spineless

I'm sorry to say that I'm a spineless thing who sold her soul for a little extra cash. Again.

In exchange, I'm giving up my freedom and getting another 2 months' worth of drama, 6.45am mornings, and long train rides.

Oh well.

I wanted to stay home
but I went running running running running from the troubles

The job search has been a long and laborious process. Or rather, I've been making it long cuz of my procrastination. Especially now that my last day has been postponed to December. The good thing is that I can earn some money while (slowly) looking for another job, but the bad thing obviously is that I'm still at the office.

My work environment calls for an extremely delicate process of maintaining appearances, especially in front of the boss, and sometimes in front of colleagues. The brain-mouth filter also has to be constantly on alert, for fear that someone will misinterpret what you're saying or worse, will pass it along the grapevine. I seriously hope not all offices are like that. It's extremely tiring. To grin and bear it when your boss insults you, or to refrain from bitching about others.

On the one hand I want to be part of the group, but on the other hand I have to stay detached and objective. Well ok, my colleagues have been really nice and we get along fine. But I can't help but feel that it's dependent on what I say/do. Argh. And especially as a Christian, sometimes it's hard to balance what the world demands with behaving in a way that is befitting of your godly calling.

I think out of the 7 days of the week I only like Fridays and Saturdays cuz they don't precede work days. Yucks.

I'm so tired I don't know what I'm saying.

And if you fall hard, I fall harder
If you're gonna break, just let it break
I'll pick up the pieces and mistakes

No I know I took for granted that things
Would always go the way I wanted oh
I was going to be a treetop
A sea, a boat, a rock of ages

I don't always get it right
I'd see it in a different kind of light

Pay my lip service
Keep it eloquent
Optimistic but
Never quite elegant
Still a weirdo
Still a weirdo, after all these years

I'd always thought it's automatic
to grow into a soul less static
But here I am upon the same spot
Attempting to lift off into space

I don't always get it right
But a thousand different ways
And I just might

Pay my lip service
Keep it eloquent
Optimistic but
Never quite elegant
Still a weirdo
Still a weirdo, after all these years

backed into the corner

So I've quit my job.

It's a shocking decision even to myself. I never thought I'd be such a neh neh and quit after only 1 month. I can give so many reasons: I don't enjoy my job scope, the products are boring, unhealthy environment etc. But I guess only 1 reason is the most important: I'm not happy. Like my colleague said, "Once you feel like you're dragging your sorry ass to work everyday, then it's time to leave."

Except for me, I only needed 1 month to reach that stage. Sure, I can continue and stick it out longer and "give myself a chance" (like what my boss said), but what's the point? Of course I thought about the long-term benefits (good stepping stone, learning experience etc.) but I can't see myself continuing here for even a year cuz I only see my misery being prolonged. Even the pay has stopped being a motivating factor.

And of course, I've given this a lot of thought cuz there are severe consequences. Like, "What if I'm closing an important door on myself? What if this will ruin my resume? What if my next job is just as bad? Am I just being a quitter?" I have all these fantasies about what I'd rather be doing, for instance living/working in another country even if it's a menial job, running my own cafe where I don't have to answer to other people, travelling in Europe again etc.

But honestly, I have no idea what I'm looking for. I only know I'm not happy and this job is slowly depleting me. I'm just glad that I have the luxury to quit cuz I don't have a family to support. I'm also really thankful that I have supportive parents. So now, I'm seriously considering the path I want to pursue and thinking about my strengths and weaknesses, and really thinking about which job will fit me the best.

