THIS ISN'T ME.

WHAT'S GOING ON??

STOP THINKING SO MUCH.

ARGH. STUDY, I NEED TO STUDYYYYY.

I never should've gone tonight. It was a big mistake. Now I've gone back to square one.

But this charade is never going to last
So pick the poison and pour yourself a glass

If this was the thing to do.

Just a brief update:

1. NUS's definition of "recess week" is different from the rest of the world's. There's hardly any difference from a typical school week. I still go to school, I still have tons (if not more) of work to do, and I still don't have enough time to go out and have a life. Well ok, at least I don't have to wake up at 7am on Mon.

2. F1 is stupid. Cuz of the closure of all the important roads, I took 2 hours to go to school today! Gee, I never imagined that it was possible to stay in the same vehicle for more than 1 hour when travelling in Singapore. But yeah, there was a super mega jam at Suntec, and the bus was crawling at 1m/min I think. Walking was probably faster. As a result, I was 1 and a half hours late for my project meeting.

3. I am definitely NOT looking forward to school re-opening. It's like the gates of hell opening. When the evil spirits called "presentation", "assignment" (not 1, but 2), and "midterm test" (they come in pairs) come out to play. All in the same week. Joy, oh joy.

4. I am officially addicted to coffee. Ok well, I've always been addicted, just that I've been in a state of denial. But now, I admit my life is being ruled by caffeine. I get a headache if I don't get my daily fix. But the last time I attempted a venti coffee, I almost went into shock ie. uncontrollable trembling, and a heart rate that was threatening to shoot out of the ceiling. It's a love/hate relationship I have with coffee. Can't live without it, can't live with it.

5. In a sense, I'm glad for all these mundane things that are keeping me occupied, cuz it takes my mind away from other matters.

There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do

My problem is, I feel too much. I let humans affect me much more than they should. Despite all my past experiences.

But this is who I am, and I can't help it.

I don't know what to feel now.

Should I be happy or sad? I'm caught in the middle.

And I don't know what to do. I guess I just don't know when to let go.

But I know I need to resolve this, and figure it out, before it consumes me. There are other more important things in life that I need to get on with, but I need to be rid of this first.

Tell me all the places we could go.
And count the headlights passing on the road,
A long, long time ago.

the nicest thing

Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something



(no, I'm not pining for anyone)

skip school, start fights

This is exactly what I feel like doing now.

I feel so restless and purpose-less. Ok well, I have school stuff to do. But I'm just so tired of work.

And all my friends are like slowly trickling out of the country, a few at a time. It's super depressing. 2010 is gonna be a sad year. I think I'm probably gonna be the only youth left in church :(

I need to escape too, ie. jump off a cliff. Or go for a long drive, except that I might die along the way haha. I hereby conclude that I'm a bad (and reckless) driver. Either that, or I'm just incredibly lucky after getting into a few narrow scrapes.

Anyway, I wanna run away from school. Yeah, skip school, start fights!

Sigh. I need to go back to my readings.

And I am nothing of a builder
But here I dreamt I was an architect

all mine

Today I did this survey to fulfill my 'Intro to Psychology' Research Participation requirements (I still need 4 hours more argh). And in the survey, I was asked about my goals and 'personal projects' currently. And I can't really think of any.

Is it considered a failure if you don't have any particular goals in life? I guess for me, I don't really have any long-term goals; I prefer to live my life according to what needs to be done in the next few months (or semester). It makes my life less complicated. And also, I tend to lose sight of any long-term goals I set, because something will inadvertedly happen and change the entire course of my life. And maybe cuz I'm just too lazy to think about the future. Whatever happens, happens. I'll deal with it as it comes. But that's just what I think.

I don't build my life around people either, because people disappoint. If you let them raise your hopes up, the fall will only be much harder. It's happened to me too many times.

So if I don't live for any goals, or people, what then do I live for? I guess I just hope to live to see another day. Everyday is different, and you never know what to expect. If something good comes along, then that's great, if not, then find a way to get through whatever shit is thrown at you. I find joy in the little things in life. Sometimes a minor thing (like talking to a friend) can lift my mood for the entire day. And of course, a minor problem can ruin everything also.

