I dunno why, but I suddenly don't feel like going for FOC. No, it's not that I think it's gonna be a mess. I know we're gonna pull it off. I just... don't feel like moving? And I don't really look forward to running around camp doing all sorts of things. Just thinking about it makes me feel tired. And I haven't recovered from my flu and cough. In fact, I think my condition worsened after yesterday. Thank goodness I'm station master for 2 days, then I can just be stationary ('station' master, master of the stationary, hahah lame) where I am.

Then tomorrow the mc members might have to stay over in school to dunno do what. And we have to sleep in the HSS Audi :((( This is like rag preview. HOw to get enough sleep like that?? I'd probably be a walking zombie on Fri.

Ok shall stop complaining. Must look on the positive side of things!! FOC is gonna be fun! Hope I can get to know the other mc members better also. We are gonna make FOC rawk!

And I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well

"concern"

Why are we letting a perfectly well friendship go to pieces over a small misunderstanding? Ok maybe it wasn't small, more like years of accumulated misunderstandings. I realise humans are hard to forgive. You make a mistake and others will always use that mistake as a means to judge you. They might say you're forgiven, but it's all lip service. Of course you're never really forgiven. Others will always be wary of you, always watching and waiting for you to make the same mistake.

Anyway, is friendship based on common topics to talk about? And when there isn't anything in common left between each other, does this friendship go stale? Sure, you become friends because of something you have in common, like being in the same class, but surely you don't drift apart just cuz you're in different places?

If friendship is based on just having something in common, and not care and concern for each other, then it really isn't worth keeping. And don't say things like, "it's her fault that she's like that". It does take two hands to clap, so the blame can't all lie with the other party. Maybe sometimes we should examine ourselves first before putting all the blame on others. True friends accept you for who you are, but not when who you are is constantly jarring on their nerves. You don't have to change, you just have to learn to rein in that aspect of your character when you're around people who cannot stand it. Cuz honestly, sometimes even I get sick of it.

And yes I do believe in genuine concern. Heck, I've seen it. Maybe you don't know, cuz you haven't shown it to others. The world isn't as realistic as you make it out to be.

Ok I think I'm being increasingly direct with each sentence I type but I need to talk about this before I explode. I hate, no, I loathe it, when people like to ask for my results for comparisons sake. Don't give me nonsense like being concerned and stuff. Cuz if you are, I can tell. And believe me, you are nowhere near being concerned.

I can't believe I'm doing this tit-for-tat shit. It's childish.

And damn, I have freaking conjunctivitis in my right eye. And a flu. And a cough. Kns. I better recover before camp!! I can't wait for it to be over man.

we're all in the dance

I wonder what friends are really for. Haha yes I'm fine, and I love my friends very much. Just thinking about some random things.

You know, I suspect we have friends cuz of our own selfish desires for company. For a need to feel that we belong, and because we all need someone to listen to our gripes and complaints, to provide advice and help, and of course to share our joy. So we expect our friends to be near-perfect beings to suit our behavioural standards. Like she musn't be too clingy, she must give good advice, she must be able to take all my nonsense blah blah... So we expect others to change for us. We act all high and mighty, and say "it's all for your own good". But is it? Or is it for our own good? Sometimes maybe the problem isn't with them, but with ourselves. We take and take, but we don't give enough in return. Even if we give, how much of it is truly genuine?

And I hate it when I offer help but get shot down instead. If it's like that, I'd rather not help at all. I'm not that self-sacrificing. And sometimes, really, I don't wanna listen to your problems at all. I'm tired of providing advice that I'm not even sure is useful to you. But that's just sometimes. Most times I'm here to help :)

Anyway this thing in June is really demoralising. I don't want us to turn out to be severely lacking in many areas (like now). We have enormous shoes to fill and I don't want things to look like a farce. Maybe it's not going to be as fulfilling as I thought. RAHH. I can't wait for all this to be over. I hope things will change for the better soon.

