skip school, start fights

This is exactly what I feel like doing now.

I feel so restless and purpose-less. Ok well, I have school stuff to do. But I'm just so tired of work.

And all my friends are like slowly trickling out of the country, a few at a time. It's super depressing. 2010 is gonna be a sad year. I think I'm probably gonna be the only youth left in church :(

I need to escape too, ie. jump off a cliff. Or go for a long drive, except that I might die along the way haha. I hereby conclude that I'm a bad (and reckless) driver. Either that, or I'm just incredibly lucky after getting into a few narrow scrapes.

Anyway, I wanna run away from school. Yeah, skip school, start fights!

Sigh. I need to go back to my readings.

And I am nothing of a builder
But here I dreamt I was an architect

all mine

Today I did this survey to fulfill my 'Intro to Psychology' Research Participation requirements (I still need 4 hours more argh). And in the survey, I was asked about my goals and 'personal projects' currently. And I can't really think of any.

Is it considered a failure if you don't have any particular goals in life? I guess for me, I don't really have any long-term goals; I prefer to live my life according to what needs to be done in the next few months (or semester). It makes my life less complicated. And also, I tend to lose sight of any long-term goals I set, because something will inadvertedly happen and change the entire course of my life. And maybe cuz I'm just too lazy to think about the future. Whatever happens, happens. I'll deal with it as it comes. But that's just what I think.

I don't build my life around people either, because people disappoint. If you let them raise your hopes up, the fall will only be much harder. It's happened to me too many times.

So if I don't live for any goals, or people, what then do I live for? I guess I just hope to live to see another day. Everyday is different, and you never know what to expect. If something good comes along, then that's great, if not, then find a way to get through whatever shit is thrown at you. I find joy in the little things in life. Sometimes a minor thing (like talking to a friend) can lift my mood for the entire day. And of course, a minor problem can ruin everything also.

That's what my life is made up of, little things that make or break me. But I tend not to think too much about them. I don't like to make my life more complicated than it already is. I want to move on. Life is unfair. That's just the way it is. I can't change it, so I accept it and change the things I can.

As for my purpose in life, I guess I haven't really found one substantial one yet. I guess it's all in the Lord's plan, which is still hidden to me, or rather it's not my time to know it yet. So in the meantime, I'll just try everything that comes my way and be open to experiences, in the hope that I'll find something life-changing in that. And yeah, find joy in the little things.

And it's my bad, my broken
All my should have's left unspoken
Mine all, mine all mine

even after so long

After hearing from Kaishi about how homesick she feels in HK, I can't help but think about my own experience in the US, not too long ago. Gosh, I can't believe it was only 7 months ago? It feels like I've been gone for a few years haha.

So yeah, I remember feeling lost and so alone, and how every phone call from my parents/friends brought me to the brink of tears. I remember desperately channel-surfing in my hotel room at 4am in the morning, just to find a show that will help lull me to sleep because I only felt more homesick and miserable every moment that I was awake. And of course, all those prayers and time spent poring over my Bible, looking for verses that will bring comfort. I remember something in my devotional about find treasures in the darkness, and it brought great reassurance and comfort to me, especially this verse:

"I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." - Isaiah 45:3

In retrospect, I guess God put it there for me, to reassure me that He's with me, even in the deepest and darkest throes of my loneliness. And for that, I'll forever be thankful.

Thank goodness over the next few days I was caught up in the bustle of moving into my dorm and preparing for school, and didn't really have much time/energy to be homesick. Plus I got to hang out with the other Singaporeans, so at least there was company.

From then on, things only got better. I can't even begin to count how blessed I was during my trip. The Lord blessed me with company, at first in the form of Kirsten, this Singaporean-Texan who showed us around for the first week. Then there was Lauren, who graciously brought us everywhere with her, even making us feel like part of her family. I'll always remember hanging out at her house, watching 'Friends' and cooking up nonsense for lunch, and all those road trips down to Houston/Dallas/Burnet haha. And of course, that wonderful birthday surprise she planned for me.

There was my roommate also, who at first I thought was quite aloof, but in the end turned out to be one of the nicest people I know. I remember those crazy conversations we had till late at night, how we tried to get back at our noisy suitemates, her random bursts of dancing, that Gig 'Em banner/aircon shield we made (I brought it back with me :)), how we made fun of those people on TV and watched 'Law and Order:SVU' till 3am. And of course, her exasperated (and futile) attempts to get me to dress up better haha. They say that your roommate is either your best friend, or your worst enemy. Thank God she was the former, unlike the other Singaporeans' roommates haha. Oh and the French and Spanish also, although they tend to party abit too crazily for my liking haha. All these people remind me that despite our different backgrounds, we're still similar people underneath and can still click together. Oh man, I miss everyone so much! I guess in the end, it's the people you meet, rather than what you see, who have the deepest impact in your life.