Anyway I've been really torn between staying (and being miserable), or quitting (and risk not being able to find another job). I've been praying really hard, asking God to show me where it is He wants me to go, to illumine and clarify my thoughts. So far, I'm still waiting for His prompting. I don't know if it's because I've been so busy and frustrated with things that I haven't focused on my relationship with God so I can't hear Him, or because He really is keeping silent for a reason. But a friend told me this:

"Sometimes God just sort of lets us choose. One choice isn't right or wrong over another. Either way you choose, he will work in it. God just kind of steps back, and while he is still very much involved in our lives, and while i do believe he knows all that will happen, I dont believe he's robotically instituting it, and I dont think that he necessarily is handplaying everything you know. Some things, a lot of things, he just sort of... lets play out. The point is just, sometimes, the choice is up to us and do we seek him? of course! But often he seems... silent. You know? Perhaps about your job for instance. Do you quit? Do you not quit? there doesnt seem to have been a clear answer from God. So you pursue what you feel you want to do. and pray that if it's not what you're supposed to do, that he'll make it clear. And for you, he hasn't shut that door. so you pursue quitting. and you pursue finding something that you'll like better. and pray that his will be done and that his hand is in what happens... that he opens the right doors for you."

It's true. Making the decision to quit gave me such a huge sense of peace and relief. It's like previously I was miserable cuz I didn't believe quitting was an option. Maybe I'll come to regret this next time, but for now, I just have to trust that whichever direction I go, God's hand is in it like it has been all along. Many times in my life, He has turned something good out of the bad and I believe that this won't be an exception. I just have to go on putting my faith in Him and trusting that He is in control of everything. And of course, to do my best to serve Him wherever I am. The same friend said this:

"We've screwed up the word success. Success is simply doing your best with where God has put you, and doing the best with the doors that he opens to you regardless of where that is. If he places me to be a janitor. well, so be it. as long as i'm doing my best to glorify him in it, then awesome! And the other thing is i always pray that god will open the right doors and close the wrong ones and one thing i've found, is that where God is, there is peace. so when i have consistent unpeace, that is when i begin to question if perhaps it's not a door that he's closing. I dont know. i could be totally wrong in all of that. but i know that for me, i always pray that way. that his will will be done. that he will open the right doors, close the wrong ones. and though i am often unsure, it always seems that he guides me where i am at peace about being. and the wrong doors do close and the right ones do open."

I really thank God for placing friends like these in my life, especially times when I need them the most. Right now I think I really need to go back to God, refocus my thoughts, and really pray for wisdom and the courage to go where He wants me to go. I guess the only way to know His thoughts in me is to build a lasting and strong relationship with Him.

(I still have 1 month's notice to serve urgh. Right now I'm just counting down the days. Can't wait!)

Backed into the corner
You're by yourself now
But from here where you're standing
You can see it all now

updates

I'm officially back. Haven't really had the energy/time to blog :S

Anyway, just came back from choir mission trip to Bangkok. It was a really short trip, like only 4 days. But they were really fulfilling and rewarding days. It was a truly humbling experience, to see the appreciation in the audience's faces, and to truly see God working in them.

Basically we were there to perform "The Promise" musical, which is about Jesus' birth and death on the Cross. We had been practising for a few months, twice weekly. And I admit it wasn't easy to memorize all the songs and dance steps. But it was all worth it, and I would do it all over again. This was an eye-opening experience. Thailand is predominantly Buddhist and Christians are really a minority there. For example, at the Christian University of Thailand that we went to there were only 50 believers out of 6000 students. It was really quite hard for Christianity to thrive there. And it was truly a humbling experience to see the joy in the audience's faces when we performed. The students at the university even crowded around to take pictures with us after our performance!

I was very touched when an old lady told me she couldn't watch our performance at night cuz it was too dark for her to take the bus. It made me realize how blessed I was to be able to worship freely and so easily. I was also very very touched by the hospitality shown to us. The Thais are so warm and friendly! Everyone greets each other with palms together, saying "Sawadee-ka". So polite right. They also prepared really wonderful meals for us. I don't think you can find this level of genuine hospitality anywhere else. So hopefully, through our performance many lives have been blessed and many seeds sown, and God will continue to work in these people's lives :)

So although it was quite tiring (our schedule was really packed), it was all worth it in the end. The food was seriously awesome also. I think I can live on tom yum soup forever haha. Our hotels were quite nice, and I managed to squeeze in 2 hours of shopping at Suan Lum Night Market in Bangkok haha. Oh and I sat on a tuk-tuk for the first time! Exhilirating experience man. Our tuk-tuk got stopped by a policeman who wanted to see the driver's license. Being obviously illegal, the guy tried to bribe the police officer and they even negotiated for a while on the price. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at this. I mean, it's amusing for us tourists but it's quite sad that there's so much corruption here.

