the fever is near

Ok I take back everything I said about being happier when I'm busy. I'm not. In fact, I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed. There are so many things running through my mind, that I can't even concentrate on what I'm really supposed to do (like uhm, study??). I think it's just me. I tend to worry over things beyond my control. And I have no patience. I don't like to sit there and wait for something to happen, even though theoratically, there's nothing I can do to make my situation better. So I complain, and worry, and worry, and worry some more. And then I get depressed. I think I should learn to let go.

Anyway, I don't really know what to do to get myself out of depression. I could sleep, or I could immerse myself in work. Or I could find company (since misery loves company). Are you supposed to feel better if you're surrounded by happy people, or by people who are more miserable than you? Hmm I don't really know. For me, I think I'd rather be around happy people. Cuz at least I have a higher chance of being infected with their happiness. On the other hand, maybe I'll feel worse off, cuz 'what right do they have to be happy, when I'm feeling so miserable here?'. But that's just selfish. Then again, I could pray about it. But I wonder if I have enough faith for it.

I guess what I really need is for someone to reassure me that everything will be alright, and even if we can't solve my problem, at least I'll feel better and stronger to face it. It's even better if I'm able to forget all my troubles for a while, and just live in the moment, whatever or whoever it may be with. Sadly, there aren't many people in my life who have the ability to make me feel better.

It's ironic how those closest to you can't even tell you're unhappy, yet the people you don't see often are able to read your feelings with just one look at your face. Then again, friends don't need to spend a lot of time with each other to be close.

I have a lot of wants. Too many to count, even. But what I really need is to be content with what I already have.

Ok that's enough rambling for today. It's just my time of the month again.

And the internet at home is really cranky. I'll lose my connection whenever there's a thunderstorm haha. And for some reason, I can't download any songs. Pfft.

So have you been to a place like this?
To see your breath as it paints against the sky
The fever is near
I wish you were here

i've had enough of this parade

I'm damn stressed over this exchange thing man. I have a million and one things to settle! And soon!

My air tickets aren't confirmed yet, but I'm hoping to settle them by tomorrow since flights are becoming fully booked very quickly. I haven't settled my housing applications yet, cuz I'm still waiting for the rest of the exchange pple to decide on which hall to apply for. I have an idea of where I want to stay in already, though. But I don't wanna be extra and stay away from them haha. My course mapping is a mess, though I've more or less settled the modules I want to take. I'm just waiting for Jessie from the dean's office to come back so she can approve my modules.

And then there's the issue of visa applications. This is super frustrating man. I have to fill up 234829734 forms, specially get a 50mm by 50mm photo, pay $160 + US$100 in application fees, book an appointment with the US embassy, and do a million other miscellenaous stuff. Shucks. Why is it so troublesome to go the US??

Oh and I have no idea how to go about settling my finances in the US. Everyone tells me different things man! But this isn't so urgent yet.

Plus I'm kinda worried about loneliness, especially since I'm most likely gonna be travelling there on my own. Actually I'm more concerned about losing my way, given that I'm a blur kok when it comes to directions. And the prospect of being away from home for 6 months is daunting. I don't know if I can survive, or if I'll die from homesickness. I guess I'll get used to being away after a while? If Jan can do it, so can I!!

And yeah, I'm never really lonely though I can be alone, cuz I have the Lord beside me :) What I'm really looking forward to is the travelling I may be doing during the hols next year haha. I'm kinda excited about going to see my aunt in Vancouver haha.

BUT, before all of that, I have to remember to STUDY. EXAMS ARE COMING!!

Argh. I don't foresee any time for rest and relaxation coming up soon. Pfft.

I've had enough of this parade
I'm thinking of the words to say
We open up unfinished parts
Broken up it's only love

take me with you

I'm so tired I think I can sleep for a million years. And why do I get the feeling that my troubles are never gonna end?

I thought that after handing up my term paper (not last minute work ok! I finished it 1 day before heh. Damn proud of myself :D), and today's biz comm presentation, I could relax and start trying to get my life back. It's sad cuz I can't really remember how my life was like before all these dumb deadlines started piling up. But I stick to what I've said. That I'd much rather work towards a deadline (and suffer), than to let my mind wander around in idleness.

The next few weeks are gonna be crazy too. It's time to start catching up on my tutorials and start studying for my exams. Sigh. Then after that I have to prepare for my trip already.

Nevertheless, I wished there was something for me to look forward to. I miss the familiarity of old friends. But there's never enough time.

And I hate it when I'm treated as dispensable. I'm not some freaking recyclable object. You can't throw me away then re-use me again when I'm needed.

Oh how we've shouted, how we've screamed,
Take notice, take interest, take me with you.

i give up

Says everything.

