deuxième

Now that I'm going to be starting another job/phase of my life (for the second time), it's time to reflect on the journey of the past few months. And I have much to be thankful for:

It's seriously been a long period of searching. When I first started, I set myself the deadline of April. But April quickly came and went, and I was still jobless. And it's not like I haven't been trying. I've gone for countless (like seriously, I lost count) interviews and assessments. I've written faux proposals, press releases, sat for tests/essays, gave a nerve-wracking presentation, and even built a box for ping pong balls (but I must say, that was really fun!). Every call I got was an opportunity and a hope that this could be it. But after all that, I never got a single job offer. Which sucks. And I realized that when it comes to life, it's futile to set deadlines of any sort because if it's not the time, it's not the time. (Of course this doesn't really apply to real work deadlines haha.)

But God is faithful. He remembered me even as I sat around being despondent and discouraged. He blessed me with things to occupy/apply myself to, ie. helping with props for the Easter musical, DLTP, leading Bible study, a job at the father's company, my recently discovered interest in music blogging. Most importantly, I was constantly reassured and encouraged by friends around me. And then, He answered my call out of the blue.

This job was totally unexpected in many ways. For instance, after the nightmare of travelling from East to West the last time, I told myself (and everyone) that I will never go back to Jurong. But oh look, I'm back there again! And at a location even further and more inaccessible than last time. Looking back, I can only laugh at my naivety that I can be so sure of something. I guess this only proves that God works in ways we can't possibly fathom. We may decide on our plans, but in the end He decides our final actions and works events out in ways that achieve His will and purpose.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." - Proverbs 16:9

It's crazily ironic, and I still can't really make sense of this haha. I'm just super thankful that they have private transportation from Paya Lebar (and that HR wasn't bluffing me when they told me I have a seat), which is probably as good as it can get. And of course, I can only continue trusting that God's hand is in all of this, and that there's a reason why I'm back in Jurong.

As for the job, I think I'm equal parts excited and anxious. Excited because it's a great company, and I'm doing something entirely new to myself; I literally have zero experience and no idea about what to expect. And that's where the anxiety comes in. Cuz there's lots of uncertainty, especially doubts about whether I have the ability to do the job well. And really, there's the great fear that this time will be as miserable as the previous experience especially now that I can't get out so easily. But I can definitely say that I'm more optimistic than when I first started the last time. But yeah, I will try to level my expectations and not get too carried away by all the good things that I'm hearing before I even start.

At the end of the day, I think it's all about greeting each day and challenge with a cheerful heart and attitude. It's easy to say now, because I know for sure that there will be days when I get so frustrated I wanna scream and shoot someone (or myself). But I guess what I've learnt from the previous time is that I really need to keep my emotions and pride in check if I wanna get the most of out of anything. I need to remember to bring all my feelings of injustice and frustration to God for Him to deal with, instead of rashly taking things into my own hands and ruining the entire situation.

I have a feeling the next 6 months are gonna be tough :( But I have hope that I am here for a reason (aka Why I'm Back in Jurong), and that the Lord is with me and will help me accomplish all this, if I trust and obey.

Finally, these past few months of bumming and slumming around have actually been enriching. For one, I've learnt that it's actually pretty ok to be alone (cuz everyone else was working or busy having a life). It may sound like I'm trying to console myself but honestly, I really enjoyed the solitude and the freedom of having endless days stretched out before me for the taking hah. I had fun going swimming (albeit illegally) in the morning, walking over to the beach for coffee and a good book, and generally just walking around and exploring places on my own. I was never bored or lonely. Or maybe I'm just good at entertaining myself haha. But yeah, I will miss those times.

Oh, and The Jamie is back! I can't believe 2 years are already gone and she's finally back home haha. We can resume our makan adventures anddd... WWF is finally on track to full attendance at last :) This makes me so happy haha.

Anyway, while we're on the topic about waiting, here's a beautiful song about waiting for The One (if there ever is such a thing) to finally show up. I'm a sap cuz this actually made me shed a few tears haha.

Madi Diaz - Love You Now

So find me

When you want to find me

Say you want me badly

Let me know somehow

oops, i did it again

I wrecked the car again. Full-on scraped the paint off the side and leaving a crazy dent.