I was also blessed in that I managed to score the best grades of my life in the US, in spite of the constant slacking and ponning of classes haha. Too bad they don't count sigh. And of course, I didn't get caught in any mishaps or terrible accidents, especially since we were flying/driving around so much. We missed getting a speeding ticket twice during Spring Break man! But then, there were the darn flight delays that seemed to plague me wherever I went.

I guess I wouldn't have been able to pull myself out of those negative/depressing thoughts if not for my friends in Singapore also. Especially Shuqi (who emailed me constantly, and who made the effort to find me 21 items for my birthday haah), Pauline (my fellow US exchange student, and the only other person sharing the same timezone), WWF (for that hilarious birthday video), and Boran (who helped me buy textbooks).

Oh man, this is making me even sadder. I can't believe I'm still thinking about the US, even after so long. But I guess I don't ever wanna forget my time there. So bear with this entry, especially if it seems like a repeat of other entries haha.

Well, they can take, take, take the kids from the summer
But they'll never, never, never take the summer from me

one more vacation

In the midst of my huge pile of readings (and that's only for 2 modules), I can't help but feel that my life is spent meaninglessly. I feel that I should be doing something else besides going to school, studying, and sleeping. But like what? Join case competitions or school clubs? Then again, I don't know if I can afford the time. I'm still working part-time for the PR firm I interned for, but although the work so far is still manageable, it can get unpredictable and might burn up my weekends (and whatever leisure time I can afford).

I guess it's mostly peer pressure that's forcing me to think about all this. And of course, the undeniable need to build up my resume. Many companies are also starting to come in for recruitment talks, and I can't help but think about my future after graduation. I seriously don't know what I wanna work as. I'm just trying to delay my graduation, but before that, I need to be able to meet the criteria for Honours. Which brings me back to the desperate need to study hard, and pull up my pathetic CAP.

It doesn't help that I have so many projects, reports and presentations this sem. And those readings. Gahh. As mentioned in my previous post, my Mondays (and now Tuesdays) are horrendously long and packed. I'm almost burned out before I even reach Wednesday. Then I spend the rest of the week recovering (and preparing for the next week). Shit man.

I feel so miserable right now :( Lord, please give me strength to make it through this semester. And the wisdom and discipline to use my time wisely.

Don't call the doctors
I don't need no medication
I just need one more vacation
And make it last

butterflies in the stomach

For some reason, I'm kinda dreading school this semester. You know, the butterflies in the stomach feeling. Not that I've always loved school, but I guess after being away for 7 months, I'm just really afraid of going back to see that everything has changed and not being able to cope with it all. Also, this sem I'm gonna be taking different modules from most of my friends. Even though, technically it's like being back in Texas, where I'm the only Singaporean (and Asian) in my class. It's just different.

The worse thing is, my Mondays are like absolutely crazy. 9am to 8pm?! Albeit with two 2-hour breaks in between. Which sucks, cuz I won't know what to do with myself during those breaks. Walk around, study, hang around? Sigh. It's times like these that I wish I stayed in hall haha. I think sooner or later, I'm gonna skip my 6pm class hahaha. And I have 9am classes on Mon and Tues. And I have to take a bus, so that means I have to wake up at 7am. Gawd. I think I can count the number of times I've woken up before 8am in the past few months, with one hand.

Anyway, the past week has been crazy. I've had 3 occasions where I've had to stand for hours while being squashed in a crowd of people. The first one being Singfest, the second one at Zouk, and the third at Rag on Fri. Mambo Night at Zouk was nuts. There were sooo many people! But it was fun, other than almost being jostled to death, getting into a back-to-back shoving match with a guy who kept pushing his way into my personal space, and being winked at by an ang moh (creepy but amusing). It was entertaining to see people doing the Para Para-like Mambo 'moves'. If it were anywhere else, it'll look downright ridiculous haha. But clubbing should definitely be kept to a once-in-a-while kind of thing. It's bad for your heart, ears, eyesight, and health in general.

Rag Day was tiring too. Went back to help on Thurs, and it was discouraging to see the seniors hard at work mache-ing, while a huge group of juniors were using eye power. Somehow, they made our effort last year seem like it was in vain. I've heard many disappointing things about the juniors also. Well, at least they won! Haha and didn't put Bizad to shame as we had previously expected.

Ok, let's hope this sem will go smoothly. It's time to work hard again, after a 7 months long honeymoon. I need to pull up my CAP (it's what I always say each sem right ahha)!

And I know I said some things that hurt
It took 97 missed calls to finally get over you

I HATE WORK.

All I do is sit around on my ass, doing things that I seldom see the point of. It's a waste of time, really. I feel like I'm just doing sai kang for the boss, instead of really learning anything.

I'm ready to quit and slack before school starts. Speaking of which, I'm not at all ready for schooL! After my exchange, I don't think I'll ever get used to mugging and slogging my guts out haha. I feel so lala.

And I still have to write a 3-5 pg report on my exchange. Very (*&#$(*# lor. How am I supposed to put fun into words?!

Ragging later also. I'm afraid that I won't have much to do there. Then it'll just be another waste of time. But I'd feel bad if I don't at least go down to help out abit.

