2015 has got to be the toughest year I've ever had to go through. But if it had a theme, it would be "family" and "patience".

-
I've always thought of death as an abstract concept, something I knew the shape of, but not the weight. But the past year, I've really felt its reality and how heavy it can really be to bear when it touches those around you.

My mum's close brush with cancer was so out-of-the-blue it took all of us by surprise. Suddenly it seemed that all the time we have with her wasn't enough, and the regret of how I could've been a better daughter was suddenly all too stark and painful. It was the darkest 3 weeks of my life, and I've never prayed so hard. And God, in His infinite grace, deemed fit that we should have more time with her. All these little miracles showed me how blessed and loved I really was: randomly assigning my mum the head of department as her surgeon, letting her other organs be blissfully untouched by the monster tumour, and only needing to remove a few centimetres from her intestines when the tumour was 16cm.

Through it all, our family became even closer. I don't think we've cried or hugged so much in those few weeks than in my entire life combined (we're not exactly very tactile people). And the irony of my mum being the pillar of strength even when she was the one going into surgery (I remember crying when they broke the news, and my parents reassuring me that everything was ok when it should be the other way round).

It was a huge wake-up call to not take my family for granted, and I'm still learning this lesson everyday. It's hard to be patient when my mum's being naggy or asking the same questions over and over again. But now I try even harder to listen and to spend time with her, and to see those naggy questions as her way of loving and connecting with me.

-
Then came my kong kong's passing. In retrospect, him being as old as he was, we probably knew it was coming sooner or later. The greatest blessing was that he accepted the Lord before he passed, and of course, that he could have such a long and fruitful life. Maybe that's why, even as we grieved, we were not completely broken. I will always remember those days during the wake, when we would reminisce round the table while we ate my kong kong's favourite food. There was laughter mixed in with tears, and that to me, will always be the gold standard of remembering someone.

These episodes have made me appreciate my family for who they are - their ability to be strong for each other, and to find the joy and humour amidst suffering.

-
On the personal front, my anxiety is still a struggle that I'm learning to put in the background instead of focusing on it all the time. It'll always be there, but I'm getting better at recognizing it for what it is and minimizing the damage before it has the chance to mutate. But it comes to me in different ways, the greatest of which is my fear of my own mortality. When a slight fever becomes a fear of leukemia and diarrhoea becomes IBS. I'm tired of this paranoia and the unhealthy reliance on the Internet to research symptoms. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss, and I'm really trying to put this into practice to save myself the unnecessary worry and stress.

Speaking of stress, it seems like my internal tension has finally unravelled itself and manifested into gross acne on the outside. As if that wasn't enough to put up with, the side effects of the Accutane are really killing me - the dry lips, and the dry and swollen eyes. I'm really trying to love myself even more in spite of all this. And to tell myself that vanity is fleeting and sometimes the world really doesn't care what you look like (which is true). But ah it's a constant struggle and I bounce back and forth between self-loathing and unbearable self-consciousness, to heck it I love myself the way I am.

-
Compared to the above, work seems like a breeze and a welcome distraction. I'm still being challenged everyday, both in my abilities to perform and to manage others. I'm learning to be more patient and kind with others' mistakes and failings, and hopefully be a better teacher and leader. But I've still got a long ways to go yet, although that's not an excuse. I still fail sometimes, like when I don't give others the benefit of doubt and instead immediately zero in on their mistakes, or when I blow up and give in to my anger. It's all a part of development I guess, the ability to learn and be a better person.

On the love front, I've tried putting myself out there but maybe I'm looking for love in all the wrong places, or having the wrong idea of what love looks like. I've always thought I knew what I wanted, but maybe those qualities are really just shallow and are just by-the-ways instead of real priorities. Just as I struggle with my acne, I'm still struggling with the question of whether it's settling if I go with what's in front of me. Maybe it's still there for a reason? Maybe it's time I let go of all my preconceived notions and just step forward and see where this takes me?

And maybe it's really ok and not that bad to be alone, but to stand alongside and be happy for others who have found their own happiness.

