right in the middle

I like to read happy blogs. Cuz they make me happy :) But then I'd feel miserable over my life, so that's not good :( Blah, random shit.

Rag has been tiring so far. Although we haven't been waking up early on schedule. And the most physically demanding thing I've done so far is to stir starch with a stick. Sigh. But it's been fulfilling. Especially when you're working with a great bunch of friends haha. And I get to cultivate healthy habits like sleeping and waking up early. But I still don't like to pay for my food haha.

Anyway I really hate it when a person manipulates situations so that things will go his way. It's disgusting. Especially when it comes to someone you like. I can understand that you're doing this cuz you really want that person to feel the same way for you, but don't you think it's so fake and desperate of you to twist circumstances like this? And imagine how the person will feel when she finds out what's going on behind the scenes. I'd feel disgusted and turned off. That the person chasing me is actually such a manipulative character. In a way, it's like he's putting everything on a show and lying to me like I'm a 3 year old kid.

If I like someone, I'd want to get to know him first, to confirm how I feel. And of cuz to let him get to know me better. No doubt I'd show him my good side (who wouldn't want to get into the good shoes of the person you like), but I'd never go to such extremes as to put up a grand show to make him think of me as someone he'll like. Even if we manage to get together in the end, the real side of me will eventually come out and if he doesn't like it, then what's the point of everything?

I want someone who knows me and likes me for who I am, even when I'm at my most unglam and uncouth moments. And he must also be someone I'm comfortable being around. Sad to say, there're not many pple with whom I can truly be myself when I'm around them. And sadly, I still don't know what it's like to like someone with all your heart and mind, such that every pore of you yearns for him. And feels empty when he's not around. I don't think I'll ever reach that stage though. I don't like to rely on others, especially guys haha. I don't need someone to hold control over my emotions.

I'm the inside of "I don’t care",
Right in the middle, I’m right in the middle

if anything

Just heard the news of Andrew's passing today. Quite shocking. In fact I'm still finding it hard to take in the news even now. One moment he's there, and the next he's gone. Goes to show how fragile and unpredictable life is.

It's probably too late to say this now, but I regret not spending more time with him. We weren't that close, but he's still a friend I guess. From the limited time we spent together, he proved to be a really good listener, and nice person to talk to also. He was also the first and only person to send me home right to my doorstep, even though he was taking bus. And he remembered my birthday even though at that time, we didn't know each other that well.

It's stupid to say all this now, when he's gone. And this blog post is probably just another pathetic tribute to his memory. Words really can't describe what a great guy he was. Oh well, I guess we gotta treasure our lives and those around us while we can.

And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

we mean business

OH man, I'm still tired from FOC. 4 days of non-stop work and sai kang. It was extremely exhausting but I can say that I'm very proud of the MC :D We managed to pull it off and gave the freshies an experience they'll (hopefully) never forget! All this despite the odds against us, like lack of experience, a small budget, and a lousy head among other things. Although there were times when many of us felt like giving up, or when disagreements and conflicts arose among the committee members, I'm glad we stuck through everything and worked it all out. Oh well, too lazy to describe everything in detail so here's a summary:

1) I slept a total of 8 hours in the 4 days of camp. The first night was exceptionally bad, cuz we only managed to put in 10 mins of sleep only.

2) We were so tired that on the 2nd day, 10 of us station masters resorted to sleeping on a sheet of canvas on the beach at Sentosa while waiting for the rest of the camp to arrive.

3) I'm sunburnt now. And there're 2 pimples on my nose pfft. And my neck is peeling really bad.

4) Founded the Dimbo club with Terry, Kaiyi, Grace, Xiaoshan and Juli wahhaha! The no looks, no figure, no brains club. Exclusive membership only.

5) Made alot of new friends among the MC and OGLs. Really happy that I got to know many people outside my usual circle of friends :)

6) The freshies were generally ok, but there were some who blatantly refused to follow instructions. And a few with no common sense, like going to Zouk while the program was going on at DXO and refusing to come back. It can get frustrating dealing with these pple. But otherwise, the rest of the freshies were fun and very 'on'.

7) There are alot of pretty girls among the freshies. Too bad we had very few guys. But there was one cute guy, the Kian Seng look-alike hahaha!

8) Camp was very busy. To the extent that I didn't have time to think about anything else. Any spare time we had was spent catching up on sleep.

9) The FOC exco rawks! Kudos to Sherry, Ritchie and Danielle for keeping it together and doing literally everything. You guys deserve the most credit. Programmes Comm also, for planning everything although some things weren't really part of your job scope.

10) I've learnt that a good head is very important. One who has initiative, commitment and responsibility. And of course enough charisma to command respect from his committee and the freshies. We were fortunate that our committee was strong enough to hold the camp together, even without a strong head.

11) I felt proud doing the Bizad cheer fight. Even though most of the freshies probably didn't understand what we were cheering about. And although we ourselves didn't really take it seriously while we were practising, when it came down to doing the real thing, somehow all of us understood the importance of keeping the Bizad tradition and kept our tone solemn and serious. I even felt like going down to slap the freshies who were sniggering at us. Although most of the lyrics sound really ridiculous ("Sing ayam sing") I guess it all boils down to the keeping of a decades-old tradition.

12) Boss really suffered because of the MC immunity thing wahaha. I made the Odin guys sing and dance around her, and Juli made some other og guys gyrate their hips around her hahaha! Oh and we made Crusades throw her in the pool. Rawks la. At least our forfeits were creative, and not the same old dunkings.