We all go round and round
Partners are lost and found
Looking for one more chance
All I know is, we’re all in the dance

cozy and cold

So yesterday we had the Sentosa dry run thingy. It was boring, sad to say haha. Maybe cuz I didn't know a few of the pple there. I think even though bizad is relatively small, there're still many faces I haven't seen before. Or maybe I've just been cooped up in my own little world all this while haha.

Oh and at night we went to the Old Changi Hospital to try out the routes we've set out for camp. Ok I dunno if it's supposed to be a secret so maybe I shouldn't be talking about it here haha. Anyway yeah it was quite eerie and scary. Not to mention dangerous, because the whole place is practically falling apart, with pieces of shattered glass and concrete everywhere. But we went in a big group so it wasn't that bad. I think it's scary cuz pple make it out to be scary, and not because it's really "haunted". Oh well, what do I know. It's not like I'm gonna go and try out my theory anytime soon haha.

We travelled around in lorry also, so we were like a big group of banglas haha. But it was quite fun la, to feel the wind in your hair and everything. Except when it braked suddenly and everyone goes toppling over one another, and when the lorry would stall without warning in the middle of the road haha.

Shit I just received my results by post. I feel like giving it to my dog to eat. Pfft.

Sweetheart, bitter heart,
Now I can't tell you apart.
Cozy and cold,
Put the horse before the cart.

between the lines

I can't think, so I blog.

I have to think of this storyline for the FOC game I'm doing. Rahhh. Today is not a good day for my brain. And I have to come up with a publicity plan thingy for the magazine sponsorship meeting tomorrow. I CAN'T think of anything!!

And I think the dog's name will be Congee. It's pronounced con-jee right? Cuz his colour looks like a bowl of congee. And I like the "gee" behind. I think it makes him sound more adorable. My dad suggested Leslie. But I think it sounds too gay hahaha. So it shall be Congee until we think of a better alternative.

Congee likes to chew on my fingers. But I have to scold him whenever he bites down too hard. And now my fingers smell of dog saliva even after washing. He stinks too, but no one knows why. My mum is dying to give him a bath but he just had one a few days ago at the pet shop. And he sleeps alot.

Haha ok I feel like I'm giving a report on my baby. Pfft. I have to finish this stupid story but I have writer's block. How how how.

From time to time, I hear some secrets
and time after time, I read between the lines

love of my life

I have a new member in my family. He's a boy, and he's only 2 months old. And so far, he's still nameless. But he's the most adorable thing on earth. No my mum didn't just give birth haha, though she treats him like her baby.

We bought a new labrador pup! And man, it's hard work keeping a dog. You've gotta feed him and clean his shit and run after him whenever he goes too near the carpets ("NO BOY!!").

So yup. What an adorable thing he is right! He can only fall asleep when me or my mum are around. And he follows me around the house wherever I go haha. In short, he's the newest love of my life :) I just need a name for him hahaha.

analyze this

So today Shuqi was telling me some psychology thing about the 3 selves that come into play when interacting with someone. For example, your ideal self, actual self, and the self that the other person perceives interchange when you interact with someone else. So in a sense, you show others what you want them to see by changing your "self". Cheemology.

But I think in a way it's true. My theory is that it depends on how well you know the other party. If we've only met a few times, of course I'd show you my ideal self, and not my actual self. I'll also behave in the way that I think is acceptable to you. If you're some respectable person, then of course you'd almost never see my actual self. But if we're close friends, then what you see is what you get haha. Cuz then, I wouldn't be afraid to show you my actual self, no matter how stupid I'd look haha.

Aiya, then again, there really isn't a need to analyze everything. It's ok to take things at face value once in a while. Don't overcomplicate matters, cuz things are already complicated as it is. If you think too much, and try to look too much below the surface, you'd only end up hurting yourself. Some things are better left alone I guess. I used to analyze every little thing and every little gesture, but it didn't get me anywhere. Cuz really, many times, what you see is what you get. What is meant to be seen will eventually come out into the open sooner or later. So just wait for it.

Pfft. I dunno what I'm saying. I should go to bed.

I'm developing my sense of humor,
till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,
till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet.