"I did not expect it to be so easy to find happiness. I was twenty one years old when I met her. I still drank Bailey's Irish Cream and I still listened to Oasis. I feel funny even writing that down. Six years later, I don't do these things. I pour M red wine and we put on Ethiopiques. In the morning we kiss goodbye and in the evening we ride our bikes over overpasses, along canals. You cannot see the stars in the city but still we lie on our backs in the grass and we pretend we can, like when I was twenty one and she swept me off my feet. Six years. I did not expect it to be so easy to find happiness.

Last night she turned to me with colour in her cheeks and she said something that felt complicated and direct and unwavering, like she was taking my hand and putting it in a fire, and taking my eyes and making me see that our hands were in a fire. As she spoke, I listened without any confusion, because she is M. I watched each expression flicker across her face. Colour in her cheeks. In my heart I said, secretly, Okay, enough. Let's. Let's. All our lives, we shall lie in the grass and see certain stars that one-another has imagined."

- 'Until', Said the Gramophone 

These sentiments: at once incomprehensible and illogical, and yet to you they're as clear as day that you wonder, 'Why does no one else see what I see?' 

Do I wish to be overcome with these feelings, these giddy sensations? Heck yes. Someday, maybe.

But for now, it is enough to know that they exist and once existed. 

The irony of going on holiday when you're an employed person is that even though you have the spending power, you don't have the time. My Aussie holiday was 4 months of planning, but only took a fraction of that time - 7 days is too short! Ah Aussie, there's so much to love about you.

After the harrowing trauma Qantas put me through for a week before the trip, I finally managed to get my butt on the plane to Melbourne, bar the minor scare when they put me on Emirates at the last min. The flight back from Sydney was so much better though. I got to sit the A380! Bigger seats, smoother flight, decent food. Small note: every airline should give you a bottle of water at the beginning of the flight. That'll save you from the risk of dehydration and the pain of having to call the flight attendant frequently for a small cup of water. And kudos for the awesome hot choc/peppermint tea after the meal.

Melbourne is a charming city! I really love the awesome cafes (didn't get to try all the recommended ones though), and laidback and chill atmosphere going on there. Or maybe it's just the abundance of fabulous coffee - my first cup at St Kilda really cemented my love for Melbourne haha. Starbucks should seriously just close down. I'm gonna be savouring (and hoarding) those coffee grounds I bought back. And maybe get a decent machine too.

When I'm travelling, I'm most at my element when I can just wander around streets aimlessly and stop at interesting places at my own leisure. This is why I prefer cities to the countryside (more on that later), cuz somehow they allow you the pleasure of anonymity cuz you can just blend in with the other faces and pretend you're a local. Although of cuz that illusion fades once you whip out your camera and that clueless tourist expression comes out. So yeah on the first day, it was fun just wandering around St Kilda (although it was swarming with tourists), hanging out a friend's place watching TV and eating fish & chips. Even shopping was fun, like on Thurs when we discovered this really cool vintage camera shop (owned by the old Cantonese lady) and got some cool stationery. I sound like a loser but I guess I really just like the normal-ity of it and how regular it feels even though it's no diff from hanging out at home haha.

But anyway, I did go out of the city and we rented a car for the Great Ocean Road and Phillip Island. Driving was an experience, esp for someone like me who only drives once a week in Singapore. So imagine my horror when I realized I was gonna be the only driver cuz Lauren's license expired. But it all went swellingly well haha. The Great Ocean Road was windy but there were barriers in case I careened off into the ocean so it wasn't as dangerous as I'd thought haha. And this is the first time I drove for 3 hours at a stretch! Those "sleep and you die" signs helped too. Our little Toyota Yaris was also really easy to drive, but I guess anything's better than my magic school bus at home haha. Oh and I managed to parallel park on the first try! and mastered that uniquely Melbourne creature that is the hook turn (after I got honked at) :D

The Great Ocean Road had really superb views, and thankfully we had very good weather that day :) All blue blue sky, with the blue blue ocean. I would've liked to spend more time just sitting there admiring the scenery but regretfully we had to go. But at least we got to see the Twelve Apostles (only seven left). I think I'll move here after I retire, or after I marry a rich guy, whichever comes first haha.

