feels like insomnia ah ah

Don't you just HATE insomnia??? I abhor it. Being the pig I am, sleep is one of the few pleasures in my life and being robbed of sleep involuntarily (excluding the times when it was work-related) just SUCKS.

This usually happens to me when I have to wake up really early the next morning, or when I am particulary troubled (usually the former haha). How ironic to lose sleep, just when you need it the most. Anyway what I really hate is the tossing and turning in the dark, when you can hear every little sound in the house, and when your head is full of crazy thoughts. It's really just the helplessness of it all, because nothing you do seems to be able to lull you to sleep, whether you try to read your notes, read a book, or even count sheep. Then the next morning (after a short nap), I'll get a bad headache and will get all cranky and have to survive on large amounts of coffee. And for the next few nights, you're afraid to go to bed because you have developed a phobia of insomnia haha. Argh it's horrible.

"People were always getting ready for tomorrow. I didnt believe in that. Tomorrow wasnt getting ready for them. It didnt even know they were there."

"You forget what you want to remember, and you remember what you want to forget."

"Listen to me, he said, when your dreams are of some world that never was or some world that never will be, and you're happy again, then you'll have given up. Do you understand? And you can't give up, I won't let you."

"Borrowed time and borrowed world and borrowed eyes with which to sorrow it."

- Cormac McCarthy, "The Road"

Even if you wanted to
Even if you could,
You can't say no

Is it weird if I said I miss school? Ok la, not really the lessons (esp. Prod and Brand eew), but the people. It's kinda sad that many of my friends are already graduating this sem :(

I miss the times spent gossiping about other people in class, complaining about lecturers, doodling on each others' notes, and those Entrep meetings spent thinking up classy and zai names for our products then anyhow making irrational decisions for more serious stuff. Oh and of course camping at QY's house hahah. I'm joking about the last one.

It's been a tough, but enjoyable last sem :) But school's gonna be boring next sem sigh.

I'm extremely bored now. I don't wanna watch webcasts. I don't wanna apply for internships. Speaking of which, I think I should start making backup plans in the (very likely) event that I don't get any internship. I wanna do something meaningful. But not rag, no no.

And I MISS WWF and everyone else!! We better meet up soon before we forget what each other look like hahah.

Never say
You'll never leave
Cuz you'll never know til you try

Rachael Yamagata!

Just came back from the Rachael Yamagata concert I was so excited about. And she did not disappoint!! Honestly, FOB really paled in comparison to Rachael Yamagata (RY). Or maybe I'm just biased cuz I'm a big RY fan haha. But really, tonight's concert felt more personal and sincere, cuz of all the audience interaction and quality performances. Her voice was superb, even though she said she had a cold (she was coughing between verses on one song). That's one cold I wouldn't mind having, cuz she sounded really good haha. I think even better than on CD.

I really enjoy concerts that are intimate, at smaller venues, and that aren't so rowdy. The acoustics are better, and you feel even closer to the singer. RY really made an effort to let the audience know her better, cuz of all the funny banter and interaction. Like about her past relationships and her experiences during the recording of her album. She also revealed some of the inspiration behind her songs, which helped me appreciate the song even more cuz at least I know the context. This also helped the audience to really see her as a person, and not just as a voice, albeit a really good one haha.

Even though she had a cold, and was really suffering after the 25-hour flight (she looked super chui up close, like with puffy eyes and all), her performances were still top-notch, especially those quiet songs where it's just her and her piano/guitar. You can hear all the raw emotion coming through. There was a good mix of songs too, with both quiet and noisier numbers (complete with a full band, including a cellist).

This one's about her intending to cheat on her boyfriend ("evil thoughts"), but not doing so in the end.

I only managed to take a few videos, cuz I didn't want to get scolded by the Esplanade ushers. And it's a pity my camera's zoom isn't very powerful, so I couldn't get a nice shot of her performance :( I did catch her up close during the autograph session though, and as you can see, she looks seriously messed up haha.

All in all, tonight's concert was seriously the best I've ever been to. It's the little personal touch that made the difference, cuz if I only wanted to hear songs I'd rather listen to the CD than go to the concert. If anything, this concert made me a bigger fan! It made me want to rush home and start listening to all her songs again haha. And of course, I can't wait for RY to perform in Singapore again!

It's not about geography or happenstance
Your need to fly and take a chance
Your need to shine to emptiness
And float on high and forever dance alone

This birthday, all I want is to..

Get through tomo. Argh Asian Markets is killing meee!! 10 chapters!! It doesn't help that I have no idea what's going on for Product and Brand, when my test is in 2 hours.

Get a freaking internship. Seriously la, am I that lousy and unqualified??

Go to Europe! Ok maybe that's asking for too much haha. I just want to go overseas.

Otherwise, I realize birthdays become less significant as you get older. Or maybe cuz I'm just too pre-occupied with other things.

And omg, where did the previous year go?? It seemed like only yesterday when I was blindfolded and packed into a car, surprised with a cake, got drunk and puked, among other things haha. And now I'm OLD.

Ok anyway, tata, gotta go salvage my academic life.

by His wounds

Because it is the Good Friday and Easter Sunday weekend, I feel that I should share this video with everyone out there. It's part of an email sent by another friend, and I hope this will be able to touch you as much as it did for me.

