might go anytime soon so it's all the more crucial for me to spend time with them. my parents also deserve a kinder, more loving version of myself, even when they're doing that nagging thing.

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in short, I just hope to keep it HAPPY and new all year!

has it happened yet?

Has it happened yet?
I am readying myself for a change
Has it happened yet?
I am trying to start again

‘tis the season to celebrate making it through another year. and while we might not have come out fully unscathed, we’re completely wiser and stronger for it. this song by Rachael Yamagata - always my favourite go-to singer/songwriter for every season - really embodies the regret/hope about the future and its changes. sure, there’s lots to lament about breaking away from the old, as well as that fear of the past repeating itself, but there’s also a lot more to look forward to if we can just put our hearts into it.

like she so reassuringly croons, '..No matter how you wish it, nothing will ever be the same.'

sometimes, maybe that’s a good thing. 

I think I've said this before, but I really wanna say it again.

What is the deal with drinking to get drunk?

I love my beer and cocktails, cuz:
- It's a social activity
- It gives me that little bit of courage to dance like a goof

But to drink and get drunk? Yucks.

I've seen what people do when that happens and it's disgusting. For once I'm glad that when I'm really drunk, I pass out instead of embarrassing myself. For example, here's a snapshot of what happened last night:
- girls throwing themselves at older men (aka managers at work)
- one was even trying to undress them (omg, omg, omg)
- and the guys were obviously enjoying the attention

It was such a major turnoff. Especially coming from my manager who claims that he was just 'taking care of the drunk girls'. This coming from the same guy who told me that we should behave in a Christ-like manner at work. I'm not in any position to judge or be all holier-than-thou, but really, you can just take your ideals and piss off.

Urgh.

I understand the nature of the industry (it being retail and all) demands that I have to answer my phone on weekends. I'm fine with that.

But if it's something that can be left to the weekday, please be more considerate and not bother me with it on my rest days. I hate being distracted when I'm supposed to be focused on enjoying (rare) time with my friends.

If I don't provide the adequate reply, does it mean I'm any less committed or passionate about my job? I hope not, because my job is not my life.

I wanna take back my weekends. And I really wanna throw the Blackberry away.