looking back on 2012, I'd say it's been a great year. 

nothing drastic happened, and the small bumps were smoothed out pretty well.

I guess it could be better described as a year of growth - both at work, and as a person. I wouldn't say I'm a better person, but I definitely learned a lot more about myself.

-

Work-wise, the year started quite traumatically. we were barely holding the fort, and were basically running around like rabbits, patching holes here and there as they appeared. I was this close to the end of my tether. even after the team added some much-needed manpower, it was still quite stressful. a lot of things were top-down and we could only react and do as we're told (very begrudgingly). things happened, and we had to clean up the mess, even though sometimes it wasn't even my fault.

but I still had lots to be thankful about - an awesome teammate, boss (as annoying as he can be a lot of times), and colleagues. they've been really supportive, morale-boosters; people I can whine to, count on for help, and most importantly, let loose and be crazy with. they just make work fun. and honestly, such an environment is really really hard to come by. 

they've taught me to be appreciative, patient, objective (which is difficult cuz we're so close personally), and to be kind to others outside of my circle. cuz sometimes, that's all you really need to get things done quickly in your favour. in the coming year, I hope to be able to expand on all those attributes, especially in the most trying of times. it's easy to lose it and really give it to people cuz they deserve it, and it's in those times that I really need to apply God's grace and love. I've learnt that when you show kindness, it gets paid forward and in ways and times when you need it the most. 

in terms of work performance, I hope to also continue learning and applying. I'm thankful for this forgiving environment, where it's ok to make mistakes. this year, I can't say I'm the new girl anymore and in a sense there's less room for errors. so it's time to be more conscientious, hardworking, and motivated. I'm still trying to find out how to stay motivated, especially when I'm doing something difficult, or when I'm not interested. so that's the challenge for this year - to be enthusiastic and work hard!

-

outside of work, my second trip to Europe was an absolute blast. I had the best time just hanging out at Paris on my own. it showed me that I can be ok and still have fun by myself. or maybe that's not such a good thing, cuz now I don't know how I'm gonna manage if I get a boyfriend haha.

I've also started realizing that dang, I'm getting really old. my friends are getting married off, one by one. so I'm thankful for all the other single friends that I have and can still hang out with. and I still haven't felt the urgency to be attached. in 2013, I'm just gonna continue to be comfortable in my own skin, have fun with friends, and keep all my options open. if he arrives, then he does. I ain't in any rush.

this year should also be the time to be more thankful for my family, and to show it. my grandparents might go anytime soon so it's all the more crucial for me to spend time with them. my parents also deserve a kinder, more loving version of myself, even when they're doing that nagging thing.

-

in short, I just hope to keep it HAPPY and new all year!

has it happened yet?

Has it happened yet?
I am readying myself for a change
Has it happened yet?
I am trying to start again

‘tis the season to celebrate making it through another year. and while we might not have come out fully unscathed, we’re completely wiser and stronger for it. this song by Rachael Yamagata - always my favourite go-to singer/songwriter for every season - really embodies the regret/hope about the future and its changes. sure, there’s lots to lament about breaking away from the old, as well as that fear of the past repeating itself, but there’s also a lot more to look forward to if we can just put our hearts into it.

like she so reassuringly croons, '..No matter how you wish it, nothing will ever be the same.'

sometimes, maybe that’s a good thing. 

I think I've said this before, but I really wanna say it again.

What is the deal with drinking to get drunk?

I love my beer and cocktails, cuz:
- It's a social activity
- It gives me that little bit of courage to dance like a goof

But to drink and get drunk? Yucks.

I've seen what people do when that happens and it's disgusting. For once I'm glad that when I'm really drunk, I pass out instead of embarrassing myself. For example, here's a snapshot of what happened last night:
- girls throwing themselves at older men (aka managers at work)
- one was even trying to undress them (omg, omg, omg)
- and the guys were obviously enjoying the attention

It was such a major turnoff. Especially coming from my manager who claims that he was just 'taking care of the drunk girls'. This coming from the same guy who told me that we should behave in a Christ-like manner at work. I'm not in any position to judge or be all holier-than-thou, but really, you can just take your ideals and piss off.

Urgh.

I understand the nature of the industry (it being retail and all) demands that I have to answer my phone on weekends. I'm fine with that.

But if it's something that can be left to the weekday, please be more considerate and not bother me with it on my rest days. I hate being distracted when I'm supposed to be focused on enjoying (rare) time with my friends.

