four, three, two, one

Sometimes the harder you push, the harder you get pushed away. 

Sometimes you think you know, but in actual fact, you don't have the slightest idea.

Sometimes you try so hard, but it's all so futile.

Sometimes when you tell yourself it's time to give up, you can't help but cling on in vain hope that something will change.

But in the end, you realize that nothing has changed. 

So then, what do you do?

Four, three, two, one, 
I'm letting you go 
I will let go 

If you will let go 

[ineedYou.]

THIS ISN'T ME.

WHAT'S GOING ON??

STOP THINKING SO MUCH.

ARGH. STUDY, I NEED TO STUDYYYYY.

I never should've gone tonight. It was a big mistake. Now I've gone back to square one.

But this charade is never going to last
So pick the poison and pour yourself a glass

If this was the thing to do.

Just a brief update:

1. NUS's definition of "recess week" is different from the rest of the world's. There's hardly any difference from a typical school week. I still go to school, I still have tons (if not more) of work to do, and I still don't have enough time to go out and have a life. Well ok, at least I don't have to wake up at 7am on Mon.

2. F1 is stupid. Cuz of the closure of all the important roads, I took 2 hours to go to school today! Gee, I never imagined that it was possible to stay in the same vehicle for more than 1 hour when travelling in Singapore. But yeah, there was a super mega jam at Suntec, and the bus was crawling at 1m/min I think. Walking was probably faster. As a result, I was 1 and a half hours late for my project meeting.

3. I am definitely NOT looking forward to school re-opening. It's like the gates of hell opening. When the evil spirits called "presentation", "assignment" (not 1, but 2), and "midterm test" (they come in pairs) come out to play. All in the same week. Joy, oh joy.

4. I am officially addicted to coffee. Ok well, I've always been addicted, just that I've been in a state of denial. But now, I admit my life is being ruled by caffeine. I get a headache if I don't get my daily fix. But the last time I attempted a venti coffee, I almost went into shock ie. uncontrollable trembling, and a heart rate that was threatening to shoot out of the ceiling. It's a love/hate relationship I have with coffee. Can't live without it, can't live with it.

5. In a sense, I'm glad for all these mundane things that are keeping me occupied, cuz it takes my mind away from other matters.

There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do

My problem is, I feel too much. I let humans affect me much more than they should. Despite all my past experiences.

But this is who I am, and I can't help it.

I don't know what to feel now.

Should I be happy or sad? I'm caught in the middle.

And I don't know what to do. I guess I just don't know when to let go.

But I know I need to resolve this, and figure it out, before it consumes me. There are other more important things in life that I need to get on with, but I need to be rid of this first.

Tell me all the places we could go.
And count the headlights passing on the road,
A long, long time ago.

the nicest thing

Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something



(no, I'm not pining for anyone)

skip school, start fights

This is exactly what I feel like doing now.

I feel so restless and purpose-less. Ok well, I have school stuff to do. But I'm just so tired of work.

And all my friends are like slowly trickling out of the country, a few at a time. It's super depressing. 2010 is gonna be a sad year. I think I'm probably gonna be the only youth left in church :(

I need to escape too, ie. jump off a cliff. Or go for a long drive, except that I might die along the way haha. I hereby conclude that I'm a bad (and reckless) driver. Either that, or I'm just incredibly lucky after getting into a few narrow scrapes.

Anyway, I wanna run away from school. Yeah, skip school, start fights!

Sigh. I need to go back to my readings.

And I am nothing of a builder
But here I dreamt I was an architect

all mine

Today I did this survey to fulfill my 'Intro to Psychology' Research Participation requirements (I still need 4 hours more argh). And in the survey, I was asked about my goals and 'personal projects' currently. And I can't really think of any.

Is it considered a failure if you don't have any particular goals in life? I guess for me, I don't really have any long-term goals; I prefer to live my life according to what needs to be done in the next few months (or semester). It makes my life less complicated. And also, I tend to lose sight of any long-term goals I set, because something will inadvertedly happen and change the entire course of my life. And maybe cuz I'm just too lazy to think about the future. Whatever happens, happens. I'll deal with it as it comes. But that's just what I think.

I don't build my life around people either, because people disappoint. If you let them raise your hopes up, the fall will only be much harder. It's happened to me too many times.

So if I don't live for any goals, or people, what then do I live for? I guess I just hope to live to see another day. Everyday is different, and you never know what to expect. If something good comes along, then that's great, if not, then find a way to get through whatever shit is thrown at you. I find joy in the little things in life. Sometimes a minor thing (like talking to a friend) can lift my mood for the entire day. And of course, a minor problem can ruin everything also.

That's what my life is made up of, little things that make or break me. But I tend not to think too much about them. I don't like to make my life more complicated than it already is. I want to move on. Life is unfair. That's just the way it is. I can't change it, so I accept it and change the things I can.

As for my purpose in life, I guess I haven't really found one substantial one yet. I guess it's all in the Lord's plan, which is still hidden to me, or rather it's not my time to know it yet. So in the meantime, I'll just try everything that comes my way and be open to experiences, in the hope that I'll find something life-changing in that. And yeah, find joy in the little things.

And it's my bad, my broken
All my should have's left unspoken
Mine all, mine all mine