-
In conclusion, while 2015 was definitely painful, I wouldn't have traded it for the lessons I've gained - to find patience, kindness, joy and love where they may lay because they really are in the little things, if we only deign to look closely and outward of ourselves.

For 2016, my hope is to find patience and to learn to let go. Patience with my family and to be a better daughter and sister, for my acne to go away (because it will pass, like all things) instead of constantly wallowing in self-loathing, to deal with challenges with calm and emotional fortitude instead of immediate paranoid panicking and inadvertently lashing out at others.

To finally stop fretting, and let God lead me where He will take me.

I might be over-thinking or being extremely paranoid, but deep down inside I think I'm just really terrified of commitment.

hashtag: forever alone.

Kinda getting disillusioned with work now.

My portfolio just got a whole lot crappier. And I always feel like I'm forever cleaning up after other people's shit, when it's not even my fault. My objective is to acquire customers, not housekeep. If a promotion (which I'm totally grateful for) means more of this crap, then I'm opting out.

The boss is getting more stressed too, and taking it out on us. Dude, I'm sorry but I can't read your freaking mind.

This whole thing about having to fork out money to get a WORK PHONE (ironic seeing that I work at a PHONE company) is dumb too. Well the alternative is to give up my personal line which I've had for over 10 years, and I refuse to do that.

Conclusion is, I'm starting to see an expiration date to this place.

looking back on 2012, I'd say it's been a great year. 

nothing drastic happened, and the small bumps were smoothed out pretty well.

I guess it could be better described as a year of growth - both at work, and as a person. I wouldn't say I'm a better person, but I definitely learned a lot more about myself.

-

Work-wise, the year started quite traumatically. we were barely holding the fort, and were basically running around like rabbits, patching holes here and there as they appeared. I was this close to the end of my tether. even after the team added some much-needed manpower, it was still quite stressful. a lot of things were top-down and we could only react and do as we're told (very begrudgingly). things happened, and we had to clean up the mess, even though sometimes it wasn't even my fault.

but I still had lots to be thankful about - an awesome teammate, boss (as annoying as he can be a lot of times), and colleagues. they've been really supportive, morale-boosters; people I can whine to, count on for help, and most importantly, let loose and be crazy with. they just make work fun. and honestly, such an environment is really really hard to come by. 

they've taught me to be appreciative, patient, objective (which is difficult cuz we're so close personally), and to be kind to others outside of my circle. cuz sometimes, that's all you really need to get things done quickly in your favour. in the coming year, I hope to be able to expand on all those attributes, especially in the most trying of times. it's easy to lose it and really give it to people cuz they deserve it, and it's in those times that I really need to apply God's grace and love. I've learnt that when you show kindness, it gets paid forward and in ways and times when you need it the most. 

in terms of work performance, I hope to also continue learning and applying. I'm thankful for this forgiving environment, where it's ok to make mistakes. this year, I can't say I'm the new girl anymore and in a sense there's less room for errors. so it's time to be more conscientious, hardworking, and motivated. I'm still trying to find out how to stay motivated, especially when I'm doing something difficult, or when I'm not interested. so that's the challenge for this year - to be enthusiastic and work hard!

-

outside of work, my second trip to Europe was an absolute blast. I had the best time just hanging out at Paris on my own. it showed me that I can be ok and still have fun by myself. or maybe that's not such a good thing, cuz now I don't know how I'm gonna manage if I get a boyfriend haha.

I've also started realizing that dang, I'm getting really old. my friends are getting married off, one by one. so I'm thankful for all the other single friends that I have and can still hang out with. and I still haven't felt the urgency to be attached. in 2013, I'm just gonna continue to be comfortable in my own skin, have fun with friends, and keep all my options open. if he arrives, then he does. I ain't in any rush.

this year should also be the time to be more thankful for my family, and to show it. my grandparents might go anytime soon so it's all the more crucial for me to spend time with them. my parents also deserve a kinder, more loving version of myself, even when they're doing that nagging thing.

-

in short, I just hope to keep it HAPPY and new all year!

has it happened yet?

Has it happened yet?
I am readying myself for a change
Has it happened yet?
I am trying to start again

‘tis the season to celebrate making it through another year. and while we might not have come out fully unscathed, we’re completely wiser and stronger for it. this song by Rachael Yamagata - always my favourite go-to singer/songwriter for every season - really embodies the regret/hope about the future and its changes. sure, there’s lots to lament about breaking away from the old, as well as that fear of the past repeating itself, but there’s also a lot more to look forward to if we can just put our hearts into it.

like she so reassuringly croons, '..No matter how you wish it, nothing will ever be the same.'

sometimes, maybe that’s a good thing. 

I think I've said this before, but I really wanna say it again.

What is the deal with drinking to get drunk?

I love my beer and cocktails, cuz:
- It's a social activity
- It gives me that little bit of courage to dance like a goof

But to drink and get drunk? Yucks.

I've seen what people do when that happens and it's disgusting. For once I'm glad that when I'm really drunk, I pass out instead of embarrassing myself. For example, here's a snapshot of what happened last night:
- girls throwing themselves at older men (aka managers at work)
- one was even trying to undress them (omg, omg, omg)
- and the guys were obviously enjoying the attention

It was such a major turnoff. Especially coming from my manager who claims that he was just 'taking care of the drunk girls'. This coming from the same guy who told me that we should behave in a Christ-like manner at work. I'm not in any position to judge or be all holier-than-thou, but really, you can just take your ideals and piss off.

Urgh.

I understand the nature of the industry (it being retail and all) demands that I have to answer my phone on weekends. I'm fine with that.

But if it's something that can be left to the weekday, please be more considerate and not bother me with it on my rest days. I hate being distracted when I'm supposed to be focused on enjoying (rare) time with my friends.

If I don't provide the adequate reply, does it mean I'm any less committed or passionate about my job? I hope not, because my job is not my life.

I wanna take back my weekends. And I really wanna throw the Blackberry away.

"That’s bullshit.  I think 'that wasn’t meant to be' is bullshit.  You are tested in life, you know?  Things aren’t just put in front of you for the taking.  You have to go through something to get what you want.  You can’t just drift through life and hope that love is just going to flow into you like plankton into a whale’s fucking mouth.  You have to prove yourself, you have to make things happen and choose."

- saw this on Tumblr. totally relevant.

let's not wait for an ending.

I’ve always wanted to begin a poem
with the line, “I’ve always wanted
to begin.” Now I have. Best to end here,

but then the universe is expanding
back into its black beginnings,
and space, aware of its own looming demise,

is singing of possibilities. I’m almost over, it sings,
it’s almost over and sooner or later we’d be left
with nothing but time. If we live that long.

Sometime before then all our dialects
will have moored on the gray sands of forgetting,
all our sad words will have started

to repeat themselves, as if sound didn’t dissipate
into stillness, as if not everything has been said before.
Here, let me tell you a joke: I am a man of faith.

Or a child, a tree, some living thing
that will someday be a dead thing.
What does faith have to do with it? I know;

it isn’t funny. Nothing funny about mortality,
how movement bleeds into clockwork,
how clockwork succumbs to its own igneous finitude.

How we aid entropy by being born.
See? I only wanted to begin, now I’m humming
the ghost-heavy refrain of imminent endings.

In that song about possibilities, someone
is hurling an empty bottle skyward. I see you:
You’re imagining it slowing towards its peak,

anticipating gravity, its ruthless duty. Stop.
Don’t. Let’s go. Let’s not be around when it shatters.
Let’s not wait for an ending.

- Mikael de Lara Co, "Poem That Had Some Difficulty With the First Line" 

today is the kind of day to just let yourself sink into the words; the words spoken, sung, breathed, by others. it's the most beautiful kind of paralysis. 

What happens to a dream deferred?

      Does it dry up

      like a raisin in the sun?

      Or fester like a sore—

      And then run?

      Does it stink like rotten meat?

      Or crust and sugar over—

      like a syrupy sweet?

      Maybe it just sags

      like a heavy load.

      Or does it explode?