Anyway, the Great Spy Experiment's performing this Sat at Timbre! Aye but I think out of my friends, only erm, 2 or 3 know about them? So I can't really find anyone to go with me haha. How sad.

See, I need to know more pple who share the same tastes in music as me!

and then you do it again

In the past week, I have:

1) Slept at 3am for 3 consecutive days, including one where I slept at 5am.

2) Skipped 1 and a half days of school, including

3) 1 lecture, and 3 tutorials (ok, I skip lectures regularly, but NEVER tutorials)

4) Not done ANY of my tutorials

ALL for the sake of completing my dumb Poli Science essay. Which I realise has no direct relevance to my life, except for making me ponder about whether nationalism is compatible with the liberal state's emphasis on individual rights and freedom, for 1 WHOLE WEEK.

I officially declare this past week "Political Science Week". I literally ate, slept, and breathed Political Science man. And I think all I have to show for it is a crappy six page essay which, although went over the word limit, absolutely made no sense to me. I never realised writing a stupid essay could reduce my life span by half. I'm never taking an Arts module again! Give me a freaking midterm test anytime man. Anything but an essay.

Oh well, but the REAL reason I'm writing this down is to remind myself to NEVER EVER leave term papers/essays/anything that requires intensive crapping, to the last minute. Which is why I'm supposed to be researching for my OM term paper now (production scheduling, radio frequency identification systems, anyone?). Note "supposed". I'm having trouble focussing again!

NO ADE, NOOO. You have to submit this paper on Fri, and you have a presentation to prepare for, ALSO on Fri! AND *gasp* your tutorials!! Don't forget about them!! (Shucks, now I'm talking to myself. )

Therefore I predict another week of hell again. This time probably 93409820 times more horrifying. How delightful.

Cause you say you love me
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say your sorry's
And then you do it again, you do it again

does it end like this?

You close your eyes and kiss your hand then you blow it,
But it isn't meant for me, and I notice.
If the choice was ours alone,
Then why'd we both choose letting go?
Does it end like this?

Time never had a chance to heal your heart
Just a number always counting down to a new start
If you always knew the truth,
Then the world would spin around you.
Are you dizzy yet?

Respectfully, some honesty I'm calling out
Do you hear the conversation we talk about?
I'll back away to the safety of a quiet house
If there's half a chance in this moment
When your eyes meet mine, we show it out.

All talk and not a lot to think, we were living dreams
And shame never crept close to our naked feet
If there's something left to lose,
Then don't let me wear out my shoes
That I still walk in.

I tried, but it rang and rang; I called all night
On a pay phone, remember those from another life?
If everything I meant to you,
You can't lick and seal then fold in two
Then I've been so blind.

Respectfully, some honesty I'm asking now
Do you hear the conversation we talk about?
I'll back away to the safety of a quiet house
If there's half a chance in this moment
When your eyes meet mine, we show it out.

Oh, oh take it all back, take your first, your last, your only.
Oh, oh take it all back, take it all back,
Everything you showed me.
Oh, oh, this must be how it feels when the feeling goes

I told you as I haven't, I never felt this way
You said I have the shot that stops my clock
Baby it's okay
You said you'd never have regrets
Jesus is there someone yet who got that wish?
Did you get yours, babe?

Respectfully, some honesty I'm asking now
Do you hear the conversation we talk about?
I'll back away to the safety of a quiet house
If there's half a chance in this moment
When your eyes meet mine, we show it out.

- Jimmy Eat World, "Dizzy"

random

Some random stuff:

Although my life is a M.E.S.S. (Mug, Eat, Shit, Sleep) right now, I can safely say that I'm quite content. At least my mind doesn't have a chance to wander off , saving me from thinking myself into (unnecessary) depression.

And it gives me a purpose in life, even if this purpose comes with plenty of suffering. I mean, at the end of the day, I still detest deadlines.

I think I'm really very zhu. Yes I finally admit it. I love my sleep and my food. I become grumpy without them. But coffee perks me right up. And makes me really hyper haha. I think I become very crazy when I drink too much coffee. But at least I'm happy when I'm crazy :)

I miss being with my best friends. I miss being able to shoot my mouth off without too much consideration. Cuz I know nothing I say will be held against me. I can't keep anything from them. There are also never really any awkward silent moments with them, cuz there aren't any silences to begin with (I can't shut up when I'm around them haha), and even if there are, our silences are comfortable ones.

I'm happy that I have my dog, Congee, at home. I love it that he's always happy to see me when I come home. A dog's love is unconditional I guess. But it's better if you have some food to bribe him with haha.

Ok I think that's all I have to say.

I'm a beggar and I'm a chooser
I'm accused, I'm an accuser
But nothing's unconditional