zennn

I'm pissed now. But I must move on. Practise zen...

"Ommmmmm....."

It'snotworthit.It'snotworthit.It'snotworthit.

It's at times like these that I really treasure my 老朋友 :) Even if you can't trust anyone around you, you know they're still there haha.

Yippeee. 吃的很饱，很爽! Woohoo.

Haven't you wondered
Why I'm always alone
When you're in my dreams

foundation

I never thought things will be more complicated in university. In fact, it's starting to look like a secondary school/JC-esque war zone. Maybe cuz we overcomplicate matters by our own doing.

Oh well. At least I've learnt something from this: there's no point in anger, and it doesn't resolve anything. It took me quite a while to realise this though. Oh and that goes the same for grudges. Sometimes I wished girls can be more like guys, as in slightly more able to forgive and forget.

I'm reminded about the verse in Ephesians, something about not letting the sun go down on you while you're angry, cuz it'll let the devil gain a foothold in your heart. Something like that, I can't remember exactly haha. It's true isn't it? You tend to do really stupid things when you're mad (and I can bear testament to that haha). Things that only end up hurting those around you, and instead of getting what you set out for in the beginning, you only distant yourself from others.

Sometimes I can't really separate the good from the bad.

I need to "renew my mind" and be more Christ-like. And stop acting like a hypocrite.

My fingertips are holding onto
The cracks in our foundation
And I know that I should let go, but I can't

i know in whom i have believed

"Record my lament;
list my tears on your scroll -
are they not in your record?"
- Psalms 56:8

"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
- Psalms 73:26

Indeed, I know in whom I have believed, and He will never let me down. The world may disappoint but at least I know there is one constant in my life, who will never ever abandon me. He'll see me through every sorrow and every joy. For this I rejoice in His name :)

Anyway, WWF outing on Fri was fun!! It's like old times again haha. I can't wait to meet everyone again!! Now we're all waiting for Jamie to upload the photos haha.

But shucks, the weekend's over :( Damn. I really don't wanna go to school. And I don't understand how something so simple can become so far-fetched. It's almost like making a mountain out of a molehill. I guess I can't, and never will, understand some people. I'm glad I have other more predictable people around me.

pro-active

I'm tired, but I'm restless. And I think I've been sleeping way too much for my own good. So why do I still feel so lethargic?

Hmmm, so I finally got my Biz Comm module, after calling the CELC woman like 4 or 5 times. She thought I was urgent so she decided to give a slot to me haha. Thank God :) I think it's at times when you finally decide to leave it all up to Him, rather than continually rely on yourself, that things will change for the better. You'd think it'll be easy to just give in to His will, but most times, our pride stops us from doing so. We like to think we're strong and capable enough to solve our own problems, and ultimately forget who's the potter and who's the clay.

But then again, I realise I should be more pro-active in solving my problems, rather than sit around and whine and complain all day long. I should learn to help myself a bit more next time.

Ok, now that school has started, it's back to the good old days of tutorials, tutorials and more tutorials, with dreadful mid-term tests in between. Oh and lectures. Sigh. I have forgotten how to be a mugger. Not that I was ever one in the first place haha.

I'm starting to miss my sec school and jc buddies though. Haven't seen them for such a loong time. We have to meet up!! If everyone's not too busy, that is.

But there you go for the last time
I finally know now what I should have known then
And I could still be ruthless if you let me

phone snaps part 1

Here are some phone snaps from the past few months, especially during rag :)

FOC. Disturbing Shikun and his SP hahaha.

Kaishi and me, at Timbre!
Timbre (the stage)

Lorry rides.

Moving house, literally.

The audi. Upside down.

Business school at 7am in the morning.

No, we haven't slept.

The view everyday.

Our float at the Padang!

The Padang. Looks like a picnic right? Except that the canvasses on the ground are for sleeping haha.

Our float after the win!
Night time view of old Parliament House.

O sex goddess, please give us good figures like yours.

Back wall part 2.
Back wall part 1.

Back at Business after the big day.

Ready for dismantling :(

Oh well, that's all I have for now. The other photos are all over the place with different people haha. Shall post the link someday else.

wait

This waiting is killing me. It's so stupid. I'm actually waiting to see if my appeal for my modules gets through. And so far I've only got 1. 1!! WTF am I supposed to do with just 3 modules this sem?!

I need to get all 3 modules I've appealed for! Not just 1?! I'm going for SEP, so how do you expect me to finish as many of my core modules in time if I only have 3 modules, out of which only 2 are core?? Rawr!!