Oh and Singfest on Sunday was a blast! But I'm still in the midst of blogging about it haha.

Bidding season is on again. At least I don't have to bid for my Business modules, or anguish over getting just 1 module out of 5. But I still don't know what Breadth/GEM I should take. They either look very zzz and nonsensical ('Microchip Revolution - From Sand to IC' wtf?), or they don't fit into my timetable. I'm hoping to get a 4 day week, or a 3 day one if I'm lucky haha.

I don't want to wait
For our lives to be over
Will it be yes or will it be
Sorry

Singfest 08!

WOOTS. I'm back from SINGFEST!! Which ended like 1 hour ago, yeah like totally overshot the scheduled time haha. Other than the fact that I can't feel my legs, my hearing is still muffled, and my whole body is aching, I had tons of fuN!! It was worth the $180 (after Visa discount somemore) I paid haha.

Yes I know, $180 right. Here were some responses I got:

My friends: "You know how many things I can buy with $180?!"
My auntie: "$180?! I won't even pay $160 to watch Pavarotti!!"
Mum: "Huh! Pay so much go there still must stand ah??"

But it was worth it! Cuz I saw JASON MRAZ, ONEREPUBLIC, and ALICIA KEYS. But oh man, it was freakin' crowded. Which probably explains why the tickets for today were sold out. I think there were about 10,000 people man. There was even a super loong, snaking queue just to go in! But we managed to cut queue (muahaha) and got in easy. Oh btw, I went with Pauline and her bro who's 3 years younger.

Wah Fort Canning Park was already packed when we arrived man. And it was only 4pm? I think there were more people than grass. Some people brought like their own picnic mats, complete with sandwiches, beer and wine haha. But we were empty-handed, so we had to make do with the free Starhub plastic sheets/bags. At first we were sitting like way behind cuz the acts weren't that interesting and mosh-worthy. Like Stacie Orrico and Jamie Scott? I only know like 3 songs between the both of them haha. After OneRepublic's performance (which was stellar), we decided to risk our safety and bash our way to the stage. I think I trampled on alot of feet/bags/mats/people, on the way there haha. But oh well.

See, more people than grass right. Otherwise, Fort Canning Park is a nice place for a picnic haha.

OneRepublic, from far far away.
So Panic at the Disco was up next, and we were like about 50 meters from the stage. Aww man, their first song was ruined cuz the mike went deaf and no one could hear what the lead was singing. And no one in the band knew about it despite the audience going, "We can't hear you!" But after that it was great although I only knew a few lines to their songs. Then we attempted to move further up nearer the stage so as to better experience JASON MRAZ.

Panic at the Disco, up close.
Everyone was there for Mraz haha.

I can tell you being in the mosh pit definitely brings you closer to your death haha. You're like surrounded by a million sweaty bodies, which equates to whiffs of bad body odour if you're unlucky enough to stand under someone's armpits. And you can't breathe properly cuz you're being squeezed from every corner. And you go deaf when someone near you starts shrieking/screaming. It doesn't help when there are inconsiderate people who take their own sweet time to squeeze their way past you, leaving you shoved between them and a wall of bodies while they take a moment to shout for their friend Yvonne. OMG I wanted to strangle that girl.

Sorry ah, quite blur. Anyway, Jason Mraz was awesome!! There was alot of interaction with the audience, and he's really good at making up lyrics out of nowhere haha. No wonder he's Mr. A-Z. The crowd was really enthu also, I think almost everyone was singing (and screaming) along with him. Best choral performance haha. Actually I think most people were only there for Mraz's performance.

After Mraz, it was the Levi's Fashion Show and Rick Astley ("Never gonna give you up, never gonna make you cry..."), which we weren't interested in, so we went to PS for dinner. The food sold at Singfest was freaking expensive man. $6 hotdogs?! It's like blatant daylight robbery. Anyway when we came back, the Pussycat Dolls were performing. And woah, they're good (albeit slutty haha), prancing around the stage in stripper clothes haha. I always wonder how people can sing and dance at the same time haha.

The final act was Alicia Keys. She's like the headliner for Sunday's concert, which wasn't a surprise, cuz she was world-class. Her singing was great, maybe even better than on the radio hah. But I thought it was better suited for a more intimate concert hall setting, rather than a big ass outdoor music festival. And she talked way too much! Like in the middle of her songs, so much that I kinda forgot what she was singing in the first place haha. But other than that, she was quite exciting to watch, jumping from the keyboard to the piano, and even dancing for a bit haha. Her backup singers and band were really good too. But for some reason, some of the audience left during her performance (probably to avoid the stampede after), and I felt bad for her haha. In conclusion, Singfest was good! I kinda regret not going for the first day though, cuz I really wanted to see Travis. But oh well, at least I saved some $$ haha. The second day was still worth it, though. I took many videos but they're too big so just gotta make do with pictures haha.

Just take it easy
And celebrate the malleable reality
Nothing is ever as it seems
This life is but a dream