Why did this man have to die, if he was innocent?
Then really consider these implications:
-IF this man died for the reason said in the Bible,

1) then we all definitely will face judgment.
2) then we all will face the consequences of our sin--> eternal death and separation from God (this one no joke man)
3) then we all will have no hope, because there is nothing we can do to redeem ourselves, or make ourselves acceptable to God.
4) then only by His Wounds We are Healed--> meaning only His sacrifice make us acceptable to God, because He doesn't see our sins anymore (overlooks it)
But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:5
5) then only when we accept this sacrifice, we can have a personal relationship with God,
-we don't need to pay for our sins, we are no longer subject to God's wrath
-and we can have joy in our lives, living it with true purpose and meaning.
-we realise we no longer need to live our lives to please Man or by their standards(which is rather corrupt I have to say), but please God.
-we can look forward to spending eternity with God.

I am really blessed to have a friend who cares so much that she bothers to take time out to type out emails like this to remind me of my priority in life, which is to love and glorify God. And of course the constant need to reach out to others that do not know Him yet. Sometimes we get so carried away with our busy schedules that we forget that the person who is supposed to take top priority is Jesus. Even now, sometimes I forget to behave like a follower of Christ and instead lose myself in the frivolities of the world. And I'm really afraid that one day I may just get so caught up, that I will forget about His sacrifice and take everything for granted. Therefore it is really important to continually renew my faith in Him, and re-examine where He stands in my life.

I'm not trying to convert anyone, and maybe you have heard this all before, but I'm just hoping to share what this important occasion means to me (and to every Christian) :)

"You can sleep when you're dead!"

Look familiar?

And here's the motto of the sem (or rather my whole NUS career):
Haha! 14 more days!!

I hate it when life suddenly throws something at you out of the blue. It leaves you floundering and lost, not to mention extremely stressed. Thus the self-imposed insomnia and ponning school. But I need to get used to this.

Today's project/gossip session was hilarious. Remind me to share the story of the horny, towel-draped, track couple from hall who had a midnight run to the SRC. Oh and the Prince at KE7. Hahah! NUS is happening.

Well now everything dies, baby that's a fact
But maybe everything that dies someday comes back

keep breathing

I'm in an extremely bad mood right now, and I need to vent before I burst from all the pent-up frustration. I think I've already gone past the threshold of stress. Right now, I'm seriously just FED UP with school. With bloody Entrep and the stupid simulation that we spend an average of 4 hours on weekly (that's at least 24 hours in total this sem), all for just a measly 10% of our grade. And for all our hard work, we don't seem to be performing well. There's also the stupid case analysis, which is so freaking confusing. In addition, I still have to do the dumb Drugs and Society poster. And prepare for all the presentations/reports coming up. Not to mention apply for internships, which is an extremely demoralising process. $*(#*$&&*&#^$*&#&#$*&!!!

Sometimes I really question what I'm studying so hard for. Ok maybe cuz my most important role in life right now is to be a student, therefore obviously I should do my best to excel. At first, it gives me some purpose, and maybe some accomplishment when I do well. But after a while, it just gets exhausting. You start wishing there was a deeper level of meaning behind the endless mugging. Like I said before, mugging probably gets you a nice job. But after that, the cycle repeats itself when you strive for the next promotion. So stupid right.

Anyway, sometimes I think I draw too clear a line between my secular and christian life. Is there even supposed to be a line anyway? I know I'm supposed to apply my Christian beliefs and morals into every aspect of my life, but it's hard when you don't wanna feel left out and look like a suaku, especially when the "worldly" way makes more sense. Like when we had a class discussion about whether you, as a manager, should engage in bribery to carry out business overseas, cuz that's the norm in that particular country and bribery makes everything more efficient and effective. The business side of me approves, but my conscience really couldn't take it. So we were arguing about whether morality should play a part in business, and like almost 3/4 of the class says it shouldn't. I disagreed, but I really couldn't think of any concrete points to support my stand, apart from "it just isn't humane or fair". Anyway the conclusion was to do whatever you think you should do, ie. if you don't wanna bribe, then just don't work in that country or quit your company. Which wasn't really a conclusion. Urgh, I shudder to think of all the similar debates and moral dilemmas awaiting me when I graduate.

Anyway what I'm trying to say, is that being in this world, but not of this world is super hard. It's so easy to just go with what the world says, and ignore your religious obligations. And it's quite dangerous cuz if I set aside my beliefs often enough, I won't have much conviction (or even a conscience) left. And I don't wanna be a "Sunday Christian", whose holiness is just long enough to last through church service once a week. But I'm grateful for what a dear friend once said to me, "Before you do all these worldly things, ask yourself if it'll glorify God. If it doesn't, then what for you wanna go ahead and do it? It won't achieve anything."

On a more positive note, contrary to my usual grumbling about long bus rides to/from school, I think sometimes I really enjoy them haha. Although a trip takes an hour, it's actually very scenic. It's like taking a tour bus sometimes haha. When I go to school, there's the Esplanade and Merlion on the left. And the view of Marina Bay at 8am is really superb. I can't wait for the IR to be finished, cuz then the waterfront will look even prettier. And when I'm going home, there's the view of City Hall, the War Memorial, and the tall Swissotel towers. The best time is in the evening, when you get to see the sun setting between the skyscrapers. Nice. I wish I could take pictures but my phone is really laggy (by the time the camera starts, the bus would've already went by), and I don't wanna risk looking like a tourist haha. If you still don't know where I'm talking about, it's the part from Suntec to the Esplanade Bridge.

I wonder why I've never really noticed all these things before, despite taking bus no. 10 almost everyday for the past 3 years. Probably cuz it's only recently that my days begin earlier and end later haha. How sad. Nevertheless, all the nice scenery help to make my day a little bit brighter :)

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing