(This new blogger interface is making me a little confused.)


Yesterday at cell group we were asked what was a motto/saying/verse that drives us, or determines how we live each day? For example, for someone it was "to be Number 1" (she's in sales). But for someone else, it was Psalm 143:8 - 


"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life."


I thought that verse was pretty good. 


Honestly, this question really caught me off-guard and I had a difficult time thinking of something. What I came up with was, "to try my best in everything I do" which is half-true. Anyway it was a lame response (I really need to sit down to find a Biblical verse that will probably work better), but it got me thinking about my attitude towards work and life.


There were a few in the group who talked about finding it hard to let go and not control every little detail in their plans. So their motto was basically to give it up to God. For me it's the exact opposite.


I love having little/NO control. I'm basically content to just bask in the background and let others settle the problems. I don't like responsibility, and having others look to me for answers and solutions. I'm the kinda person who prefers to go with the flow, and react to the situation rather than act and initiate something. I mean, I like some responsibility so I don't feel like I'm completely useless. And I like to manage projects to keep myself occupied (and again, to make myself look useful). But I don't like having to helicopter-manage, ie. to oversee everything and make important decisions for everyone. 


I think it's partly cuz I'm afraid of the consequences if I screw up, but it's probably cuz I'm such a lazy bum. I run in the face of difficulty and would rather distract myself with something unimportant instead of focusing on the problem at hand. I only get my act together when there's a fire literally burning under my backside. My academic life was mostly made up of last-minute papers and reports cobbled together through sleepless nights and lotsa coffee. But God really blessed me, in the sense that my last minute shit always turns out well. Maybe that's why I'm like this.


I'm so used to things eventually sorting themselves out, and maybe I totally misconstrued the idea of letting God take over control. I get so complacent that sometimes I literally just think to myself, "Oh, God will take care of this. I'll just sit back and let Him do His work." Only right now am I realizing how I've completely twisted this away from its rightful meaning.


For example, I'm not gonna lie but I'm facing some tough crap at work right now. Basically I'm managing failing products. Granted, they've been failing even before I joined. But now everyone's looking to me to resuscitate them. I mean, I really want to love my products but it's so hard when even I, myself sometimes don't see the point of having them. They're like the fake cardboard cut-out shrubbery/trees in a school production - you kinda need them but you won't notice them if they're gone. Or, to put it more bluntly, like trying to love the ugly and bratty kids in a kindergarten class. You know they deserve love too, but urgh it's so hard.


This can go both ways - either I work some magic and turn them into stars, or I completely suck at it and get fired (this might not be true, but I'm not taking any chances). I guess my main difficulty now is to get my ass up and get this project running without having my boss breathe down my neck, or worse, looking at me with disappointment. I think I'm more afraid of the latter. So the past week, I've been doing what I usually do - distract myself and dabble in other things instead of tackling this straight-on. It sucks. It's like inertia, I know I have to do it but I don't know how and I don't want to cuz I don't know how. Despite saying that I want to do my best in everything, it's getting to the doing part that's the hardest for me (which is why it's half-true). So I continued to drag until I can't anymore. What I should've been doing was to really go to God first, instead of letting myself get caught up in this vicious and unproductive cycle.


I think sometimes God just lets the situation get so bad that we have no choice but to go to Him on our knees. Cuz otherwise we'd just be wholly content to rely on our own wits, or even worse, take Him for granted and think that He will sort it out without our asking. Then we'd never realize that He is what we really need. Instead of choosing to wallow in a mix of panic/despair/blame (eg. why do I have to be saddled with the runts in the company??), then going about my own human (and really dumb) way of dealing with it ie. getting distracted with other things or complaining, I should've immediately turned to God for help.   


"I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:13  


How true. Only God can really give me the perseverance, discipline and wisdom to sort out all my crap. All I need do is ask, and obey. It's a simple solution, if only I didn't take so long to figure it out. So it is with renewed strength and motivation that I hope I can go about this mission of reviving my dying babies. From another perspective, this might actually a good opportunity for God to reveal His glory and for Him to do work His blessings in my life. All I have to do is to take hold of it and trust that His plans for me are good.


And firstly of course, to get off of my lazy bum.


ps. I'm really tired so I don't know if I'm making any sense. It's just really cathartic to get all my thoughts and troubles out, and to use this as a reminder in case I ever falter.

this living

There’s little in taking or giving,
There’s little in water or wine;
This living, this living, this living
Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
And rest’s for a clam in a shell,
So I’m thinking of throwing the battle —-
Would you kindly direct me to hell?


- "Coda", Dorothy Parker

good times never last.

I hate being blindsided. There I was, living in my own happy little bubble thinking that everything is A-Ok. Then something like this just has to happen. I guess it's true that good times never last.

First, the happy stuff:

Port Dickson was awesome. I really have to thank God on so many levels! Most importantly that I'm back in SG in one piece, esp since we went in a crappy excuse for a car. Many times during our journey, I felt like I was in the twilight zone - smoke coming out of our aircon vents, a wiper that makes the windscreen more blurry, an accelerator that has a delayed reaction even after flooring, and a super inaccurate GPS. Let's not even mention the worn out interior - splashes of red paint on the seat, a panel held together with blu-tack, etc.