I'm ready to kill someone right now, and a million expletives are running through my head. The tension and suspense are becoming too much for me. I feel even worse than what I feel before I look at my results. Has the school administration ever considered the feelings of people like me, before they go about setting up such a stupid system?? Or before they go about allocating only 4 (1 more just came in, whoopdedoo) modules to people?

And so school has finally started. I wonder where my 3 months of holidays went to... They seemed to have passed by in a blur. And you'd think 3 months is a very long time. Now I know it's definitely not haha.

Probably cuz I spent half of my hols in school. So that when I went to school on Mon, I didn't feel the unfamiliarity of stepping back into the place. Instead it felt just like any other day, cuz I still see the same faces I've been seeing 24/7 for the past month haha.

But of course you can't help but feel that things have changed with some people. You're no longer sitting beside the same people you sat with last semester. New friendships have been formed, older friendships have been strengthened and some other friendships have been abandoned. I'm happy about having new people to sit next to, but I still feel a sense of loss over those that have been left out in the cold. I wonder if they ever predicted 3 months ago, that they'd be sitting outside the fray. That the mistakes they'd make will have such severe consequences.

In a sense, I guess humans being humans are hard to forgive and even harder to forget. I think sometimes our self-righteousness gets in the way of our ability to empathise with others. We think that because we can deal with situations better than them we have the right to judge them and we put ourselves on a higher pedestal than them. It's not fair I know, but I'm guilty of that sometimes haha. At least I've learnt quite a few things during this hols. Things like what to say and what not to say in front of certain people.

Oh well. I'm just sad that things have to turn out this way. In a way, it's just like being back in secondary school. But then again, things weren't so complicated then. The good thing from all this is that at least I know who are the ones whom I can really trust :)

And speaking about school, I'm NOT prepared!! I think I'm currently still in lala mode haha. It must be cuz after associating school with FOC and rag for 2 months, I'm finding it hard to associate it with an academic institution haha. Like what it's supposed to be.

And I just got a haircut, and now I look damn kok. Sigh.

Update: Omg I'm damn pissed and frustrated right now. FFFFFF. I went to school for absolutely nothing! I hate CORS, and the damn bidding system that got me into this freaking mess. I never thought there'd be a day where I'll be so desperate to study something. I'm practically begging for my modules. ARGH. Shit. It's so unfair.

Oh, if you only knew.
If I could I'll take you with me but I'm here and you're there.

THE CHANCELLOR'S SHIELD

WE WON THE CHANCELLOR'S SHIELD!!

Muahahaha!! I have alot of things to say right now, so where shall I start? Ok, let me first repeat, that we, Bizad, have once again clinched the Chancellor's Shield for the 18th year running! Beat that, Science!!

Anyway the past week has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride. Full of highs and lows, and perhaps more of the latter. At least the BIG high yesterday managed to make all the lows worth it haha. Actually I can't really remember much, except for yesterday haha.

Hmmm ok, so after reluctantly going back to school on Mon, we had the dreaded Flag Day on Tues. I went to Parkway, my hometown haha! We had to wake up at 4.30am, so I officially slept only 2 hours the day before. How to do flag like that I ask you?! But anyway, me and Boss went with 2 freshies and we reached there around 6am to book the place. But I think it was quite pointless to go so early cuz in the end Parkway was still flooded with other tin-toting NUS students, especially those people from Science. They suck la! Walao, purposely stand in front of me and steal my business!! And they specially wore yellow bands that said, "必胜" cuz they want to win us -.- For Science, they've openly made it clear that Bizad's their enemy and their goal in life is to win the Chancellor's Shield. It's so stupid. They send hundreds of flaggers, do part-time work, and divert their club funds to flag, all this just to beat us. And they wear those stupid bands. Don't they know that flag is for charity? To the public, anyway. So they're just sending out the wrong message to donors.

Anyway, I can say that doing flag definitely brings you much closer to your death haha. Especially if you do it from 7am to 6.30pm, with only a 1 hour break. My legs, arms and back were breaking man. I had to resort to squatting by the side of my spot to rest. This year was especially bad cuz for some reason, many more NUS students discovered Parkway and I had a very hard time trying to get donations. But oh well, we did what we could and each of us got an average of 2 tins filled.