Phillip Island was another treat, this time for its wildlife. We got to meet koala bears, kangaroos, wallabies and plenty of obnoxious peacocks and horny seagulls. And oh yeah, the famous Penguin Parade. Those little penguins are "aw shucks" cuteeee waddling up the beach. And they're soooo many of them - like 1516 or something the night we were there. Fun fact: female penguins select males by the burrows they've built (there's an open house too) and by how fat they are. We need to implement this system among humans. Boys should absolutely come with houses, cuz I can't afford them. So we saw the cute wildlife, and thankfully didn't meet any of the bazillion other dangerous creatures Australia is famous for haha.

And here's why I don't like the countryside as much as I enjoy the scenic landscape. I just don't enjoy living there. We stayed at this cabin on Phillip Island that came with plenty of spooks. Actually it's all our active imagination but I think the countryside quiet contributed a lot too. It's so quiet it's deafening. And it amplifies all those little noises that you hear all around you but have absolutely no idea where it's coming from. So basically we lay in our bed, scaring ourselves sleepless (or more like, Lauren poked me awake at every bump in the night). And we missed our surfing lesson the next morn! :( But yeah looking back, it's actually pretty hilarious. At least now we've established the fact that I'm strictly a city girl.

Yarra Valley was ok, a little meh though the tour at Domaine Chandon was quite educational. I think the drive there was more interesting. We were basically driving through the forest - like small windy road flanked by tall tall trees with bits of light peeking through, and no phone reception. It was fun, but after a while I was ready for concrete highway haha. Oops, there goes my city girl side again haha.

Speaking of phones, I dunno if it's a curse that I'm so reliant on being connected. I mean, it was great to be able to whatsapp, use Google Maps, upload FB photos and google anything on the go. But isn't a holiday meant for you to disconnect from everyone else? But yet, I don't wanna miss anything while I'm gone! I bet my parents had better, more relaxing holidays in their time. I blame it on the iPhone haha.

So, Sydney. Can I just say that free walking tours are the best idea ever to promote tourism?? You pay the guide in tips that you think he deserves and in return you get really educational insider knowledge of the city. (But yeah, we probably won't be able to sustain this in Singapore. We're too cheap, and it's hard to find someone who's willing to work for peanuts.) Anyway we looked at old buildings and heard interesting stories. Then dropped out to take the ferry to Manly, mainly to enjoy the view of the Opera House and Harbour Bridge, and get a tan at the same time. If I ever return to Sydney I'd really wanna visit Manly Beach. This time we only went to Bondi, initially with the intention to do the coastal walk to Coogee. But those plans went out the window the moment we saw the pristine beaches, blue blue surf, and the warm warm sun. And also peer pressure, from those hundreds of other pple just laying there. I felt overdressed in my tshirt so we went and bought bikinis and just splayed out on the beach until it got too cold haha. Best change of plans, ever. Though I didn't get the tan I wanted (my right side is darker from the time on the ferry) haha.

At night, we decided to act atas and dress up (sans makeup for me) to go up to this bar in Sydney Tower. Note to self: I really need to remember to bring a proper dress with makeup the next time I travel. I felt so inadequate in that classy place haha. But anyway, the drinks were expensiiiveee. And I didn't even finish it! Thanks to the 3 diff vodkas in it, I was already tipsy and super flushed a quarter into my drink. I'm such a lightweight haha. But oh well, it's nice to pretend to be rich and classy occasionally. You only live once right.

The last day, I wandered around Sydney alone (after Lauren left) and found myself at a flea market. It was awesome and I got to meet another Singaporean who was manning one of the stalls there. Speaking of striking conversations with strangers, I think I've never gotten the hang of that. I still don't really know what to say when pple ask me how I'm doing, and I'm always caught off-guard when strangers talk to me and end up coming off as socially retarded. It's a Singaporean thing; we just prefer not to acknowledge each other if we can help it :S But yeah I'm trying to work on that cuz it's always interesting to get to know others.