Moral of the story: Never rent from a cheap car rental, no matter how attractive the price. There's a reason why it's cheap.

But I'm really glad our car (aka Bobby), or rather the passengers, was so fun. It truly was an adventure haha. I think our ridiculous situation prob helped to up the levels of crazy.

My virgin go-kart experience was a success too! 10 mins of pure excitement! And no accidents!!

As for our night activities, as usual there was lots of drinking. But no one passed out (unless it's out of pure exhaustion), and no one (ie. me) puked. It was quite an eye-opener to see the managers getting all crazy and initiating pillow fights though haha. I hope I can maintain a straight face in front of them in the office.

Seriously, I'm so blessed that God has placed all these nice people in my workplace around me, esp cuz there are quite a few Christians. I don't think I've ever had a manager pray with me before (we were praying for a safe journey in Bobby), and prob never will again. So yeah, that was another eye-opener haha.

And now, the horrible stuff:

So there I was, basking in the warm and blissful afterglow of this wonderful trip - it only lasted for an hour I think. And then I'm hit out of nowhere with really shitty news. Sometimes I think I'd rather be kept in the dark forever. Ignorance really is bliss.

Till now, I'm unable to give any clear explanations let alone give any possible solutions. Heck, it is not even my position to provide resolutions or to make any judgments. I can only say that in many ways, this is a wakeup call. But it doesn't reduce the anxiety and disappointment though. I can only pray and hope in the Lord, be as objective as I can, and show love no matter how difficult it is right now.

It's times like these that I really hate humans. Why do we (myself included) always complicate and hurt our relationships? I'm starting to lose hope.

There’s been some miscalculations,
there’s no room left to stand.

better off

#1 peeve with work:

I'm seriously very concerned about this drinking "problem" that I have/am developing. Maybe I'm just exaggerating cuz once/twice a week probably doesn't warrant being called a problem. But still.

I hate drinking for the sake of it.

Seriously, is there NO other way to have fun? The only things I get out of it are a throbbing headache, dulled senses, and nausea. I'm fine with alcohol if it's to chill out over good conversation with good friends, or just enough to loosen me enough that I can go onto the dancefloor without caring too much about looking like an uncoordinated idiot.

But I'm not ok if it becomes a pointless competition to see how much you can take, or if the end-goal is to get wasted. It's gross. So I guess it's a good thing that I managed to puke before 7pm last week at the D&D (after just 1 and a half martinis - another record). I don't mind looking like a loser if it means I don't have to, or rather can't, be forced to down more alcohol than I can stand.

Conclusion: I need more guts to resist the pressure of colleagues. Or I just need to puke more often. Cuz there's a limit to my liver and bank account.

Other than that annoying peeve, work and colleagues (when sober) have been great. Which I'm seriously more than grateful for :)

On the personal front, is it worrying that I'm really not that concerned about my single status? Maybe cuz I've been distracted enough that I haven't been thinking seriously about it. Or maybe it's just that I can't really see myself being attached to ONE person for the rest of my life. Ok sometimes I do wish I had a constant in my life; someone who is always there for me to rant to, confide in, or share my lame thoughts with. But these moments are fleeting and pass as quickly as they come. I'm not about to dress up/wear more makeup just cuz it'll get more boys interested haha. I don't wanna be in a relationship just cuz it's the social expectation and it's what everyone has. On the other hand, I also don't wanna hang around till I'm old and 'undesirable'.

Maybe the reason why I'm still single is cuz I lack a sense of urgency haha. But still, I'm sticking to my motto of, 'if it happens, it happens'. And really, I just haven't met someone who's managed to catch and hold onto my (very fickle) interest. For now, I'm happy just prancing around doing what I like and enjoying this season of singlehood :)

Summer Camp - Better Off Without You

I think this song sums up what I feel about relationships right now hahah. Granted it's about an awful ex, but it's so ridiculously catchy and sing-out-loud that I think it applies to single ladies in general.

And if you said you'd never waste my time
I'd be so happy, I'd be so happy

I feel like I'm just waiting for the happy bubble I'm currently in to burst.

So far, the major occupational hazard I face is probably liver failure. Followed by bankruptcy. I think the amount I've drank (and spent) in the past month is more than what I've had this whole year.

So the difficulty is maintaining work-life balance, like more work and less life. As weird as that sounds. I guess that's a good bad-thing right? It's fun and a great way to socialize with colleagues, but after a while it's just tiring. And I really don't want it to be a habit; like a default activity to fall back on when I wanna relax.

Meanwhile, here's a really young and talented songstress, Lucy Rose, that I've recently fallen in love with. Delicate vocals and totally heartbreaking lyrics that display maturity way beyond her 18 years. Her songs give me a lot of feelings.