The next few days after flag day were spent chionging our float, cuz it was still mainly half-done. So I slept an average of 2 hours the 2 days before rag day, which was Sat. It was so bad that I could sleep anywhere. We had to stop work on Fri, when the validators came. The 1 hour before deadline was the craziest hour of my life can. I was running around trying to finish the 3 panels for the lorry head, especially when the measurements were wrong. If not for Kaishi and some freshies who were helping me, I think would've just broke down and cried haha. Anyway, 2 students from another faculty acted as validators to make sure nobody touched the float after the deadline, and that our float didn't violate any rules. But walao, our validators were extremely ngiao can!! They picked on every little thing, and we lost quite a lot of demerit points, though some of it was our fault, like the people who touched the float. So our morale was quite low haha.

So after 15 mins of sleep, we went to Padang for Rag Day! And we saw the other floats made by the halls and other faculties. They had extremely amazing stuff man. Especially the halls, cuz competition among them is crazy. Anyway, we had 2 touchup times before our presentation, where 10 people could stand inside the box where your float is in to touch up. It's crazy lor, cuz you had to make sure only 10 are inside, and that an unauthorised person's hand or foot doesn't stick inside the designated lines when he/she is passing someone inside something. And so, I was basically chionging those 3 damn panels again. We spent the rest of our time sleeping on the grass at Padang haha. Pre-judging was scary too, cuz our presenter forgot alot of her lines, and the judges looked damn stern. So our morale fell a little bit more after that too.

And finally, it's presentation time! Stress sia. I personally felt that our presenters weren't ready, and especially after the fiasco over the costumes. But the presentation was over really soon, too soon in fact. Imagine, you work so hard for 2 months just for this 10 mins of your life. Anyway, we had a look at the other faculties' presentations and our morale just fell all the way to the ground haha. Their floats move, and the dances involved lots of throwing of people and what-not. Compared to them, ours was just blah. So we were just prepared to lose and everyone was really sad and down.

The prize presentation was really really very emotional. All of us were huddled together in a circle, hugging each other, ready to support each other in case our name wasn't called. I think I was this close to breaking down from all the expectation and dread. Science actually won quite a few of the shields, especially the rag shields. I think they got best presentation, and most creative. Which I think they really deserved, cuz their float was honestly quite impressive. They got best coin collection for flag also. Then they announced that Bizad won for best per capita collection (which means most collection per person) and overall largest collection for flag so all of us were really excited, cuz it means we have a fighting chance of winning the Chancellor's Shield since flag makes up for 60% of the shield. At the long-awaited moment when they were announcing the winner for the Chancellor's shield, I can say that it's truly one of the most tense moments of my life. All the hopes, efforts, tears, frustration, sleepless nights, and shit we went through for the past 2 months rested on the emcees' announcement. Then they said, "Busine.." and everyone just exploded even before they could finish announcing haha. And I just broke down into tears haha. Beside me, Kaishi and Juli were actually sobbing hahaha. There was much frantic hugging and lotsa lotsa tears hah. WE ACTUALLY WON AGAIN!!

Although we didn't win any rag shield, at least we won the big ass shield. And all I can say to Science is, too bad!! Actually I feel quite sorry for them too. After doing so much just to win us, we beat them again wahahha. And we didn't help them achieve their purpose in life haha. But I think the main reason why we're so elated over winning is cuz we didn't wanna let down our seniors, after they won the shield for so many years. We didn't wanna be the ones who lose it haha.

And now, looking back at all the shit I went through during rag, I can proudly say that it was all worth it. The friendships I've made, the things I've seen and experienced, the things I've learnt, they're definitely worth more than the glory and honour that comes with the shield :) I'll really treasure this experience, especially the friends. All the gossiping, jokes, complaints, craziness, and even the tension hahah. Rag Comm '07 RAWKS!!! I honestly dunno what I would've done without you guys :)

Anywya, on another not-so-happy note, school starts tmr! RAHHH. Shit. I'm very unprepared. I'm still tired and aching after rag, and I haven't cleared my notes and stuff from last sem haha. Plus I only have 2 pathetic modules after CORS screwed me again. Sigh. I hope for this sem to be better than the last, and that I'd have fun! Oh and that I'd be more hardworking of course haha.

novena

I'm probably gonna die very badly once someone from rag sees this post. But anyway, I'm here at Novena Square, sitting alone in Burger King with my laptop. I've already done what I have to do, so I don't really have any reason to be here. But yeah, I'm running away from rag.