- Langston Hughes, "Harlem"

--

Sometimes I dream of being someone I'm not. 


A DJ (the turntable kind)?
A writer?
A label manager?


They're all within reach, but yet, not really. Maybe cuz I've missed that window of opportunity, when I had the advantage of youth and time. Now I don't have much of either. Or maybe it all comes down to  whether I'm willing to let go of everything I have now to devote myself fully to these things. 


Maybe all I really want is to pursue my whims as I please. Without the burdens of a job and money to weigh me down. I mean, my job now is pretty great. I get to go home on time (most times, anyway) to chase my fancies after-hours. 


But there are times when I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions. My tumblr started pretty much as a way to kill time, sort of like a pinboard for music I love. Till now, I'm trying to keep it as that. I try to only post stuff I really like, and not just whatever's hot at the moment. As much as I like having more followers, I don't actively publicise or tell others about it. It's just something to keep me going outside of work. But of course there are times when I wished I could just give it my full attention, and develop it further into a fully fleshed-out blog. Then I think about the whole plethora of other blogs out there which are so much better and my dream sort of fizzles out. 


When I'm in the reality of my 9-to-5 (more like 8.30-to-6, cuz my government really needs to relook the definition of 'working hours'), there are times that I feel proud of and of course times where I felt I could've done much better. It's all good to have these career goals to work towards, but the problem is I don't really wanna continue to be a corporate slave. If not for my awesome colleagues who make work seem less 'work', I think I'd be really miserable right now. If working towards a "manager" post is all I should ever aspire to, my existence is unfortunately quite meaningless. 


Anyway I guess what I'm trying to say, is that CRAP I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANNA DO. At this moment, it looks like I'm having trouble trying to commit to either one. It's either I don't think I have the time/talent, or I just don't want to. And like pretty much everything else I do, by the time I get to committing, I'd have already lost interest. 


This is a problem that I can't really resolve right now, though I really should soon, otherwise it'd be too late to go for either option. 

This has been a Sunday night existential ramble.

first world problems

Work sucks. In summary: there are too many things to do, too many people talking, too many whims and fancies to cater to. And I have too little time, too few hands, too little ability to deal with all of that. I feel inadequate and it all feels like I'm in over my head. (And recently, a little niggling thought that I should be making more for all the crap I'm doing, has been creeping up on me.)


I've cut back on things that I shouldn't be cutting back on, like choir service and cell group meetings. And it's incredibly frustrating when people say things like, "You need some trials to bring you back." I'm not entirely sure if they're kidding, but it's not funny. 


I'm 25. Gosh, what a big number to live up to. The thing is, I don't feel anywhere close to 25. Sure, I guess I'm doing big girl things, but I'm not sure if my mentality really matches up.


But I guess it could be worse. I could be jobless, or working continuous 12am days (albeit earning wayy more), I could be stuck in a lousy, morale-sucking environment, I could have rude and demanding managers, I could have dry and humourless beings for colleagues, etc.


So I'm thinking I should be more positive and upbeat about it all, to learn to take things in stride, to take each day that comes as a challenge. Cuz I may be 25, but I'm still young. I still have so much more to learn and experience and contribute.


And it really could be worse.

“

a bouquet of clumsy words: you know that place between sleep and awake where you’re still dreaming but it’s slowly slipping? i wish we could feel like that more often. i also wish i could click my fingers three times and be transported to anywhere i like. i wish that people didn`t always say ‘just wondering’ when you both know there was a real reason behind them asking. and i wish i could get lost in the stars.

listen, there`s a hell of a good universe next door, let`s go

”


- e.e. cummings

Hard times are hard. 


When you have 3 people doing the work of 5, everyday is literally a new adventure. Seriously we're all just taking it one day at a time, cuz how are you supposed to look ahead to the next week when you're struggling even just to make it through this day?


In the words of my manager when asked how the team morale is, "I don't think they have time to think about morale."


But I WILL GET THROUGH THIS. And at least it's a team effort; you feel better knowing you're all in it together (like the High School Musical song).


One day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time.