Oh also, can I just state that I never wanna stay in hostels again? They're cheap, yes, but I would very much prefer clean (and private) bathrooms, and some quiet at night. I think I'm getting too old for communal living and finding bras outside when I leave in the morn.

All in all, I'll really miss the charm and laidback-ness of Australia and its people (many many good-lookers over there, gosh those BLUE EYES haha). That said, I think this trip wasn't long enough and I'd definitely go back soon for more! For now, I'm thoroughly exhausted and totally NOT ready for work :( Though I can say that I do feel more refreshed emotionally and spiritually. And well, I still have a few more days of leave to clear so that's something to look forward to haha.

Emmy The Great - Paper Forest (In the Afterglow of Rapture)


You're not unlucky, you're just not very smart.
These things will never leave you - they're as close as you can get
To a blueprint for the future - but you can call it fate.
It's like these days I have to write down almost every thought I've held,
So scared I am becoming of forgetting how it felt,
And these fears they will unravel me one day,
But still I am afraid.

But I'm blessed - 
Just to be, more or less - 
Standing in the afterglow of rapture with the words the rapture left.
Oh blessed - 
Just to be, more or less - 
Standing in the afterglow of rapture with the words the rapture left.

Now you're blessed amongst all women,
Now a man who's very good,
He tells you how you feel until your life is understood,
And he leads you through it arm in arm as though
There was a map to guide the way.
Now you write because you love him, now you write because he's kind,
You write so much, you look up and you wrote yourself behind,
And you're standing in a labyrinth of paper and the map has been erased.

But you're blessed - 
Just to be, more or less - 
Standing in the afterglow of rapture with the words the rapture left.
Are you blessed?
Just to be, more or less?
Now you're standing in the afterglow of rapture, but there is no rapture left.

Oh come, and we will celebrate the things that make us real, 
The things that break us open, and the things that make us feel
Like these accidental meetings up and partings of the way
Are not so much our choice but in the blood of how we're made,
It's like the way I have to write down almost everything I see,
So that the record does obscure the thing the record used to be,
And I know I'm not unlucky,
I was just born this way.

But I'm blessed.

Now a paper forest grows up in the supermarket aisles,
The baby born with teeth looks at its mother and it smiles,
And we all fall down
Like wind blows through the paper forest.
And a paper forest grows up in the supermarket aisles,
The baby born with teeth looks at its mother and smiles,
And we all fall down
As wind blows through the paper forests
And a paper forest grows up in the supermarket aisle
Alarm clock fingers turn they're counting seconds like they're miles
And you say, "wake up now, 'cause I can see no paper forest."

(This new blogger interface is making me a little confused.)


Yesterday at cell group we were asked what was a motto/saying/verse that drives us, or determines how we live each day? For example, for someone it was "to be Number 1" (she's in sales). But for someone else, it was Psalm 143:8 - 


"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life."


I thought that verse was pretty good. 


Honestly, this question really caught me off-guard and I had a difficult time thinking of something. What I came up with was, "to try my best in everything I do" which is half-true. Anyway it was a lame response (I really need to sit down to find a Biblical verse that will probably work better), but it got me thinking about my attitude towards work and life.


There were a few in the group who talked about finding it hard to let go and not control every little detail in their plans. So their motto was basically to give it up to God. For me it's the exact opposite.


I love having little/NO control. I'm basically content to just bask in the background and let others settle the problems. I don't like responsibility, and having others look to me for answers and solutions. I'm the kinda person who prefers to go with the flow, and react to the situation rather than act and initiate something. I mean, I like some responsibility so I don't feel like I'm completely useless. And I like to manage projects to keep myself occupied (and again, to make myself look useful). But I don't like having to helicopter-manage, ie. to oversee everything and make important decisions for everyone. 


