Emmy The Great - Paper Forest (In the Afterglow of Rapture)


You're not unlucky, you're just not very smart.
These things will never leave you - they're as close as you can get
To a blueprint for the future - but you can call it fate.
It's like these days I have to write down almost every thought I've held,
So scared I am becoming of forgetting how it felt,
And these fears they will unravel me one day,
But still I am afraid.

But I'm blessed - 
Just to be, more or less - 
Standing in the afterglow of rapture with the words the rapture left.
Oh blessed - 
Just to be, more or less - 
Standing in the afterglow of rapture with the words the rapture left.

Now you're blessed amongst all women,
Now a man who's very good,
He tells you how you feel until your life is understood,
And he leads you through it arm in arm as though
There was a map to guide the way.
Now you write because you love him, now you write because he's kind,
You write so much, you look up and you wrote yourself behind,
And you're standing in a labyrinth of paper and the map has been erased.

But you're blessed - 
Just to be, more or less - 
Standing in the afterglow of rapture with the words the rapture left.
Are you blessed?
Just to be, more or less?
Now you're standing in the afterglow of rapture, but there is no rapture left.

Oh come, and we will celebrate the things that make us real, 
The things that break us open, and the things that make us feel
Like these accidental meetings up and partings of the way
Are not so much our choice but in the blood of how we're made,
It's like the way I have to write down almost everything I see,
So that the record does obscure the thing the record used to be,
And I know I'm not unlucky,
I was just born this way.

But I'm blessed.

Now a paper forest grows up in the supermarket aisles,
The baby born with teeth looks at its mother and it smiles,
And we all fall down
Like wind blows through the paper forest.
And a paper forest grows up in the supermarket aisles,
The baby born with teeth looks at its mother and smiles,
And we all fall down
As wind blows through the paper forests
And a paper forest grows up in the supermarket aisle
Alarm clock fingers turn they're counting seconds like they're miles
And you say, "wake up now, 'cause I can see no paper forest."

(This new blogger interface is making me a little confused.)


Yesterday at cell group we were asked what was a motto/saying/verse that drives us, or determines how we live each day? For example, for someone it was "to be Number 1" (she's in sales). But for someone else, it was Psalm 143:8 - 


"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life."


I thought that verse was pretty good. 


Honestly, this question really caught me off-guard and I had a difficult time thinking of something. What I came up with was, "to try my best in everything I do" which is half-true. Anyway it was a lame response (I really need to sit down to find a Biblical verse that will probably work better), but it got me thinking about my attitude towards work and life.


There were a few in the group who talked about finding it hard to let go and not control every little detail in their plans. So their motto was basically to give it up to God. For me it's the exact opposite.


I love having little/NO control. I'm basically content to just bask in the background and let others settle the problems. I don't like responsibility, and having others look to me for answers and solutions. I'm the kinda person who prefers to go with the flow, and react to the situation rather than act and initiate something. I mean, I like some responsibility so I don't feel like I'm completely useless. And I like to manage projects to keep myself occupied (and again, to make myself look useful). But I don't like having to helicopter-manage, ie. to oversee everything and make important decisions for everyone. 


I think it's partly cuz I'm afraid of the consequences if I screw up, but it's probably cuz I'm such a lazy bum. I run in the face of difficulty and would rather distract myself with something unimportant instead of focusing on the problem at hand. I only get my act together when there's a fire literally burning under my backside. My academic life was mostly made up of last-minute papers and reports cobbled together through sleepless nights and lotsa coffee. But God really blessed me, in the sense that my last minute shit always turns out well. Maybe that's why I'm like this.


I'm so used to things eventually sorting themselves out, and maybe I totally misconstrued the idea of letting God take over control. I get so complacent that sometimes I literally just think to myself, "Oh, God will take care of this. I'll just sit back and let Him do His work." Only right now am I realizing how I've completely twisted this away from its rightful meaning.


For example, I'm not gonna lie but I'm facing some tough crap at work right now. Basically I'm managing failing products. Granted, they've been failing even before I joined. But now everyone's looking to me to resuscitate them. I mean, I really want to love my products but it's so hard when even I, myself sometimes don't see the point of having them. They're like the fake cardboard cut-out shrubbery/trees in a school production - you kinda need them but you won't notice them if they're gone. Or, to put it more bluntly, like trying to love the ugly and bratty kids in a kindergarten class. You know they deserve love too, but urgh it's so hard.