That's what my life is made up of, little things that make or break me. But I tend not to think too much about them. I don't like to make my life more complicated than it already is. I want to move on. Life is unfair. That's just the way it is. I can't change it, so I accept it and change the things I can.

As for my purpose in life, I guess I haven't really found one substantial one yet. I guess it's all in the Lord's plan, which is still hidden to me, or rather it's not my time to know it yet. So in the meantime, I'll just try everything that comes my way and be open to experiences, in the hope that I'll find something life-changing in that. And yeah, find joy in the little things.

And it's my bad, my broken
All my should have's left unspoken
Mine all, mine all mine

even after so long

After hearing from Kaishi about how homesick she feels in HK, I can't help but think about my own experience in the US, not too long ago. Gosh, I can't believe it was only 7 months ago? It feels like I've been gone for a few years haha.

So yeah, I remember feeling lost and so alone, and how every phone call from my parents/friends brought me to the brink of tears. I remember desperately channel-surfing in my hotel room at 4am in the morning, just to find a show that will help lull me to sleep because I only felt more homesick and miserable every moment that I was awake. And of course, all those prayers and time spent poring over my Bible, looking for verses that will bring comfort. I remember something in my devotional about find treasures in the darkness, and it brought great reassurance and comfort to me, especially this verse:

"I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." - Isaiah 45:3

In retrospect, I guess God put it there for me, to reassure me that He's with me, even in the deepest and darkest throes of my loneliness. And for that, I'll forever be thankful.

Thank goodness over the next few days I was caught up in the bustle of moving into my dorm and preparing for school, and didn't really have much time/energy to be homesick. Plus I got to hang out with the other Singaporeans, so at least there was company.

From then on, things only got better. I can't even begin to count how blessed I was during my trip. The Lord blessed me with company, at first in the form of Kirsten, this Singaporean-Texan who showed us around for the first week. Then there was Lauren, who graciously brought us everywhere with her, even making us feel like part of her family. I'll always remember hanging out at her house, watching 'Friends' and cooking up nonsense for lunch, and all those road trips down to Houston/Dallas/Burnet haha. And of course, that wonderful birthday surprise she planned for me.

There was my roommate also, who at first I thought was quite aloof, but in the end turned out to be one of the nicest people I know. I remember those crazy conversations we had till late at night, how we tried to get back at our noisy suitemates, her random bursts of dancing, that Gig 'Em banner/aircon shield we made (I brought it back with me :)), how we made fun of those people on TV and watched 'Law and Order:SVU' till 3am. And of course, her exasperated (and futile) attempts to get me to dress up better haha. They say that your roommate is either your best friend, or your worst enemy. Thank God she was the former, unlike the other Singaporeans' roommates haha. Oh and the French and Spanish also, although they tend to party abit too crazily for my liking haha. All these people remind me that despite our different backgrounds, we're still similar people underneath and can still click together. Oh man, I miss everyone so much! I guess in the end, it's the people you meet, rather than what you see, who have the deepest impact in your life.

I was also blessed in that I managed to score the best grades of my life in the US, in spite of the constant slacking and ponning of classes haha. Too bad they don't count sigh. And of course, I didn't get caught in any mishaps or terrible accidents, especially since we were flying/driving around so much. We missed getting a speeding ticket twice during Spring Break man! But then, there were the darn flight delays that seemed to plague me wherever I went.

I guess I wouldn't have been able to pull myself out of those negative/depressing thoughts if not for my friends in Singapore also. Especially Shuqi (who emailed me constantly, and who made the effort to find me 21 items for my birthday haah), Pauline (my fellow US exchange student, and the only other person sharing the same timezone), WWF (for that hilarious birthday video), and Boran (who helped me buy textbooks).

Oh man, this is making me even sadder. I can't believe I'm still thinking about the US, even after so long. But I guess I don't ever wanna forget my time there. So bear with this entry, especially if it seems like a repeat of other entries haha.

Well, they can take, take, take the kids from the summer
But they'll never, never, never take the summer from me