Now that you got it all wrong
You got it all backwards girl
Enter through the exit and exit through the entrance

aberrant, adj.


“I don’t normally do this kind of thing,” you said.
     
“Neither do I,” I assured you.
     
Later it turned out we had both met people online before, and we had both slept with people on first dates before, and we had both found ourselves falling too fast before. But we comforted ourselves with what we really meant to say, which was: “I don’t normally feel this good about what I’m doing.”
     
Measure the hope of that moment, that feeling.
     
Everything else will be measured against it.


- David Levithan, "The Lover's Dictionary"


Everyone should read this book.

there is no once and for all

Get up, get out, stand up and shout your name 
Don't be afraid to get in the way again
Don't try to stop, like it or not you'll change
You know you only can go further away
When did we forget what we knew
When did we grow up and when did we lose
Everything we were so sure about then 
How do we know it won’t happen again


- "Once and For All", Clock Opera


some words for the new year. 

"I did not expect it to be so easy to find happiness. I was twenty one years old when I met her. I still drank Bailey's Irish Cream and I still listened to Oasis. I feel funny even writing that down. Six years later, I don't do these things. I pour M red wine and we put on Ethiopiques. In the morning we kiss goodbye and in the evening we ride our bikes over overpasses, along canals. You cannot see the stars in the city but still we lie on our backs in the grass and we pretend we can, like when I was twenty one and she swept me off my feet. Six years. I did not expect it to be so easy to find happiness.

Last night she turned to me with colour in her cheeks and she said something that felt complicated and direct and unwavering, like she was taking my hand and putting it in a fire, and taking my eyes and making me see that our hands were in a fire. As she spoke, I listened without any confusion, because she is M. I watched each expression flicker across her face. Colour in her cheeks. In my heart I said, secretly, Okay, enough. Let's. Let's. All our lives, we shall lie in the grass and see certain stars that one-another has imagined."

- 'Until', Said the Gramophone 

These sentiments: at once incomprehensible and illogical, and yet to you they're as clear as day that you wonder, 'Why does no one else see what I see?' 

Do I wish to be overcome with these feelings, these giddy sensations? Heck yes. Someday, maybe.

But for now, it is enough to know that they exist and once existed. 

The irony of going on holiday when you're an employed person is that even though you have the spending power, you don't have the time. My Aussie holiday was 4 months of planning, but only took a fraction of that time - 7 days is too short! Ah Aussie, there's so much to love about you.

After the harrowing trauma Qantas put me through for a week before the trip, I finally managed to get my butt on the plane to Melbourne, bar the minor scare when they put me on Emirates at the last min. The flight back from Sydney was so much better though. I got to sit the A380! Bigger seats, smoother flight, decent food. Small note: every airline should give you a bottle of water at the beginning of the flight. That'll save you from the risk of dehydration and the pain of having to call the flight attendant frequently for a small cup of water. And kudos for the awesome hot choc/peppermint tea after the meal.

Melbourne is a charming city! I really love the awesome cafes (didn't get to try all the recommended ones though), and laidback and chill atmosphere going on there. Or maybe it's just the abundance of fabulous coffee - my first cup at St Kilda really cemented my love for Melbourne haha. Starbucks should seriously just close down. I'm gonna be savouring (and hoarding) those coffee grounds I bought back. And maybe get a decent machine too.

When I'm travelling, I'm most at my element when I can just wander around streets aimlessly and stop at interesting places at my own leisure. This is why I prefer cities to the countryside (more on that later), cuz somehow they allow you the pleasure of anonymity cuz you can just blend in with the other faces and pretend you're a local. Although of cuz that illusion fades once you whip out your camera and that clueless tourist expression comes out. So yeah on the first day, it was fun just wandering around St Kilda (although it was swarming with tourists), hanging out a friend's place watching TV and eating fish & chips. Even shopping was fun, like on Thurs when we discovered this really cool vintage camera shop (owned by the old Cantonese lady) and got some cool stationery. I sound like a loser but I guess I really just like the normal-ity of it and how regular it feels even though it's no diff from hanging out at home haha.