I don't wanna go back and see gloomy and stressed faces. Ok well, rag is coming, and we haven't finished. But still... I place my sanity of higher importance than anything else, as selfish as it may sound. Everytime I go back, I end up falling into depression. I think it's the general atmosphere. Or maybe it's the starch. I realise that it may not necessarily be a good thing to know someone better. Sometimes what you see on the surface is probably better than what's underneath. It's sad, but the closer I get to certain people and the more I see the other sides of their personality, the more I realise I can't get along with them and just wanna get as far as away from them as possible. I know that as a friend you're supposed to accept your friend's flaws but I can't go on if these things keep cropping up every day. I can't be there for you and you and you all the time.

And to add to my troubles, I still have yet to settle my SEP stuff. The office gave me another 2 days to do my things, which I'm really grateful for. But tmr is freaking flag day, so 1 day is gone already.

I think I've said it before, but I can't believe I gave up 2 months of my hols for school. I'm starting to wonder if it was worth it. I could've gone to work and at least earn myself some money instead of having to scrounge for any available cash, and still have to spend my own money for meals at rag.

I feel like I'm trying to salvage whatever I can of my hols. I've always wanted to wander around unfamiliar places, and sit somewhere by myself. I guess I like being alone sometimes haha. And so far I'm having fun where I am. I think this has done wonders for my mood, which was previously very bad. And I don't wanna go back lalala.

I can't decide if I'm happy or sad.

And I wished no one knew of the existence of this blog.

Pfft it's 3pm already. Guess I have to go back soon sighhhh. All I wanna do is sleep. Or stay here. Anything that doesn't have to do with rag.

Are we all the same behind the frame
Beneath the glass and fake last names?

A brief update. Brief cuz I'm dead tired now.

1. We're seriously lagging behind in rag. Despite staying up till 7am on Thurs to work, we still have lots left undone. About 1/4 of the structures are still covered in white paper, instead of coloured paper. We have to finish the work by the night of 10 Aug, before the lorry starts moving off to the Padang. For some reason, the lorries are only allowed to move at a speed of 15km/h so we need approximately 6 hours to get there from NUS hahaha. But I'm proud to say we're lagging because we have alot of intricacies to do, the most in Bizad rag history I think haha. Shall post pictures next time.

2. I'm seriously lagging behind in my SEP application. Crap I only saw the email informing me to submit my application documents by next Mon, on FRI!! Rag is taking over my life, so much so that I have no time and energy for anything else. So basically I'm in panic mode now, trying to settle all this shit. And I'm not even sure how to fill in some of the forms, like the Course Selection thing, cuz I don't know what modules are compatible with those in NUS. Plus there are a million things to do, like going to the bank to get some certification of finances shit and do some TB test, which I did today after rushing down to Tan Tock Seng in the morning.

3. I have conjunctivitis, AGAIN!! Seriously, what is WRONG with my eye?? I think this time I got the infection from Pauline, who coincidentally (maybe not), has an infection in both her eyes haha. But at least my eye is better now, after I went to see the doc today.

4. Next week is gonna be crazy. I have to do flag on Tues, 7 Aug, from 6am-9pm. Flag is one of the most dreaded things in my life man. I have to stand for hours on end, and tolerate the attitudes of Singaporeans, and yet be able to fill up my collection cans in time. At least it's all for charity. So please do donate when you meet a pathetic bunch of students wearing an ugly shirt and carrying metal cans on Tues. Oh donate to those wearing red bands cuz they're from Bizad haha. Then Rag Day's on Sat, 11 Aug, at the Padang. Watch out for us! But anyway they estimated that rag will end at 12am, and we'd have to stay behind to clear up.

5. It's freaking bidding season again. And guess what? I got 1 module again!! RAWRRRR. What the hell is wrong?! I think I'm destined to be screwed by CORS forever. It's a vicious cycle. They bankrupted my account in Sem 1 cuz of my appeals, and now I'm forever left with far fewer points than the other people, who are disgusting and vicious bidders who spoil the market all the time. I hope I can get the rest of my modules during the other rounds next week, and by appeal. And I really hope I can get the same Biz Comm slot as the rest of them. I don't wanna do the projects with some strangers!

6. School is starting soon! I don't know if I should be happy that it's a new beginning, or sad that my 3 month long hols are ending. Hmmm, don't think I accomplished much this hols, except work my ass off for school. Like FOC and rag. Oh at least I've started my driving lessons haha.

Ok, I think that's all for now. Going to sleep soon before I fall asleep during sermon tmr haha.

I can't find a wall to pin this to,
They're all coming down since I've found you.