As for work, all I can say that this has been a lesson on making decisions. I have learnt much about thinking through all the consequences thoroughly before jumping into anything, and also learnt more about myself. I just hope this decision is correct.

Lord, I need You so much now.

I took his love like it was mine
I squeezed the truth until it lied

So the bumming has ended, and I am now a member of the workforce!

It's been a long journey filled with moments of uncertainty, low self-esteem ("I so lousy meh, how come no one wants to hire me?"), indecisiveness (when the job offers do come, but somehow don't seem good enough), and not to mention days when I was soooo bored just bumming around at home.

So I'm now a Senior Officer (Communications) at JTC. Hahaha sounds so big right. But actually I'm really near the bottom of the food chain. And of course, I'm now a slave to the government. I realize every job comes with its own set of pros and cons; it's just whether they weigh each other out at the end.

I admit that I considered rejecting the offer though haha. But the department head called me and had an hour-long conversation with me to answer whatever concerns I had. I think it's the effort she bothered to put in that really changed my mind, and also cuz she didn't gloss over the ugly sides of the job but shared her honest opinions. Hopefully she'll still be as nice when I start work :S So despite the potential zzz-ness of the jobscope (packaging JTC's happenings to the media, as if industrial estates are very fun things to talk about) and the kns office location, I think there'd be much to learn and benefit in the long term. It's your attitude that makes the diff I guess.

But I definitely do not look forward to travelling 1 hour all the way to the other end of the island everyday. The fact that work starts at 8.30am does not help. I foresee no end to my strong caffeine dependency. But oh well, I guess it could be worse. And now that I'm gainfully employed, I have to stop myself from regretting my decision and thinking about other potential interviews/offers that might come my way. I just have to trust in God, that this is where He wants me to be, and to make the most of it!

Now you do the same and you're right
Things are better in black and white

it commences.

So I have officially graduated. The end of a chapter, and the start of another.

(Note: None of the items I'm holding in the photo belong to me haha.)

This also means I have officially joined the ranks of the unemployed. No more student discounts! NUS even sent a letter to remind students to return their student cards. They congratulate you while making sure you stay firmly grounded in reality, yucks.

Anyway, is it weird to say that I somehow felt the Commencement ceremony wasn't any big deal? Ok la, I must say the gowns added a lot of pomp haha. I think my parents were happier than I was. Or maybe cuz to them it means they can finally stop raising me haha. 1 huge financial burden gone!

The Commencement dinner wasn't as good though. The food and service were bad, and the games were quite lame haha. But ok la, at least they bothered to have a dinner for us! Albeit as an excuse to slot in messages about alumni giving haha.

Ok I shall stop being bitter. I think cuz it's been so long since my last lesson that I've sorta lost the nostalgia haha.

I think I'll really miss my time in NUS. I'll always remember those times in lectures (or skipping them) talking nonsense to each other and discussing what to eat for lunch, the canteen meals (Western, chicken kebab, meepok with alot of chilli even after you said you didn't want any, coffeee!), staying in school till late for projects, writing endless reports, printing notes in the com lab etc. These are the little things that defined my time in Bizad :D

I'm really thankful for Boran, FOC and Rag (despite the hardship) haha. At the end of the day, I guess it's not so much my academic experience that have shaped me but the people and activities outside schoolwork. Without these people, I don't think I would've gotten through my 4 years so memorably or so smoothly :) I hope we stay in touch and as close as ever, even when we're old aunties/uncles! Then we can ask those fresh graduate kids to donate to alumni hoho.

I don't know if it's the same game,
if it's the same game although its the same control