But anyway, I did go out of the city and we rented a car for the Great Ocean Road and Phillip Island. Driving was an experience, esp for someone like me who only drives once a week in Singapore. So imagine my horror when I realized I was gonna be the only driver cuz Lauren's license expired. But it all went swellingly well haha. The Great Ocean Road was windy but there were barriers in case I careened off into the ocean so it wasn't as dangerous as I'd thought haha. And this is the first time I drove for 3 hours at a stretch! Those "sleep and you die" signs helped too. Our little Toyota Yaris was also really easy to drive, but I guess anything's better than my magic school bus at home haha. Oh and I managed to parallel park on the first try! and mastered that uniquely Melbourne creature that is the hook turn (after I got honked at) :D

The Great Ocean Road had really superb views, and thankfully we had very good weather that day :) All blue blue sky, with the blue blue ocean. I would've liked to spend more time just sitting there admiring the scenery but regretfully we had to go. But at least we got to see the Twelve Apostles (only seven left). I think I'll move here after I retire, or after I marry a rich guy, whichever comes first haha.

Phillip Island was another treat, this time for its wildlife. We got to meet koala bears, kangaroos, wallabies and plenty of obnoxious peacocks and horny seagulls. And oh yeah, the famous Penguin Parade. Those little penguins are "aw shucks" cuteeee waddling up the beach. And they're soooo many of them - like 1516 or something the night we were there. Fun fact: female penguins select males by the burrows they've built (there's an open house too) and by how fat they are. We need to implement this system among humans. Boys should absolutely come with houses, cuz I can't afford them. So we saw the cute wildlife, and thankfully didn't meet any of the bazillion other dangerous creatures Australia is famous for haha.

And here's why I don't like the countryside as much as I enjoy the scenic landscape. I just don't enjoy living there. We stayed at this cabin on Phillip Island that came with plenty of spooks. Actually it's all our active imagination but I think the countryside quiet contributed a lot too. It's so quiet it's deafening. And it amplifies all those little noises that you hear all around you but have absolutely no idea where it's coming from. So basically we lay in our bed, scaring ourselves sleepless (or more like, Lauren poked me awake at every bump in the night). And we missed our surfing lesson the next morn! :( But yeah looking back, it's actually pretty hilarious. At least now we've established the fact that I'm strictly a city girl.

Yarra Valley was ok, a little meh though the tour at Domaine Chandon was quite educational. I think the drive there was more interesting. We were basically driving through the forest - like small windy road flanked by tall tall trees with bits of light peeking through, and no phone reception. It was fun, but after a while I was ready for concrete highway haha. Oops, there goes my city girl side again haha.

Speaking of phones, I dunno if it's a curse that I'm so reliant on being connected. I mean, it was great to be able to whatsapp, use Google Maps, upload FB photos and google anything on the go. But isn't a holiday meant for you to disconnect from everyone else? But yet, I don't wanna miss anything while I'm gone! I bet my parents had better, more relaxing holidays in their time. I blame it on the iPhone haha.

So, Sydney. Can I just say that free walking tours are the best idea ever to promote tourism?? You pay the guide in tips that you think he deserves and in return you get really educational insider knowledge of the city. (But yeah, we probably won't be able to sustain this in Singapore. We're too cheap, and it's hard to find someone who's willing to work for peanuts.) Anyway we looked at old buildings and heard interesting stories. Then dropped out to take the ferry to Manly, mainly to enjoy the view of the Opera House and Harbour Bridge, and get a tan at the same time. If I ever return to Sydney I'd really wanna visit Manly Beach. This time we only went to Bondi, initially with the intention to do the coastal walk to Coogee. But those plans went out the window the moment we saw the pristine beaches, blue blue surf, and the warm warm sun. And also peer pressure, from those hundreds of other pple just laying there. I felt overdressed in my tshirt so we went and bought bikinis and just splayed out on the beach until it got too cold haha. Best change of plans, ever. Though I didn't get the tan I wanted (my right side is darker from the time on the ferry) haha.