So stupiddd. EVERYTIME. It happens EVERYTIME.

I don't know whether to blame the size of the car, or the stupid ghetto (meaning small dark and cramped) multi-storey carpark. Or it's just my sucky driving skills. But I mean, I haven't been in an accident for over 2 years! So it can't be that bad right?

For some reason though, my mum wasn't too upset about this. And almost sounded gleeful that I'm paying for it.

Mum: Do you wanna hear the good news or bad news first?

Me: Sigh. Just tell me how much it costs.

Mum: I brought it to the workshop in Ubi and they told me it's $450. (Me: O.O) So I brought it to Tampines and they told me it's only $250! *smiles brightly*

Me: Sigh.

So there goes my first paycheck, before I've even started work.

Sidenote: I dunno if it's a good or bad thing that my car's such a regular at 3 workshops.

Fence me in and keep me close to you.

girl power

Here are a few of the songs that formed the soundtrack to my formative years. Not that I understood any of the lyrics then, but I definitely have a newfound appreciation of them now.

These are songs that I know all the words to, and can't help but sing along with at the top of my lungs. Most importantly, they helped to shape and define what I would listen to years later.

Lisa Loeb - Stay (I Missed You)

Paula Cole - I Don't Want to Wait

Will it be yes or will it be
Sorry

Tracy Chapman - Fast Car

We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

Shawn Colvin - Sunny Came Home

She says days go by I don't know why
I'm walking on a wire

It makes me wonder if there are any female vocalists of equal calibre in this generation - who can sing with such tenderness and tell a vivid story with their finely placed words and a few strums of their guitar.

Should I be able to make my own decisions?

I want to. I want to be able to to experience all this for my own, to deal with the consequences on my own, and to fail if I have to.

You start to wonder just how much your parents are willing to treat you as a grown-up. At 24, I think I'm long past being qualified as an adult.

Is it because they still see me as a child, or have I not earned their trust? Have I approached this the wrong way?

In a different time and place, I'm sure this wouldn't even be up for debate.

I really want to be in a different time and place right now. And I'm tired of being held back by their decisions for me - and willingly, worse of all. All the talk of growing up and being responsible all seems moot when I haven't had the chance to do so.

This is an opportunity that probably won't come by again, in this time and place. It might seem rash and rebellious. But do you honestly think that I do not know the risks? I am fearful and wary and uncertain. I have no idea what I'm in for.

And that is precisely why I wanna do this.

Bro, to me before he left: "Take care of Mummy and Papa ok. Don't quarrel with them."

In moments like these, I feel like the younger sibling. There I am, worrying about him being overseas and instead he worries about others. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve a brother as selfless as him.

It takes someone close leaving before you realize just how much you've taken them for granted, and how much you actually treasure them. You wanna take back those moments when you snapped at them for no reason other than that you had a bad day and they happened to be in the way, or when you gave them clipped answers just cuz you couldn't be bothered to explain in detail.

But of course there were good times too. Like how my bro is always the one I sit next to at family dinners so we could talk crap to each other. Or how he always makes me laugh and makes my lousy day a teeny bit better just by saying something stupid or by hearing his nonsensical opera singing from the bathroom.

It's times like these that I feel like the unworthy and rotten hypocrite that I am. When someone I always nag at for not going to church is actually so much more of a nicer and bigger person than I am. My bro's always the one who thinks of others before himself, who willingly offered his laptop for loan to me last year, who actually went and bought a portable dvd player for my grandma when she was in hospital and does jigsaw puzzles with her. And all I've been doing is being a grouch and complaining when I'm asked to do something inconvenient.

Another example - Bro to mum: "Don't always scold Jiejie (Sis) ok. Don't quarrel with her."

As you can tell, our sibling relationship is a little skewed. Somehow he's the one I should be learning from. And now that he's away, I feel like I have to take up the responsibility that was always mine but that I never cared for.

Which begs the question: How am I supposed to be the light of the world when I am such a harbinger of doom and gloom even at home? As a Christian, I've basically failed.

