Bro, to me before he left: "Take care of Mummy and Papa ok. Don't quarrel with them."

In moments like these, I feel like the younger sibling. There I am, worrying about him being overseas and instead he worries about others. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve a brother as selfless as him.

It takes someone close leaving before you realize just how much you've taken them for granted, and how much you actually treasure them. You wanna take back those moments when you snapped at them for no reason other than that you had a bad day and they happened to be in the way, or when you gave them clipped answers just cuz you couldn't be bothered to explain in detail.

But of course there were good times too. Like how my bro is always the one I sit next to at family dinners so we could talk crap to each other. Or how he always makes me laugh and makes my lousy day a teeny bit better just by saying something stupid or by hearing his nonsensical opera singing from the bathroom.

It's times like these that I feel like the unworthy and rotten hypocrite that I am. When someone I always nag at for not going to church is actually so much more of a nicer and bigger person than I am. My bro's always the one who thinks of others before himself, who willingly offered his laptop for loan to me last year, who actually went and bought a portable dvd player for my grandma when she was in hospital and does jigsaw puzzles with her. And all I've been doing is being a grouch and complaining when I'm asked to do something inconvenient.

Another example - Bro to mum: "Don't always scold Jiejie (Sis) ok. Don't quarrel with her."

As you can tell, our sibling relationship is a little skewed. Somehow he's the one I should be learning from. And now that he's away, I feel like I have to take up the responsibility that was always mine but that I never cared for.

Which begs the question: How am I supposed to be the light of the world when I am such a harbinger of doom and gloom even at home? As a Christian, I've basically failed.

I guess now is the time for reflection, and for stepping up. I need to try harder at spending time and helping out with my family, even if it means wanting to shoot myself sometimes when my mum makes me repeatedly go through the steps for installing an iPhone app. And also to try harder to rein in my bad temper and general stupid tendency to be self-absorbed and self-centred.

In the meantime, I hope my bro is having the time of his life in NYC (!!) and that he'll come back soon cuz our house is getting way too quiet.

Hypocrite, reader

My double, my brother