At night, we decided to act atas and dress up (sans makeup for me) to go up to this bar in Sydney Tower. Note to self: I really need to remember to bring a proper dress with makeup the next time I travel. I felt so inadequate in that classy place haha. But anyway, the drinks were expensiiiveee. And I didn't even finish it! Thanks to the 3 diff vodkas in it, I was already tipsy and super flushed a quarter into my drink. I'm such a lightweight haha. But oh well, it's nice to pretend to be rich and classy occasionally. You only live once right.

The last day, I wandered around Sydney alone (after Lauren left) and found myself at a flea market. It was awesome and I got to meet another Singaporean who was manning one of the stalls there. Speaking of striking conversations with strangers, I think I've never gotten the hang of that. I still don't really know what to say when pple ask me how I'm doing, and I'm always caught off-guard when strangers talk to me and end up coming off as socially retarded. It's a Singaporean thing; we just prefer not to acknowledge each other if we can help it :S But yeah I'm trying to work on that cuz it's always interesting to get to know others.

Oh also, can I just state that I never wanna stay in hostels again? They're cheap, yes, but I would very much prefer clean (and private) bathrooms, and some quiet at night. I think I'm getting too old for communal living and finding bras outside when I leave in the morn.

All in all, I'll really miss the charm and laidback-ness of Australia and its people (many many good-lookers over there, gosh those BLUE EYES haha). That said, I think this trip wasn't long enough and I'd definitely go back soon for more! For now, I'm thoroughly exhausted and totally NOT ready for work :( Though I can say that I do feel more refreshed emotionally and spiritually. And well, I still have a few more days of leave to clear so that's something to look forward to haha.

Emmy The Great - Paper Forest (In the Afterglow of Rapture)


You're not unlucky, you're just not very smart.
These things will never leave you - they're as close as you can get
To a blueprint for the future - but you can call it fate.
It's like these days I have to write down almost every thought I've held,
So scared I am becoming of forgetting how it felt,
And these fears they will unravel me one day,
But still I am afraid.

But I'm blessed - 
Just to be, more or less - 
Standing in the afterglow of rapture with the words the rapture left.
Oh blessed - 
Just to be, more or less - 
Standing in the afterglow of rapture with the words the rapture left.

Now you're blessed amongst all women,
Now a man who's very good,
He tells you how you feel until your life is understood,
And he leads you through it arm in arm as though
There was a map to guide the way.
Now you write because you love him, now you write because he's kind,
You write so much, you look up and you wrote yourself behind,
And you're standing in a labyrinth of paper and the map has been erased.

But you're blessed - 
Just to be, more or less - 
Standing in the afterglow of rapture with the words the rapture left.
Are you blessed?
Just to be, more or less?
Now you're standing in the afterglow of rapture, but there is no rapture left.

Oh come, and we will celebrate the things that make us real, 
The things that break us open, and the things that make us feel
Like these accidental meetings up and partings of the way
Are not so much our choice but in the blood of how we're made,
It's like the way I have to write down almost everything I see,
So that the record does obscure the thing the record used to be,
And I know I'm not unlucky,
I was just born this way.

But I'm blessed.

Now a paper forest grows up in the supermarket aisles,
The baby born with teeth looks at its mother and it smiles,
And we all fall down
Like wind blows through the paper forest.
And a paper forest grows up in the supermarket aisles,
The baby born with teeth looks at its mother and smiles,
And we all fall down
As wind blows through the paper forests
And a paper forest grows up in the supermarket aisle
Alarm clock fingers turn they're counting seconds like they're miles
And you say, "wake up now, 'cause I can see no paper forest."

(This new blogger interface is making me a little confused.)


Yesterday at cell group we were asked what was a motto/saying/verse that drives us, or determines how we live each day? For example, for someone it was "to be Number 1" (she's in sales). But for someone else, it was Psalm 143:8 - 


"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life."


I thought that verse was pretty good. 


Honestly, this question really caught me off-guard and I had a difficult time thinking of something. What I came up with was, "to try my best in everything I do" which is half-true. Anyway it was a lame response (I really need to sit down to find a Biblical verse that will probably work better), but it got me thinking about my attitude towards work and life.