I guess now is the time for reflection, and for stepping up. I need to try harder at spending time and helping out with my family, even if it means wanting to shoot myself sometimes when my mum makes me repeatedly go through the steps for installing an iPhone app. And also to try harder to rein in my bad temper and general stupid tendency to be self-absorbed and self-centred.

In the meantime, I hope my bro is having the time of his life in NYC (!!) and that he'll come back soon cuz our house is getting way too quiet.

Hypocrite, reader

My double, my brother

I love to write, I really do. Words have the power to inform and to affect, and knowing that my words have the ability to do that makes me really happy. And of course, my other love is music. Or rather, listening to it since I can't really play any instruments (unless you count knowing enough to plonk away at single notes on the keyboard). If I could, I would spend my days scouring the internetz for new artists/songs.

Actually I think I have music ADD. I flit from artist to artist, depending on my mood and whichever sounds nice to me at the moment. I think I only ever listen to my "Recently Added" playlist, because there is always something new to discover and get hooked on - however long that lasts. Sometimes I hear a song on the radio, then download it only to realize that I already have it haha.

Anyway it seems obvious that the best way to indulge both my loves is to write about music, right? But I seriously find it hard. I'm always struck by how reviewers do their jobs. Firstly, to me, music is all about the feelings they strike up in you when you listen. It isn't like describing solid products and rattling off their pros/cons. You can't hold music in your hands and talk about how practical/useful it is. You can only listen and let it reverberate and sink in. So how do you even transmute your intangible feelings into literate words, such that your reader is also able to feel exactly the way you felt? Shouldn't it be enough for the music to speak for itself? And of course, music is subjective. One man's poison is another's wine. So who am I to judge whether this song sounds better than the rest?

Plus in order to provide technically-sound critiques, you need a huge internal catalogue of knowledge in order to understand the band's inspirations, or how they've made a certain genre sound even better and made it their own (or not). And most importantly, it takes time to listen and form your opinion of the song/album.

In other words, writing about music (and anything, really) is a labour of love. You can't continue unless you seriously enjoy it.

I know all this cuz I've tried to do it on my tumblr (link here, and on the right for those who're interested). It started out mainly as a place for me post whatever songs/videos that I liked, ie. sorta for book-keeping purposes. Plus I happened to have a lot of time on my hands haha. Then I discovered that there are others (albeit strangers from across the sea) who like my posts enough to 'like'/reblog them, or even follow my blog. There's a certain satisfaction in knowing that there are people who appreciate and share your interests. So I considered actually writing blurbs to go with the audio/video, to like share my (humble) opinions. But when it came down to it, I realized how HARD it actually was haha. So I only write something when I'm moved/inspired enough to do so, and even then it's mostly just a few lines.

(I feel like I'm drifting further away from what the main point of this post was supposed to be. So I shall end my rambling soon.)

Anyway yea, so I'm trying to challenge myself to contribute more constructive posts. As hard as it might be, it keeps my brain from degenerating during this lull period. And it is good practice cuz I really hope to find a job that allows me to write creatively. But of course I hope I won't write stuff for the sake of it, or because I wanna pander to "the masses". I'll still keep it close to what I love, cuz that was the reason I even had the tumblr in the first place.

As much as "talk-ischeap" is a guilty pleasure, I hope to keep it up even after I find employment and real life restarts.

- end verbal diarrhoea -

PS. editing blogspot templates are a PAIN. I'm starting to despise blogspot for its general unfriendliness. But well, I'm going back to basics with this layout haha.

So black and blue

For you

I think I'm developing a phobia of interviews.

It probably explains my relief that my interview has been postponed.

Been hearing stories about friends of friends who took anything between 8 months to 1 year to find a job. But amazingly they all end happily with their dream jobs (one guy became a bus inspector haha). So then, if 8 months is what it takes to find the job that I like - where I don't have to force myself to look enthusiastic - and a job that likes me for who I am, then I'm down. But of course, I'm also hoping I won't have to wait that long haha.

In the meantime, I need a part-time job to keep myself occupied. Ice cream server, anyone?

Also, here's a janglin' summer tune to make the heatwave feel a little bit better.

Helena Beat by Foster The People