I think it's partly cuz I'm afraid of the consequences if I screw up, but it's probably cuz I'm such a lazy bum. I run in the face of difficulty and would rather distract myself with something unimportant instead of focusing on the problem at hand. I only get my act together when there's a fire literally burning under my backside. My academic life was mostly made up of last-minute papers and reports cobbled together through sleepless nights and lotsa coffee. But God really blessed me, in the sense that my last minute shit always turns out well. Maybe that's why I'm like this.


I'm so used to things eventually sorting themselves out, and maybe I totally misconstrued the idea of letting God take over control. I get so complacent that sometimes I literally just think to myself, "Oh, God will take care of this. I'll just sit back and let Him do His work." Only right now am I realizing how I've completely twisted this away from its rightful meaning.


For example, I'm not gonna lie but I'm facing some tough crap at work right now. Basically I'm managing failing products. Granted, they've been failing even before I joined. But now everyone's looking to me to resuscitate them. I mean, I really want to love my products but it's so hard when even I, myself sometimes don't see the point of having them. They're like the fake cardboard cut-out shrubbery/trees in a school production - you kinda need them but you won't notice them if they're gone. Or, to put it more bluntly, like trying to love the ugly and bratty kids in a kindergarten class. You know they deserve love too, but urgh it's so hard.


This can go both ways - either I work some magic and turn them into stars, or I completely suck at it and get fired (this might not be true, but I'm not taking any chances). I guess my main difficulty now is to get my ass up and get this project running without having my boss breathe down my neck, or worse, looking at me with disappointment. I think I'm more afraid of the latter. So the past week, I've been doing what I usually do - distract myself and dabble in other things instead of tackling this straight-on. It sucks. It's like inertia, I know I have to do it but I don't know how and I don't want to cuz I don't know how. Despite saying that I want to do my best in everything, it's getting to the doing part that's the hardest for me (which is why it's half-true). So I continued to drag until I can't anymore. What I should've been doing was to really go to God first, instead of letting myself get caught up in this vicious and unproductive cycle.


I think sometimes God just lets the situation get so bad that we have no choice but to go to Him on our knees. Cuz otherwise we'd just be wholly content to rely on our own wits, or even worse, take Him for granted and think that He will sort it out without our asking. Then we'd never realize that He is what we really need. Instead of choosing to wallow in a mix of panic/despair/blame (eg. why do I have to be saddled with the runts in the company??), then going about my own human (and really dumb) way of dealing with it ie. getting distracted with other things or complaining, I should've immediately turned to God for help.   


"I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:13  


How true. Only God can really give me the perseverance, discipline and wisdom to sort out all my crap. All I need do is ask, and obey. It's a simple solution, if only I didn't take so long to figure it out. So it is with renewed strength and motivation that I hope I can go about this mission of reviving my dying babies. From another perspective, this might actually a good opportunity for God to reveal His glory and for Him to do work His blessings in my life. All I have to do is to take hold of it and trust that His plans for me are good.


And firstly of course, to get off of my lazy bum.


ps. I'm really tired so I don't know if I'm making any sense. It's just really cathartic to get all my thoughts and troubles out, and to use this as a reminder in case I ever falter.

this living

There’s little in taking or giving,
There’s little in water or wine;
This living, this living, this living
Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
And rest’s for a clam in a shell,
So I’m thinking of throwing the battle —-
Would you kindly direct me to hell?


- "Coda", Dorothy Parker

good times never last.

I hate being blindsided. There I was, living in my own happy little bubble thinking that everything is A-Ok. Then something like this just has to happen. I guess it's true that good times never last.

First, the happy stuff:

Port Dickson was awesome. I really have to thank God on so many levels! Most importantly that I'm back in SG in one piece, esp since we went in a crappy excuse for a car. Many times during our journey, I felt like I was in the twilight zone - smoke coming out of our aircon vents, a wiper that makes the windscreen more blurry, an accelerator that has a delayed reaction even after flooring, and a super inaccurate GPS. Let's not even mention the worn out interior - splashes of red paint on the seat, a panel held together with blu-tack, etc.