This can go both ways - either I work some magic and turn them into stars, or I completely suck at it and get fired (this might not be true, but I'm not taking any chances). I guess my main difficulty now is to get my ass up and get this project running without having my boss breathe down my neck, or worse, looking at me with disappointment. I think I'm more afraid of the latter. So the past week, I've been doing what I usually do - distract myself and dabble in other things instead of tackling this straight-on. It sucks. It's like inertia, I know I have to do it but I don't know how and I don't want to cuz I don't know how. Despite saying that I want to do my best in everything, it's getting to the doing part that's the hardest for me (which is why it's half-true). So I continued to drag until I can't anymore. What I should've been doing was to really go to God first, instead of letting myself get caught up in this vicious and unproductive cycle.


I think sometimes God just lets the situation get so bad that we have no choice but to go to Him on our knees. Cuz otherwise we'd just be wholly content to rely on our own wits, or even worse, take Him for granted and think that He will sort it out without our asking. Then we'd never realize that He is what we really need. Instead of choosing to wallow in a mix of panic/despair/blame (eg. why do I have to be saddled with the runts in the company??), then going about my own human (and really dumb) way of dealing with it ie. getting distracted with other things or complaining, I should've immediately turned to God for help.   


"I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:13  


How true. Only God can really give me the perseverance, discipline and wisdom to sort out all my crap. All I need do is ask, and obey. It's a simple solution, if only I didn't take so long to figure it out. So it is with renewed strength and motivation that I hope I can go about this mission of reviving my dying babies. From another perspective, this might actually a good opportunity for God to reveal His glory and for Him to do work His blessings in my life. All I have to do is to take hold of it and trust that His plans for me are good.


And firstly of course, to get off of my lazy bum.


ps. I'm really tired so I don't know if I'm making any sense. It's just really cathartic to get all my thoughts and troubles out, and to use this as a reminder in case I ever falter.

this living

There’s little in taking or giving,
There’s little in water or wine;
This living, this living, this living
Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
And rest’s for a clam in a shell,
So I’m thinking of throwing the battle —-
Would you kindly direct me to hell?


- "Coda", Dorothy Parker

good times never last.

I hate being blindsided. There I was, living in my own happy little bubble thinking that everything is A-Ok. Then something like this just has to happen. I guess it's true that good times never last.

First, the happy stuff:

Port Dickson was awesome. I really have to thank God on so many levels! Most importantly that I'm back in SG in one piece, esp since we went in a crappy excuse for a car. Many times during our journey, I felt like I was in the twilight zone - smoke coming out of our aircon vents, a wiper that makes the windscreen more blurry, an accelerator that has a delayed reaction even after flooring, and a super inaccurate GPS. Let's not even mention the worn out interior - splashes of red paint on the seat, a panel held together with blu-tack, etc.

Moral of the story: Never rent from a cheap car rental, no matter how attractive the price. There's a reason why it's cheap.

But I'm really glad our car (aka Bobby), or rather the passengers, was so fun. It truly was an adventure haha. I think our ridiculous situation prob helped to up the levels of crazy.

My virgin go-kart experience was a success too! 10 mins of pure excitement! And no accidents!!

As for our night activities, as usual there was lots of drinking. But no one passed out (unless it's out of pure exhaustion), and no one (ie. me) puked. It was quite an eye-opener to see the managers getting all crazy and initiating pillow fights though haha. I hope I can maintain a straight face in front of them in the office.

Seriously, I'm so blessed that God has placed all these nice people in my workplace around me, esp cuz there are quite a few Christians. I don't think I've ever had a manager pray with me before (we were praying for a safe journey in Bobby), and prob never will again. So yeah, that was another eye-opener haha.

And now, the horrible stuff:

So there I was, basking in the warm and blissful afterglow of this wonderful trip - it only lasted for an hour I think. And then I'm hit out of nowhere with really shitty news. Sometimes I think I'd rather be kept in the dark forever. Ignorance really is bliss.

Till now, I'm unable to give any clear explanations let alone give any possible solutions. Heck, it is not even my position to provide resolutions or to make any judgments. I can only say that in many ways, this is a wakeup call. But it doesn't reduce the anxiety and disappointment though. I can only pray and hope in the Lord, be as objective as I can, and show love no matter how difficult it is right now.