Lucy Rose - Scar

you said you would be waiting

yes, hi there, I'm still alive

The Drums - Money

My life in a sentence: I wanna buy you something but I don't have any money

Life got in the way, so haven't been able to update much.

Hmm, so work's been greaaat. Haven't really done any real work yet, but the people have been really nice and the environment is so much better - less uptight and formal. Even in terms of what I wear. Like I feel overdressed in my long-sleeved work blouses, which were the standard attire previously. I think my previous job set me up such that it really lowered my expectations so that I'm happy even with teeny improvements haha.

But above all, I guess God deserves the full glory :)

I'm still way tired though. But the company shuttle does help ALOT. At least I get to snooze during the journey, though I get the fresh-out-of-bed look when I reach the office. All I have to do is make sure I get my butt to the MRT station on time, which usually means doing the 100m sprint.

Also, Aussie in November! :)))

(I have this irrational fear that vocalising the good things in my life will make them untrue. I hope I didn't just do that.)

deuxième

Now that I'm going to be starting another job/phase of my life (for the second time), it's time to reflect on the journey of the past few months. And I have much to be thankful for:

It's seriously been a long period of searching. When I first started, I set myself the deadline of April. But April quickly came and went, and I was still jobless. And it's not like I haven't been trying. I've gone for countless (like seriously, I lost count) interviews and assessments. I've written faux proposals, press releases, sat for tests/essays, gave a nerve-wracking presentation, and even built a box for ping pong balls (but I must say, that was really fun!). Every call I got was an opportunity and a hope that this could be it. But after all that, I never got a single job offer. Which sucks. And I realized that when it comes to life, it's futile to set deadlines of any sort because if it's not the time, it's not the time. (Of course this doesn't really apply to real work deadlines haha.)

But God is faithful. He remembered me even as I sat around being despondent and discouraged. He blessed me with things to occupy/apply myself to, ie. helping with props for the Easter musical, DLTP, leading Bible study, a job at the father's company, my recently discovered interest in music blogging. Most importantly, I was constantly reassured and encouraged by friends around me. And then, He answered my call out of the blue.

This job was totally unexpected in many ways. For instance, after the nightmare of travelling from East to West the last time, I told myself (and everyone) that I will never go back to Jurong. But oh look, I'm back there again! And at a location even further and more inaccessible than last time. Looking back, I can only laugh at my naivety that I can be so sure of something. I guess this only proves that God works in ways we can't possibly fathom. We may decide on our plans, but in the end He decides our final actions and works events out in ways that achieve His will and purpose.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." - Proverbs 16:9

It's crazily ironic, and I still can't really make sense of this haha. I'm just super thankful that they have private transportation from Paya Lebar (and that HR wasn't bluffing me when they told me I have a seat), which is probably as good as it can get. And of course, I can only continue trusting that God's hand is in all of this, and that there's a reason why I'm back in Jurong.

As for the job, I think I'm equal parts excited and anxious. Excited because it's a great company, and I'm doing something entirely new to myself; I literally have zero experience and no idea about what to expect. And that's where the anxiety comes in. Cuz there's lots of uncertainty, especially doubts about whether I have the ability to do the job well. And really, there's the great fear that this time will be as miserable as the previous experience especially now that I can't get out so easily. But I can definitely say that I'm more optimistic than when I first started the last time. But yeah, I will try to level my expectations and not get too carried away by all the good things that I'm hearing before I even start.

At the end of the day, I think it's all about greeting each day and challenge with a cheerful heart and attitude. It's easy to say now, because I know for sure that there will be days when I get so frustrated I wanna scream and shoot someone (or myself). But I guess what I've learnt from the previous time is that I really need to keep my emotions and pride in check if I wanna get the most of out of anything. I need to remember to bring all my feelings of injustice and frustration to God for Him to deal with, instead of rashly taking things into my own hands and ruining the entire situation.

I have a feeling the next 6 months are gonna be tough :( But I have hope that I am here for a reason (aka Why I'm Back in Jurong), and that the Lord is with me and will help me accomplish all this, if I trust and obey.

Finally, these past few months of bumming and slumming around have actually been enriching. For one, I've learnt that it's actually pretty ok to be alone (cuz everyone else was working or busy having a life). It may sound like I'm trying to console myself but honestly, I really enjoyed the solitude and the freedom of having endless days stretched out before me for the taking hah. I had fun going swimming (albeit illegally) in the morning, walking over to the beach for coffee and a good book, and generally just walking around and exploring places on my own. I was never bored or lonely. Or maybe I'm just good at entertaining myself haha. But yeah, I will miss those times.

Oh, and The Jamie is back! I can't believe 2 years are already gone and she's finally back home haha. We can resume our makan adventures anddd... WWF is finally on track to full attendance at last :) This makes me so happy haha.

Anyway, while we're on the topic about waiting, here's a beautiful song about waiting for The One (if there ever is such a thing) to finally show up. I'm a sap cuz this actually made me shed a few tears haha.

Madi Diaz - Love You Now

So find me

When you want to find me

Say you want me badly

Let me know somehow