13) FOC 2007. 196: We Mean Business

Ooh, on another note, I had my first driving lesson today! Damn fun wahaha! But I still can't brake properly without jerking or stalling the car haha. Hopefully my future lessons will be good :) And my dear brother got into OCS! Very happy for him. Ok, shall go sleep now. I think I need to sleep until Wed to fully recover. Which reminds me, rag starts on next week. Oh man, the start of a month-long papier mache campaign spent in school.

We bring ourselves down
And build ourselves up in disappointment
How fragile we are
So fragile we are, we just don't show it

I dunno why, but I suddenly don't feel like going for FOC. No, it's not that I think it's gonna be a mess. I know we're gonna pull it off. I just... don't feel like moving? And I don't really look forward to running around camp doing all sorts of things. Just thinking about it makes me feel tired. And I haven't recovered from my flu and cough. In fact, I think my condition worsened after yesterday. Thank goodness I'm station master for 2 days, then I can just be stationary ('station' master, master of the stationary, hahah lame) where I am.

Then tomorrow the mc members might have to stay over in school to dunno do what. And we have to sleep in the HSS Audi :((( This is like rag preview. HOw to get enough sleep like that?? I'd probably be a walking zombie on Fri.

Ok shall stop complaining. Must look on the positive side of things!! FOC is gonna be fun! Hope I can get to know the other mc members better also. We are gonna make FOC rawk!

And I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well

"concern"

Why are we letting a perfectly well friendship go to pieces over a small misunderstanding? Ok maybe it wasn't small, more like years of accumulated misunderstandings. I realise humans are hard to forgive. You make a mistake and others will always use that mistake as a means to judge you. They might say you're forgiven, but it's all lip service. Of course you're never really forgiven. Others will always be wary of you, always watching and waiting for you to make the same mistake.

Anyway, is friendship based on common topics to talk about? And when there isn't anything in common left between each other, does this friendship go stale? Sure, you become friends because of something you have in common, like being in the same class, but surely you don't drift apart just cuz you're in different places?

If friendship is based on just having something in common, and not care and concern for each other, then it really isn't worth keeping. And don't say things like, "it's her fault that she's like that". It does take two hands to clap, so the blame can't all lie with the other party. Maybe sometimes we should examine ourselves first before putting all the blame on others. True friends accept you for who you are, but not when who you are is constantly jarring on their nerves. You don't have to change, you just have to learn to rein in that aspect of your character when you're around people who cannot stand it. Cuz honestly, sometimes even I get sick of it.

And yes I do believe in genuine concern. Heck, I've seen it. Maybe you don't know, cuz you haven't shown it to others. The world isn't as realistic as you make it out to be.

Ok I think I'm being increasingly direct with each sentence I type but I need to talk about this before I explode. I hate, no, I loathe it, when people like to ask for my results for comparisons sake. Don't give me nonsense like being concerned and stuff. Cuz if you are, I can tell. And believe me, you are nowhere near being concerned.

I can't believe I'm doing this tit-for-tat shit. It's childish.

And damn, I have freaking conjunctivitis in my right eye. And a flu. And a cough. Kns. I better recover before camp!! I can't wait for it to be over man.

we're all in the dance

I wonder what friends are really for. Haha yes I'm fine, and I love my friends very much. Just thinking about some random things.

You know, I suspect we have friends cuz of our own selfish desires for company. For a need to feel that we belong, and because we all need someone to listen to our gripes and complaints, to provide advice and help, and of course to share our joy. So we expect our friends to be near-perfect beings to suit our behavioural standards. Like she musn't be too clingy, she must give good advice, she must be able to take all my nonsense blah blah... So we expect others to change for us. We act all high and mighty, and say "it's all for your own good". But is it? Or is it for our own good? Sometimes maybe the problem isn't with them, but with ourselves. We take and take, but we don't give enough in return. Even if we give, how much of it is truly genuine?

And I hate it when I offer help but get shot down instead. If it's like that, I'd rather not help at all. I'm not that self-sacrificing. And sometimes, really, I don't wanna listen to your problems at all. I'm tired of providing advice that I'm not even sure is useful to you. But that's just sometimes. Most times I'm here to help :)

Anyway this thing in June is really demoralising. I don't want us to turn out to be severely lacking in many areas (like now). We have enormous shoes to fill and I don't want things to look like a farce. Maybe it's not going to be as fulfilling as I thought. RAHH. I can't wait for all this to be over. I hope things will change for the better soon.

We all go round and round
Partners are lost and found
Looking for one more chance
All I know is, we’re all in the dance

cozy and cold

So yesterday we had the Sentosa dry run thingy. It was boring, sad to say haha. Maybe cuz I didn't know a few of the pple there. I think even though bizad is relatively small, there're still many faces I haven't seen before. Or maybe I've just been cooped up in my own little world all this while haha.

Oh and at night we went to the Old Changi Hospital to try out the routes we've set out for camp. Ok I dunno if it's supposed to be a secret so maybe I shouldn't be talking about it here haha. Anyway yeah it was quite eerie and scary. Not to mention dangerous, because the whole place is practically falling apart, with pieces of shattered glass and concrete everywhere. But we went in a big group so it wasn't that bad. I think it's scary cuz pple make it out to be scary, and not because it's really "haunted". Oh well, what do I know. It's not like I'm gonna go and try out my theory anytime soon haha.

We travelled around in lorry also, so we were like a big group of banglas haha. But it was quite fun la, to feel the wind in your hair and everything. Except when it braked suddenly and everyone goes toppling over one another, and when the lorry would stall without warning in the middle of the road haha.

Shit I just received my results by post. I feel like giving it to my dog to eat. Pfft.

Sweetheart, bitter heart,
Now I can't tell you apart.
Cozy and cold,
Put the horse before the cart.