It's times like these that I really hate humans. Why do we (myself included) always complicate and hurt our relationships? I'm starting to lose hope.

There’s been some miscalculations,
there’s no room left to stand.

better off

#1 peeve with work:

I'm seriously very concerned about this drinking "problem" that I have/am developing. Maybe I'm just exaggerating cuz once/twice a week probably doesn't warrant being called a problem. But still.

I hate drinking for the sake of it.

Seriously, is there NO other way to have fun? The only things I get out of it are a throbbing headache, dulled senses, and nausea. I'm fine with alcohol if it's to chill out over good conversation with good friends, or just enough to loosen me enough that I can go onto the dancefloor without caring too much about looking like an uncoordinated idiot.

But I'm not ok if it becomes a pointless competition to see how much you can take, or if the end-goal is to get wasted. It's gross. So I guess it's a good thing that I managed to puke before 7pm last week at the D&D (after just 1 and a half martinis - another record). I don't mind looking like a loser if it means I don't have to, or rather can't, be forced to down more alcohol than I can stand.

Conclusion: I need more guts to resist the pressure of colleagues. Or I just need to puke more often. Cuz there's a limit to my liver and bank account.

Other than that annoying peeve, work and colleagues (when sober) have been great. Which I'm seriously more than grateful for :)

On the personal front, is it worrying that I'm really not that concerned about my single status? Maybe cuz I've been distracted enough that I haven't been thinking seriously about it. Or maybe it's just that I can't really see myself being attached to ONE person for the rest of my life. Ok sometimes I do wish I had a constant in my life; someone who is always there for me to rant to, confide in, or share my lame thoughts with. But these moments are fleeting and pass as quickly as they come. I'm not about to dress up/wear more makeup just cuz it'll get more boys interested haha. I don't wanna be in a relationship just cuz it's the social expectation and it's what everyone has. On the other hand, I also don't wanna hang around till I'm old and 'undesirable'.

Maybe the reason why I'm still single is cuz I lack a sense of urgency haha. But still, I'm sticking to my motto of, 'if it happens, it happens'. And really, I just haven't met someone who's managed to catch and hold onto my (very fickle) interest. For now, I'm happy just prancing around doing what I like and enjoying this season of singlehood :)

Summer Camp - Better Off Without You

I think this song sums up what I feel about relationships right now hahah. Granted it's about an awful ex, but it's so ridiculously catchy and sing-out-loud that I think it applies to single ladies in general.

And if you said you'd never waste my time
I'd be so happy, I'd be so happy

I feel like I'm just waiting for the happy bubble I'm currently in to burst.

So far, the major occupational hazard I face is probably liver failure. Followed by bankruptcy. I think the amount I've drank (and spent) in the past month is more than what I've had this whole year.

So the difficulty is maintaining work-life balance, like more work and less life. As weird as that sounds. I guess that's a good bad-thing right? It's fun and a great way to socialize with colleagues, but after a while it's just tiring. And I really don't want it to be a habit; like a default activity to fall back on when I wanna relax.

Meanwhile, here's a really young and talented songstress, Lucy Rose, that I've recently fallen in love with. Delicate vocals and totally heartbreaking lyrics that display maturity way beyond her 18 years. Her songs give me a lot of feelings.

Lucy Rose - Scar

you said you would be waiting

yes, hi there, I'm still alive

The Drums - Money

My life in a sentence: I wanna buy you something but I don't have any money

Life got in the way, so haven't been able to update much.

Hmm, so work's been greaaat. Haven't really done any real work yet, but the people have been really nice and the environment is so much better - less uptight and formal. Even in terms of what I wear. Like I feel overdressed in my long-sleeved work blouses, which were the standard attire previously. I think my previous job set me up such that it really lowered my expectations so that I'm happy even with teeny improvements haha.

But above all, I guess God deserves the full glory :)

I'm still way tired though. But the company shuttle does help ALOT. At least I get to snooze during the journey, though I get the fresh-out-of-bed look when I reach the office. All I have to do is make sure I get my butt to the MRT station on time, which usually means doing the 100m sprint.

Also, Aussie in November! :)))

(I have this irrational fear that vocalising the good things in my life will make them untrue. I hope I didn't just do that.)