Moral of the story: Never rent from a cheap car rental, no matter how attractive the price. There's a reason why it's cheap.

But I'm really glad our car (aka Bobby), or rather the passengers, was so fun. It truly was an adventure haha. I think our ridiculous situation prob helped to up the levels of crazy.

My virgin go-kart experience was a success too! 10 mins of pure excitement! And no accidents!!

As for our night activities, as usual there was lots of drinking. But no one passed out (unless it's out of pure exhaustion), and no one (ie. me) puked. It was quite an eye-opener to see the managers getting all crazy and initiating pillow fights though haha. I hope I can maintain a straight face in front of them in the office.

Seriously, I'm so blessed that God has placed all these nice people in my workplace around me, esp cuz there are quite a few Christians. I don't think I've ever had a manager pray with me before (we were praying for a safe journey in Bobby), and prob never will again. So yeah, that was another eye-opener haha.

And now, the horrible stuff:

So there I was, basking in the warm and blissful afterglow of this wonderful trip - it only lasted for an hour I think. And then I'm hit out of nowhere with really shitty news. Sometimes I think I'd rather be kept in the dark forever. Ignorance really is bliss.

Till now, I'm unable to give any clear explanations let alone give any possible solutions. Heck, it is not even my position to provide resolutions or to make any judgments. I can only say that in many ways, this is a wakeup call. But it doesn't reduce the anxiety and disappointment though. I can only pray and hope in the Lord, be as objective as I can, and show love no matter how difficult it is right now.

It's times like these that I really hate humans. Why do we (myself included) always complicate and hurt our relationships? I'm starting to lose hope.

There’s been some miscalculations,
there’s no room left to stand.

better off

#1 peeve with work:

I'm seriously very concerned about this drinking "problem" that I have/am developing. Maybe I'm just exaggerating cuz once/twice a week probably doesn't warrant being called a problem. But still.

I hate drinking for the sake of it.

Seriously, is there NO other way to have fun? The only things I get out of it are a throbbing headache, dulled senses, and nausea. I'm fine with alcohol if it's to chill out over good conversation with good friends, or just enough to loosen me enough that I can go onto the dancefloor without caring too much about looking like an uncoordinated idiot.

But I'm not ok if it becomes a pointless competition to see how much you can take, or if the end-goal is to get wasted. It's gross. So I guess it's a good thing that I managed to puke before 7pm last week at the D&D (after just 1 and a half martinis - another record). I don't mind looking like a loser if it means I don't have to, or rather can't, be forced to down more alcohol than I can stand.

Conclusion: I need more guts to resist the pressure of colleagues. Or I just need to puke more often. Cuz there's a limit to my liver and bank account.

Other than that annoying peeve, work and colleagues (when sober) have been great. Which I'm seriously more than grateful for :)

On the personal front, is it worrying that I'm really not that concerned about my single status? Maybe cuz I've been distracted enough that I haven't been thinking seriously about it. Or maybe it's just that I can't really see myself being attached to ONE person for the rest of my life. Ok sometimes I do wish I had a constant in my life; someone who is always there for me to rant to, confide in, or share my lame thoughts with. But these moments are fleeting and pass as quickly as they come. I'm not about to dress up/wear more makeup just cuz it'll get more boys interested haha. I don't wanna be in a relationship just cuz it's the social expectation and it's what everyone has. On the other hand, I also don't wanna hang around till I'm old and 'undesirable'.

Maybe the reason why I'm still single is cuz I lack a sense of urgency haha. But still, I'm sticking to my motto of, 'if it happens, it happens'. And really, I just haven't met someone who's managed to catch and hold onto my (very fickle) interest. For now, I'm happy just prancing around doing what I like and enjoying this season of singlehood :)

Summer Camp - Better Off Without You

I think this song sums up what I feel about relationships right now hahah. Granted it's about an awful ex, but it's so ridiculously catchy and sing-out-loud that I think it applies to single ladies in general.

And if you said you'd never waste my time
I'd be so happy, I'd be so happy