If I don't provide the adequate reply, does it mean I'm any less committed or passionate about my job? I hope not, because my job is not my life.

I wanna take back my weekends. And I really wanna throw the Blackberry away.

"That’s bullshit.  I think 'that wasn’t meant to be' is bullshit.  You are tested in life, you know?  Things aren’t just put in front of you for the taking.  You have to go through something to get what you want.  You can’t just drift through life and hope that love is just going to flow into you like plankton into a whale’s fucking mouth.  You have to prove yourself, you have to make things happen and choose."

- saw this on Tumblr. totally relevant.

let's not wait for an ending.

I’ve always wanted to begin a poem
with the line, “I’ve always wanted
to begin.” Now I have. Best to end here,

but then the universe is expanding
back into its black beginnings,
and space, aware of its own looming demise,

is singing of possibilities. I’m almost over, it sings,
it’s almost over and sooner or later we’d be left
with nothing but time. If we live that long.

Sometime before then all our dialects
will have moored on the gray sands of forgetting,
all our sad words will have started

to repeat themselves, as if sound didn’t dissipate
into stillness, as if not everything has been said before.
Here, let me tell you a joke: I am a man of faith.

Or a child, a tree, some living thing
that will someday be a dead thing.
What does faith have to do with it? I know;

it isn’t funny. Nothing funny about mortality,
how movement bleeds into clockwork,
how clockwork succumbs to its own igneous finitude.

How we aid entropy by being born.
See? I only wanted to begin, now I’m humming
the ghost-heavy refrain of imminent endings.

In that song about possibilities, someone
is hurling an empty bottle skyward. I see you:
You’re imagining it slowing towards its peak,

anticipating gravity, its ruthless duty. Stop.
Don’t. Let’s go. Let’s not be around when it shatters.
Let’s not wait for an ending.

- Mikael de Lara Co, "Poem That Had Some Difficulty With the First Line" 

today is the kind of day to just let yourself sink into the words; the words spoken, sung, breathed, by others. it's the most beautiful kind of paralysis. 

What happens to a dream deferred?

      Does it dry up

      like a raisin in the sun?

      Or fester like a sore—

      And then run?

      Does it stink like rotten meat?

      Or crust and sugar over—

      like a syrupy sweet?

      Maybe it just sags

      like a heavy load.

      Or does it explode?

- Langston Hughes, "Harlem"

--

Sometimes I dream of being someone I'm not. 


A DJ (the turntable kind)?
A writer?
A label manager?


They're all within reach, but yet, not really. Maybe cuz I've missed that window of opportunity, when I had the advantage of youth and time. Now I don't have much of either. Or maybe it all comes down to  whether I'm willing to let go of everything I have now to devote myself fully to these things. 


Maybe all I really want is to pursue my whims as I please. Without the burdens of a job and money to weigh me down. I mean, my job now is pretty great. I get to go home on time (most times, anyway) to chase my fancies after-hours. 


But there are times when I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions. My tumblr started pretty much as a way to kill time, sort of like a pinboard for music I love. Till now, I'm trying to keep it as that. I try to only post stuff I really like, and not just whatever's hot at the moment. As much as I like having more followers, I don't actively publicise or tell others about it. It's just something to keep me going outside of work. But of course there are times when I wished I could just give it my full attention, and develop it further into a fully fleshed-out blog. Then I think about the whole plethora of other blogs out there which are so much better and my dream sort of fizzles out. 


When I'm in the reality of my 9-to-5 (more like 8.30-to-6, cuz my government really needs to relook the definition of 'working hours'), there are times that I feel proud of and of course times where I felt I could've done much better. It's all good to have these career goals to work towards, but the problem is I don't really wanna continue to be a corporate slave. If not for my awesome colleagues who make work seem less 'work', I think I'd be really miserable right now. If working towards a "manager" post is all I should ever aspire to, my existence is unfortunately quite meaningless. 


Anyway I guess what I'm trying to say, is that CRAP I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANNA DO. At this moment, it looks like I'm having trouble trying to commit to either one. It's either I don't think I have the time/talent, or I just don't want to. And like pretty much everything else I do, by the time I get to committing, I'd have already lost interest. 


This is a problem that I can't really resolve right now, though I really should soon, otherwise it'd be too late to go for either option. 

This has been a Sunday night existential ramble.