There were a few in the group who talked about finding it hard to let go and not control every little detail in their plans. So their motto was basically to give it up to God. For me it's the exact opposite.


I love having little/NO control. I'm basically content to just bask in the background and let others settle the problems. I don't like responsibility, and having others look to me for answers and solutions. I'm the kinda person who prefers to go with the flow, and react to the situation rather than act and initiate something. I mean, I like some responsibility so I don't feel like I'm completely useless. And I like to manage projects to keep myself occupied (and again, to make myself look useful). But I don't like having to helicopter-manage, ie. to oversee everything and make important decisions for everyone. 


I think it's partly cuz I'm afraid of the consequences if I screw up, but it's probably cuz I'm such a lazy bum. I run in the face of difficulty and would rather distract myself with something unimportant instead of focusing on the problem at hand. I only get my act together when there's a fire literally burning under my backside. My academic life was mostly made up of last-minute papers and reports cobbled together through sleepless nights and lotsa coffee. But God really blessed me, in the sense that my last minute shit always turns out well. Maybe that's why I'm like this.


I'm so used to things eventually sorting themselves out, and maybe I totally misconstrued the idea of letting God take over control. I get so complacent that sometimes I literally just think to myself, "Oh, God will take care of this. I'll just sit back and let Him do His work." Only right now am I realizing how I've completely twisted this away from its rightful meaning.


For example, I'm not gonna lie but I'm facing some tough crap at work right now. Basically I'm managing failing products. Granted, they've been failing even before I joined. But now everyone's looking to me to resuscitate them. I mean, I really want to love my products but it's so hard when even I, myself sometimes don't see the point of having them. They're like the fake cardboard cut-out shrubbery/trees in a school production - you kinda need them but you won't notice them if they're gone. Or, to put it more bluntly, like trying to love the ugly and bratty kids in a kindergarten class. You know they deserve love too, but urgh it's so hard.


This can go both ways - either I work some magic and turn them into stars, or I completely suck at it and get fired (this might not be true, but I'm not taking any chances). I guess my main difficulty now is to get my ass up and get this project running without having my boss breathe down my neck, or worse, looking at me with disappointment. I think I'm more afraid of the latter. So the past week, I've been doing what I usually do - distract myself and dabble in other things instead of tackling this straight-on. It sucks. It's like inertia, I know I have to do it but I don't know how and I don't want to cuz I don't know how. Despite saying that I want to do my best in everything, it's getting to the doing part that's the hardest for me (which is why it's half-true). So I continued to drag until I can't anymore. What I should've been doing was to really go to God first, instead of letting myself get caught up in this vicious and unproductive cycle.


I think sometimes God just lets the situation get so bad that we have no choice but to go to Him on our knees. Cuz otherwise we'd just be wholly content to rely on our own wits, or even worse, take Him for granted and think that He will sort it out without our asking. Then we'd never realize that He is what we really need. Instead of choosing to wallow in a mix of panic/despair/blame (eg. why do I have to be saddled with the runts in the company??), then going about my own human (and really dumb) way of dealing with it ie. getting distracted with other things or complaining, I should've immediately turned to God for help.   


"I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:13  


How true. Only God can really give me the perseverance, discipline and wisdom to sort out all my crap. All I need do is ask, and obey. It's a simple solution, if only I didn't take so long to figure it out. So it is with renewed strength and motivation that I hope I can go about this mission of reviving my dying babies. From another perspective, this might actually a good opportunity for God to reveal His glory and for Him to do work His blessings in my life. All I have to do is to take hold of it and trust that His plans for me are good.


And firstly of course, to get off of my lazy bum.


ps. I'm really tired so I don't know if I'm making any sense. It's just really cathartic to get all my thoughts and troubles out, and to use this as a reminder in case I ever falter.

this living

There’s little in taking or giving,
There’s little in water or wine;
This living, this living, this living
Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
And rest’s for a clam in a shell,
So I’m thinking of throwing the battle —-
Would you kindly direct me to hell?


- "Coda", Dorothy Parker